Tom Brady did not wear his wedding ring last night. I guess this means that Wedding Ring Watch has officially begun and I should care, but my brain is too busy having its way with the sight of The Gronk holding that mic like it’s his dick – Lainey Gossip
Hmmm… I would think that whoopin’ a fellow Real Housewife ‘s ass in front of the cameras would get you a bonus from Bravo – Reality Tea
Cindy Crawford looks hot in Elle Canada – Drunken Stepfather
It’s funny that Andrew Garfield felt like making Spider-Man was like being imprisoned, because watching him play Spider-Man was a form of torture – Celebitchy
At first I thought that Kermit the Frog’s piece Denise had gone blond and was hawking waist trainers on Instagram – The Superficial
If you want to be a morning show host, you should be a morning show host in Australia, because they obviously let them smoke the good shit on the job over there – Towleroad
Here’s Jennifer Aniston is leggings – Popoholic
I just watched a video of two red beetles doing it and yes, it had more passion than Kim Kartrashian’s sex tape – Hollywood Tuna
Bette Midler wants to play Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence’s mom – Pajiba
Kylie Jenner’s transformation into Wite Chyna is pretty much complete – IDLYITW
Some people thought Taylor Swift’s video for “Wildest Dreams” was racist and the director’s response was made of dumb. But what offended me most about that video is that she didn’t dedicate it to Cecil the Lion! – HuffPo
It looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar’s wedding dress was made of ruffled bedskirts – The Berry
President Obama and Bear Grylls took a selfie and thank god neither of them are drinking piss in it – Popsugar
It looks like DC Comics is getting into gay comic porn and I can’t complain – OMG Blog
Dean Jones from The Love Bug and Company on Broadway has died – Just Jared
And let’s end with this headline:
Believe it or not, Taylor Swift didn’t write that headline.
I was hoping that the next Lucille Ball movie would be a horror movie about the terrifying Lucille Ball statue in New York coming to life and opening up a Vitameatavegamin shop where she sells a magic elixir made from the blood of the bitches who tried to get rid of her. That’s not happening. Instead, Hollywood is giving us a big Oscar-baity (probably) authorized Lucille Ball biopic. Cate Blanchett probably woke up this morning to find the words “FUCK YOU CATE BLANDSHIT” graffitied on her garage door and that could mean only two things: Cate Blanchett got the role of Lucille Ball and Debra Messing bought a can of spray paint last night.
The Wrap says that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz’s children, Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr., will produce and because they just had to inject some “the fuck?” into this, Aaron Sorkin is writing the script. The Wrap says the film will only cover Lucy and Desi’s mess of a marriage:
The film will chronicle Ball’s 20-year marriage to Desi Arnaz, with whom she starred on the classic TV sitcom “I Love Lucy.” Ball had two children with Arnaz before they divorced in 1960. She married Gary Morton the following year.
As for who’s going to play Desi, I’m going to guess they’re going to with Oscar Isaac. Or Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan. Definitely Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan.
At least they didn’t cast Jennifer Lawrence (who is snatching roles from 30 and 40-somethings left and right), but Cate Blanchett?! She’s not even a natural ginger! Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying that Lucille Ball wasn’t a natural ginger either, but that’s not the point! Hollywood, as usual, doesn’t know shit. They should’ve cast a natural ginger who can do comedy, drama and can bring the sexiness. We all know who that is:
Okay, technically the tabloid cover of my dreams is: “Prince Harry Can’t Get Enough Of Sticking His Dick In Various Glory Holes All Over Southern California!” But this a close second.
Closer is like the InTouch Weekly for the Estroven and “sip rosé while watching Mike & Molly” set, and they never get the attention they really deserve, but now they’ve come out hard and let the other tabloids know not to get too comfortable. Star Magazine’s cover story this week is about how Duchess Kate has got a third baby royale growing in her womb. When isn’t she knocked up? Who cares! NEXT! InTouch Weekly’s cover story is about how Kim Kartrashian dumped Kanye West after catching him with his ex. Is it a surprise that Kim kaught Kanye with a mouthful of Tisci? NO! TRASH IT! None of those covers have anything on Closer who have set fire to the competition with their cover story about the forever relevant Golden Girls!
