The Sheer Passion Of It All…

September 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp have pretty much moved onto the red carpet at the Toronto International Film Festival, because it feels like at every single event, she’s there oozing out John Roberts Powers-approved facial expressions while he stands next to her looking about as thrilled as Kim Davis at a gay wedding. And at last night’s premiere of Black Mass, they were at it again, but this time, they turned it up by touching mouths for the photographers.

It’s freeeeeezing in many parts of Southern California today (it’s low 70s and raining, please send a million good thoughts my way during this difficult time) and if you’re suffering with me, then I have some good news for the both of us. We don’t have to turn on our heaters, because we can warm our parts by putting them in front of that picture of Amber and Johnny giving off too much heat. The burning flames of passion are shooting off of them while she looks like she’s about as asleep as Spanky the Bulldog and he looks like he’s picturing her as a giant whiskey bottle. My Prince Hot Ginge cardboard cutout and I give off more heat when we kiss.

And I was going to hate on Johnny for that sloppy eyeliner, that pube-like struggle goatee and that hair that looks like it was dyed with shoe polish, but then I saw this picture:


Dude killed all of my hate with his accessory game. When all else fails, work some bejeweled safety pin earrings and janky silver teeth you ripped out of a dead pirate’s mouth.

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

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