Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Melbourne, which really makes no sense to me. How did he get into Australia so easily? Johnny Depp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, are forcibly deported, but yet Justin Beiber is allowed in without being quarantined? Justin Bieber is more of a threat against the people of Australia than two foreign Yorkies are!
The ingrown hair on humanity’s left nipple was at a party at a recording studio on Sunday night and one of the guests had to go to the hospital after she claimed someone Bill Cosby’d her drink. She hasn’t filed a police report yet and the owner of the recording studio disputes her claim, but she wrote about it on Instagram and said that while she was dizzy and feeling sick, Justin Bieber tried to comfort her and actually said to her that she had a case of “Bieber Fever.” That is just too douchey to be true, which means he probably did say it. The Biebs committed another act of grade 10 doucheiness in Melbourne when he made a series of SnapChat videos about how he’s sick of his fans screaming at him for a selfie. He laid down a bunch of tips on how to deal with him when you see him out in the wild. He tried it, but his “monologue” has nothing on Ian Somerhalder’s ultra dramatic “Today Is MY Day” rant.
In case you didn’t watch that video, because the sound of his voice makes you want to fuck your ear holes with lit matches and you don’t feel like starting your week off in the ER, here’s his tips.
1. If you see Justin Bieber and he’s got his head down or doesn’t respond to your screaming, that means he does not want to take a selfie with you.
2. If you scream at him louder, he really won’t take a selfie with you.
3. Just let him live in the moment!
4. If you ask nicely, he will most likely gift you with a selfie.
5. The Biebs would rather talk to you for 5 minutes than take a selfie with you.
6. And remember, he is a human being like you.
Justin Bieber does have a point. I mean, if his crazed fans stopped screaming, took a deep breath, put down their phones and came back to reality, they may be hit with the realization that standing outside of a hotel for hours to get a picture with that royal douche is no way to spend the best days of their youth. If that happened, he’d probably record a follow-up SnapChat where he’d say, “Forget all that shit I said before! Just show up and scream for me again pleeease!”