The easy listening Boy George that is Sam Smith said he wrote Writing’s On The Wall, the theme song for the new James Bond movie Spectre, in about 20 minutes. It was released today and it sounds like he wrote it in about 5 after spending 15 minutes sipping wine and snorting crushed-up Ambien. It’s so damn slow. It makes a Lana Del Rey song sound like a sped-up version of “Get Happy” as sung by Shirley Temple on coke. It also sounds like he sang it in a half-sedated state while getting his b-hole waxed. It’s so whiny and sleepy. It’s the musical equivalent of your piece whining at you to cuddle with them after sex times and you just want to go to sleep.
A clip of it is below. If you have Spotify, you can listen to the whole thing here. I just kept waiting for it to swell and for Sam Smith to bring the DRAMA. It never happened. I waited and waited and waited. It felt like I was giving a handjob to a drunk dude who couldn’t get hard. You know, you keep jacking and waiting and jacking and waiting and eventually you pick up your phone with your other hand to play a game of Candy Crush.
If I can’t picture a drag queen in a sequined gown singing or lip-synching it in a gay club as dancers in tuxedos dance around her, it’s not a Bond song to me.