At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!
The BBC says that on the day 89-year-old Queen Elizabeth II breaks the record by reigning for 63 years and 217 days, she and her pocketbook-in-waiting graced her loyal subjects with her presence at the Scottish Borders. THE QUEEN, who is beating the record set by her great-great-memaw Queen Victoria, spoke for a second:
Inevitably a long life can pass by many milestones – my own is no exception – but I thank you all and the many others at home and overseas for your touching messages of great kindness. Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted. This my shit, bow down, bitches.”
She didn’t say that last part, but I’m sure she was thinking it.
Meanwhile, as some celebrated THE QUEEN’s record-breaking reign, Prince Charles was probably in a corner somewhere doing this:
I’m sure he’s just thrilled. No, a source tells The Daily Mail that he used to be hard-up for the crown, which is awkward since the only ways he’ll get the crown is if his mother quits her job or goes on to the great big pocketbook in the sky. But the source says that 66-year-old Prince Charles isn’t as hard-up anymore. He knows that THE QUEEN will probably live forever and if he ever becomes king, he’ll be too old to give a shit. Duchess Camilla has also helped Prince Charles mellow out and he’s gone from being a thirsty tampon to a calm tampon who isn’t so hungry for the throne.
“Everyone expects the Queen to live to be 100 at least — just like her mother — and that includes the Prince of Wales,” says a senior courtier.
“The Prince has come to terms with this, though the phrase ‘the eternal wait’, which has long been used privately, is still never mentioned in his hearing.”
What Charles is said to have recognised is that by the time he eventually ascends the throne, he is likely to be, as one close figure puts it, ‘too old to make much of a difference anyway, if any difference at all’.
So, with a logic that would have pleased his old mentor, the philosopher and author Sir Laurens van der Post, he has rationalised that the only sensible course is to put all his energies into becoming the most significant Prince of Wales in history.
THE QUEEN living forever is also good news for the people of the UK, Australia, Canada, etc. Because if THE QUEEN lives forever, that means Prince Charles’ face will never be on their money.