Dear Commenters, Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Think Most Of You Are Normal

September 25, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: I resemble that comment, you foot-faced asshole!

NME Magazine asked Robert Pattinson what he thinks about the racist comments that crazed trolls spewed out and continue to spew out about his girlfriend FKA Twigs. That question led to RPattz talking about the commenters of the Internet and how to him, most comment sections are dark, smelly dungeons where faceless blob demons mouth shit out hate. (Side note: I do write “mouth-shitting faceless dungeon demon” as my occupation on my tax returns.) According to RPattz, comment sections, like the one on YouTube, are cesspools of hate, because no normal person ever leaves a comment.

“I was talking to my dad about this and I bet him that if he looked up Nelson Mandela’s funeral on YouTube, the first comment would be a racist one. And it was, with like a million upvotes.

What I don’t get is why. I think it’s because most normal people are not commenters – I’ve never met anyone who’s left a comment on anything. It’s just demons who live in basements. You have this weird thing where you end up trying to fight against this faceless blob, where the more you hate it, the bigger it gets, because it’s all in your head.”

I don’t know if he realizes that he just insulted a huge chunk of his fanbase since they leave insane comments about him on blogs. But then again, they’re not normal, so carry on, RPattz.

RPattz went on to say that sometimes when he’s in a place where he hates himself, he decides to suffer even more by Googling his name. I guess it’s cheaper and less messy than paying a dominatrix to piss on his face and spit in his eyes.

“I go through periods where I don’t do it at all and feel glorious! Then I’ll fall back into this pit. It really does affect you, and it all comes from some moron sitting on a comment board. It’s always that person who’s needling away at you, who you either want to destroy, or convince them to love you.”

RPattz needs to get his facts straight. I don’t even live in a basement! I’m just a regular first floor demon. But really, I’m guessing that RPattz has never been to the Dlisted comment section where everyone loves each other, no one ever fights and we all say nice things like, “I just love that Robert Pattinson, he’s a wonderful actor and attractive human being,” while making each other friendship bracelets. #NOTALLCOMMENTERS!


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