While those of us who celebrate Labor Day spend our day getting drunk on vodka and Gatorade in the park, trillions of hard-working whores will be working without a damn joint break or a 3 martini lunch. I’m talking about ants. Along with bees, Bill Cosby’s latest lawyer, Charlie Sheen’s main dealer and Kardashian kooch, ants are the busiest tricks in the game and they’re laboring every single day.
While reading about Giuliana Rancic’s head and body twins last night, I learned a few facts about ants that I probably learned in the first grade but forgot about because my brain decided to hold on to much more important information (examples: the full names of every Beverly Hills Teens character, the track listing of Taylor Dayne’s first album, the supposed secret ingredient in an Orange Julius, etc…).
Ants still outnumber the Duggars for now. There’s at least 100 trillion ants in the world and I think half of those motherfuckers end up in my kitchen when I leave sugar out on the counter in the middle of August. Ants have also been around since the beginning of time’s beginning. They’ve been crawling this earth long before humans and Larry King were born and were around at the same time as dinosaurs. Also, the ants of America are probably not scared about Donald Trump becoming president, because if he does and the country combusts, they’ll survive. They already survived one mass extinction event so they can pretty much survive anything. If you care, there’s more “frighting facts about ants” at i09.
So on this Labor Day, I’m paying tribute to ants. When they’re not working your last nerve by crawling on your food, they’re working by carrying leaves and shit. They’re always working! If one crawls on your blanket while you’re drunk in the park today, give it a sip of your vodka and Gatorade. It earned it.
Happy Labor Day to ants and everyone else!