A little over two months ago, this country changed forever when we learned that our supply of delicious donuts (aka this country’s official food) is being tainted by the toxic saliva of an evil demon trapped inside of a Baby Bratz doll. Thanks to Ariana Grande Latte, I cannot buy a donut unless it has been inspected thoroughly for Ariana saliva.
Ariana Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte has never come out and said the words, “I APOLOGIZE TO DONUTS,” but she has apologized for fat-shaming and for saying she hates America. I have not and will not forgive her until she apologizes to donuts and their admirers. Well, Ariana peddled her new bottle of stank (which probably smells like the blood of a bald eagle, fat people tears and donut mold) on Good Morning America today and she continued to backpedal on her pink Big Wheels by dribbling out yet another apology. And Ariana’s latest apology failed once again to mention the only thing that matters: DONUTS! Ariana burped this up this little fake apology:
“First of all, I mean, my behavior was very offensive and I apologize. There’s no excuse or there’s nothing to justify it. As human beings we all say and do things we don’t mean at all sometimes. And we have to learn from it. That’s part of our process. We have to learn from our mistakes and that’s how we grow.”
I wouldn’t call spit bombing a donut a “mistake.” I’d call it an act of war. And I bet that right after Ariana gave her latest publicist-written apology, she hocked several loogies on donuts in the green room and then head-butted a fat American’s knee cap for fun.
And here’s Thumbelina’s evil twin carrying a regular-sized bottle of her perfume outside of GMA today.