Right this minute, Gisele Bundchen is getting into her burqa of disguise and is going to head down to the bar for some celebratory day drinking, because Tom Brady’s four-game suspension has been thrown out and now he won’t be home bothering her by whining and crying about how that big ole’ fat meanie Roger Goodell put him in the time out corner and took away his (deflated) toys. (UPDATE: Roger Goodell says the NFL will appeal the judge’s decision.)
After what feels like centuries of Tom’s lawyers and the NFL’s lawyers spitting out boring legal and sports shit in a courtroom in NYC, Judge Richard Berman threw out the decision to suspend Gisele’s husband for allegedly deflating balls. The NFL suspended Tom after an investigation turned up evidence that he and 2 locker room attendants worked together to take the air out of a few balls before some big game. Tom Brady has always quoted Shaggy by saying, “It wasn’t me!” via NBC News
Judge Richard Berman of Manhattan federal court announced the decision after the league and the players union, representing the star quarterback, failed to reach a settlement of their bitter dispute.
The league suspended Brady after concluding that he and two New England Patriots equipment managers conspired to let air out of footballs before the AFC championship game in January, presumably to make them easier to grip.
Brady has said that nobody employed by the Patriots did anything wrong.
The judge came out strongly in Brady’s favor, slamming the NFL for the way it handled the scandal.The ruling means Brady would be eligible to play in seven days, when the Patriots open their defense of their Super Bowl title against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Some people are happy about this (see: Gisele) and others are not, because they feel like Tom Brady cheated and now that he REALLY knows he can get away with cheating, he’s totally going to run for public office. West/Brady 2020!
No matter how you feel about the judge’s decision, I know we can all agree that the true winner in this is the world of art. Because if that mess never happened, we would’ve never been gifted with this gorgeous masterpiece:
Jane Rosenberg, the court room artiste who created that brilliant piece, got shit for her work from uneducated peons who don’t understand greatness, so she has sketched Tom Brady a couple more times. I don’t know why. I mean, why mess with perfection? This is her latest sketch:
As I said above, Jane should’ve quit while she was WAAAAAAAY ahead. Because now she made Tom Brady look like he falls somewhere between “a constipated third-rate Matt Damon impersonator who is on the verge of busting out into tears because he’s been sitting on the toilet for an hour and only pushed out one tiny dingle” and “a newly convicted child molester whose neighbors are shocked because he seemed like such a good man.”