When Donald Trump wins the presidential election next year, there’s a good chance hell will swallow the country whole, but if that doesn’t happen, Kanye West plans to run for president in 2020. Some of us took Kanye West’s presidential announcement at the VMAs as a joke from a professional troll. Others took it as a fact since being beyond delusional is a quality many presidential candidates possess. Besides, Donald Trump is still at the top of the polls, which has proven to us that nightmares can become real-life and anything is possible.
While talking to Vanity Fair about his collection of Dystopian homeless rags, Kanye queefed at the mouth about running for president and he talked about it like he was serious. Vanity Fair blew a thousand hot air kisses up his asshole when they said that they were surprised there wasn’t a huge “outcry” when he announced that he’s running. Kanye wasn’t surprised either because he knows that we, the public, see him as the most honest celebrity and we know that he’s not going to Hawaii to rent some jet skis (?????). CAUTION: As with every Kanye interview, your brain will melt a little more with each word.
Especially from the six years of this misconception or the six years I went through of “We don’t like Kanye.” And then as soon as I said that, it was like, “Wait a second, we would really be into that, because actually if you think about it, he’s extremely thoughtful. Every time he’s ever gotten in trouble, he was really jumping in front of a bullet for someone else. He’s probably the most honest celebrity that we have.” I didn’t approach that because I thought it would be fun. It wasn’t like, Oh, let’s go rent some jet skis in Hawaii. No, the exact opposite.
Kanye is also planning to skip the club one night so he can stay home and do a lot of research for his presidential campaign. I’m guessing that research will involve watching Idiocracy since that’s what a Kanye presidency would be like.
I sit in clubs and I’m like, Wow, I’ve got five years before I go and run for office and I’ve got a lot of research to do, I’ve got a lot of growing up to do. My dad has two masters degrees. My mom has a PhD, she used to work at Operation PUSH. Somehow the more and more creative I get, the closer and closer I get to who I was as a child. When I was a child, I was holding my mom’s hand at Operation PUSH. I think it’s time. Rap is great.
When Kanye runs for president, he’s not going to shit on his opponents (Taylor Swift, Pizza Rat and the first settler of Brooklyn, probably), he’s going to join hands with them. Kanye spent three weeks trying to join hands with the “brilliant” Ben Carson, but Ben Carson didn’t reach back.
When I run for president, I’d prefer not to run against someone. I would be like “I want to work with you.” As soon as I heard [Ben] Carson speak, I tried for three weeks to get on the phone with him. I was like this is the most brilliant guy. And I think all the people running right now have something that each of the others needs. But the idea of this separation and this gladiator battle takes away from the main focus that the world needs help and the world needs all the people in a position of power or influence to come together.
And Kanye already has his campaign slogan too:
Sweatshirts are fucking important. That might sound like the funniest quote ever. How can you say all this stuff about running for president in 2020 and then say sweatshirts are important? But they are. Just mark my words. Mark my words like Mark Twain.
“Sweatshirts are fucking important. West 2020.” I bet leather jogging pants are feeling so lonely and used right now.
Well, if Kanye does run for real, he’ll totally win, because 99.99999% of Americans will immediately move to the moon, so he’ll get the presidency by default. And at least Kanye knows you have to do a lot of important research stuff and read “How To Be President For Dummies” if you want to be the leader of the free world. A few of the current candidates don’t even know that.
Here’s future First Lady Kummy Kakes, her swollen hooves and Khlozilla in San Diego yesterday.