“You stupid motherfuckers should be licking my ass the way that chick did in the pictures that got my crown snatched” – Vanessa Williams in that picture, probably.
As expected, last night, Vanessa Williams made her triumphant return to the pageant where a bunch of 20-year-olds are done up like rich middle-aged three-time divorcees who do real estate on the side for fun. 32 years after she was forced to give up her crown because ESCANDALOSO pictures of her nipples and cooch area ended up in Penthouse, Vanessa Williams went back to the Miss America pageant where she held court as head judge. My recycling bin is filled with empty bottles and my liver is hiding somewhere in my bedroom after finally escaping out of my body, so that means that yes, I watched the entire pageant last night.
Vanessa came out at the beginning of the show and sang “Oh How The Years Go By” while pictures of her as Miss America in 1983 and magazine covers about the SCANDAL showed on screens behind her. It was a weird start to a night of pure fuckery. After Vanessa’s performance, Sam Haskell, the CEO of Miss America, came out and even though he and the current execs weren’t part of the company back then, he officially apologized to her and her mother “for anything that was said or done” that made her feel any less than the Miss America she is and will always be. Vanessa used her amazing acting skills to say how “unexpected” the apology was. That was a load of sequins-covered bullshit, because TMZ said last week that the moment was planned and both sides were fighting over who should do the apologizing. Vanessa won out and here’s the apology, which sadly didn’t end with her getting her crown reinstated as all the execs kissed her bare ass.
As for who won Miss America this year, Miss Georgia won the crown even though she gave a WTF-infused stupid answer to an even stupider question. I wanted Miss Good Shit (aka Miss Colorado) to win, because she won me over by sparing us with singing and giving us a “monologue” about being a nurse instead, and by saying that Ellen DeGeneres should be on the $10 bill (????). But Miss Georgia became my second favorite when she threw death glares over that stupid Tom Brady question:
And yet that answer was still more coherent than anything Tom Brady said during that press conference about deflating the balls.