We as a people disagree on pretty much everything, but I think we can all agree that abandoned dog shit is the worst. It drives people crazy and I’ve seen tricks nearly throw punches over it. I don’t like that mess either, because every time I walk my dog and he sees a pile of unclaimed doggy dumps on the sidewalk, he has to try to sniff it and I don’t want to see that nasty scat queen side of him. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. But as much as everyone hates un-picked up pooch caca, nobody hates it as much as Sandra Bullock’s new piece Bryan Randall. If he sees you not picking some up, he’ll pick it up for you and then smear it all over your door.
Radar says that back in 2012, Bryan Randall’s neighbor took a temporary restraining order out on him after he allegedly went crazy over dog crap left on the sidewalk in front of his apartment building. In the documents, the neighbor, John Stacer, states that one night, his dog took a dump in front of the building and when he didn’t pick it up, Bryan flipped out and laid the dog caca law on a bitch.
“On the evening of 7/26/12 I was walking by and Bryan Randall confronted me about my dog defecating in the front of the building. He was videotaping me and said, ‘pick up your dog’s shit, asshole.’ He is a big guy and I was scared to go any closer so I called my dog back toward me and took him upstairs.”
John claims that he was about to go outside to pick up his dog’s butt droppings (uh huh) when he heard some shit going down outside and his girlfriend let him know that someone smeared poop in their doorway. John’s girlfriend sent Bryan a little note telling him that he wasn’t right for what he did. Dog shit on the sidewalk must’ve pushed Bryan all the way to the edge, because dude allegedly let John’s girlfriend know that if he keeps it up, the only things he’ll be picking up off of the ground are his own guts.
Stacer claimed Randall responded by saying “10 days from now this will play out differently,” and “I’ll pray for him,” and “he will see another side as soon as my kid is out of state.”
John got a temporary restraining order, because he knew that Bryan owned a bunch of guns and he was scared for his life. The temporary restraining order was granted, but Bryan fought against it in a hearing and it was never made permanent.
You know you’ve completely lost it when you’re smearing nasty ass dog shit all over a door, but in Bryan’s defense, dealing with neighbors who never pick up their dog’s crap will break a bitch down. Dog caca can be like land mines and every time you step on one, your soul explodes into a dark cloud of rage. So I’m sure many feel Crazy Bryan’s pain.
And you know, Bryan has been described as “super hot” and “super normal,“ but I never saw what Sandra sees in him until I read this riveting tale of caca-hating bad boy-ness. We all know that Sandra loves them hardcore badasses, so she probably knew that Bryan was the one when he told her about how he once smeared pooch poop all over his neighbor’s door. When Sandra wants to get into the mood, she probably snuggles up to Bryan and says, “Tell me about the time you busted a walk-by doggy poo poo on your neighbor.”