Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.
A source tells Radar that Taylor and her Easy Bake Oven Brigade held court at an MTV VMAs after-party at Ysabel in West Hollywood. Tay Tay sat on her queen bee throne and when she wasn’t rolling her eyes at the behavior of her ladies-in-waiting, she was cackling on the inside as lessers were told by security that they weren’t allowed near her royal cuntiness. The source said that one of Taylor’s girl squad members, Serayah McNeil of Empire, kept taking selfies and it annoyed Tay Tay to the point where she told Serayah to stop. And when Ariana and Frankie Grande Latte tried to enter Taylor’s royal sanctum of insufferableness, they were waved away.
“[Taylor] made it clear to security not to let them near. At first, I thought it was just Frankie, but it was crystal clear [Taylor] wanted nothing to do with either of them. [Ariana] gave up after a few minutes.”
After the party, Taylor and her squad went back to her house where she FaceTimed with her boyfriend Calvin Harris, got drunk on vodka and talked shit about Miley Cyrus. The source (who is obviously a double agent working for Radar. I’m guessing it’s Mariska Hargitay) says that Selena told everyone that she can’t believe she used to be friends with Miley. Taylor and Selena then put on a song from Miley’s new album, Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz, and laughed at it.
Since Radar’s story reads like a re-telling of Mean Girls written by a 12-year-old girl, let’s go all the way. Taylor also told her squad a really embarrassing secret. She too was best friends with Miley once:
She’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Miley Cyrus. We were best friends once. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then, I started going out with my first famous boyfriend Joe Jonas who was totally gorgeous but then our contract expired, and Miley was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Joe, she’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, “Miley, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re a lesbian.” I mean I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN.
Then they toilet papered Miley’s house, sent two dozen donuts to Ariana’s house and played “light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
And Taylor has a lot of nerve dissing Ariana like that. They should be best friends, because they’re practically the same. They’re both diabolical demons who were made by Mattel and live to terrorize others. Ariana is tainting this country’s donut supply and Taylor squats out fart bombs on her so-called friends: