Behold, The Dude With The 19-Inch Dick: Would You Hit It?

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.

Big Dick Rob claims that his dick is about as big as an Olsen. It’s supposedly 19 inches long and nearly 10 inches wide. (“Wait, did you just call us fat?” – the Olsens) When Roberto came out as the owner of a “Sandworm from Dune” dick, many people threw a look of suspicion at his claim. So Roberto tried to shush the doubters by releasing a “medical image” of the dickzilla in his chonies:


According to the International Business Times, Robert’s dick is actually 6 inches long and the rest of it is excess skin. So they believe his dick looks a former obese person who hasn’t had skin removal surgery yet.

TMZ says that Roberto’s money problems could soon be a thing of the past. Vivid Entertainment wants to put his gargantuan salchicha in porn. They approached him, but talks are going slow, because of “basic anatomy challenges,“expectations of money” and “language barriers.” The last one makes sense since there’s nobody on this planet who can speak both Spanish and English.  If by “basic anatomy challenges,” Vivid means that they can’t find someone who can take that dick without dying, I can think of a few who can handle it. Namely, those crazy dudes in that horrifying horse sex documentary and Backdoor Farrah who’d probably ask, “Is it in yet?” after Roberto went balls deep.

TMZ also posted a video of Roberto playing with his supposed 19-inch dick. He waves it around, hits himself in the face with it and weighs it. It weights 2 pounds. If this video is supposed to be the receipts, then I’m going to need to see the receipts for the receipts.

Why is it wearing L’eggs pantyhose and a choker that looks like it’s made out of tape or something? Maybe Roberto doesn’t want to show it in all its Subway sandwich glory, but it looks like a natural dick as much as Lil’ Kim’s face looks like a natural face. It looks like a Muppet dick. Roberto should do a titty fucking porn with that three-tittied Florida flower.

And it’s against my beliefs to say this, but no, I would not hit it, because if it’s real, it’d definitely hit me back.

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