Emmys Open Post: Hosted By Heidi Klum Wearing A Whole Lot Of Yellow WTF

If you put a dead canary, a piss-stained ice skating costume, a Victorian lady’s housecoat, Liberace’s dining room curtains, a memaw’s teddy, thirty scoops of ugly and Big Bird’s jizz into a blender and pulsed for 10 seconds, you’d get the mess that Heidi Klum wore to the Emmys today. The left side is giving me old-timey ghost going to an Easter parade and the Right side is giving me low-level Reno lounge singer. I love it! But anyway….

It’s that time of year again when TV bitches put on the discarded dresses that all the fancy movie bitches turned down and spend 3 plus hours sucking each other’s assholes until they’re all raw. It’s Emmy time!

I’m watching tonight, and not only because I have to, but because Jon Hamm is most likely going to win since he’s the Susan Lucci of the Primetime Emmys and every Susan Lucci gets her one time under the winners spotlight. If Jon Hamm wins, I hope he takes off his pants and puts the mic under The Hammaconda. I hope The Hammaconda spits out the baby warthog it was chewing on to thank the Emmy voters and to also apologize to the families of all of the costume dressers it ate and swallowed during fittings.

But seriously, I really hope that the show is only 30 seconds long. I pray that the Emmy voters gained some fucking sense and decided together that the only winner this year is Lisa Kudrow for The Comeback and she should get everyone’s award. If they did that, they’d save millions of livers from getting messed up from all of the booze its owner will drink while trying to get through the Emmys.

If anything big happens, I’ll throw it up tonight. Allison is helping me cover all of the fuckery tomorrow. And now I leave you with more pictures of Heidi Klum looking like a rhinestone-encrusted yellow parakeet that was attacked by hyenas.

Pics: Getty