That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.
Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.
This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.
Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.
But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)