The Golden Girls ended over 20 years ago but there’s still tea to be spilled and Closer spilled it all. Here’s just two few riveting tidbits from their expose.
Bea Arthur liked to read the paper:
But early on, fault lines began to appear. “Bea was not that fond of me,” Betty has said. Bea probably got even angrier when after the first season, Betty became the first cast member to win an Emmy. “There was joking when Betty came in after that: ‘Oh, boy, it¹s going to be rough around here,’” says Jim Colucci, author of the upcoming book Golden Girls Forever.
Bea’s son Matthew Saks tells Closer it wasn’t personal: “My mom wasn’t really close to anybody. I’m not saying she was a loner, but she just liked to go home and read the paper.”
Estelle Getty wrote her lines on props sometimes:
“People wonder if her dementia was beginning, even back then,” says Colucci of the actress, who died of Lewy Body dementia in 2008. “Estelle really had a panic about knowing her lines. She’d write them on props, and ask to read from cue cards in the later years.” Saks adds, “It was frustrating. It was hard on everybody.”
Bea Arthur liked to go home and read the paper?! She was the Charlie Sheen of her time. I’ve always wondered why Lifetime hasn’t done an unauthorized Golden Girls movie and now I know why. Shit is too risqué for them. We’ll have to wait until Showtime starts making unauthorized biopics.
Jessa Duggar publicly said she was supporting her brother Josh Duggar and had forgiven him for molesting her when she was a little girl. But it looks like she has drawn the line at him cheating on his wife. As People points out, Jessa told all her Twitter followers to read a piece written by her father-in-law Michael Seewald about Josh Duggar coming out as a down low peen passer.
If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.
Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.
It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.
All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.
Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.
It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)
On the list of Worst Places To Die, I’m sure “in the Celebrity Big Brother House while surrounded by Backdoor Farrah and the Hitler-loving spirit of Tila Tequila“ is somewhere at the top. That night terror almost became a reality when Janice Dickinson had a medical emergency and nearly had the Grim Reaper knocking on the front door.
Even though Janice’s lips look like they’ve been stung by all the bees, she’s deathly allergic to them. Yesterday, Janice was stung by a bee in the Celebrity Big Brother house and she ran to the Diary Room where she begged producers to get her some medical attention or an EpiPen or some Benadryl or Dr. House or something! Someone! Janice said that her hands were turning black and was afraid it would go to her heart. After a guy, from security I think, went into the Diary Room to check on Janice, she had a seizure, fell onto the floor and continued to have a seizure. Celebrity Big Brother is extremely smooth, because they cut from Janice on the floor to the audience clapping. Janice’s bumblebee medical emergency starts at around the 8:37 mark in the clip below:
Janice was taken to the hospital where she treated and released after a few hours. Sources tell TMZ Janice didn’t bring an EpiPen with her into the house and the situation became really serious and she could’ve died. Metro UK says that Janice has fully recovered and is back in the house. Before Janice almost died, she got in trouble with CBB after she pretended to spit on Austin Armacost. She apparently apologized to him.
Some viewers were pissed at Channel 5 for showing Janice freaking out. It must be refreshing to live in a bubble where you actually think that a network won’t use someone having a seizure for ratings.
When Janice was on Finland’s Next Top Model, she fell down the stairs. When Janice was on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, she was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. And now this! If Janice does another reality show, she better bring the entire cast of Trauma: Life In The ER (never forget) with her.
The Summer of Splits almost ate one last marriage before it retreated back to its cave to make way for the Fall of Sex Tapes (Fingers and other parts crossed that this will happen and we’ll get a sex tape from Alexander Skarsgard, Joe ManJello, Idris Elba and Prince Hot Ginge. All together, of course.) UsWeekly says that thoughts of throwing her marriage in the dumpster have crossed Gisele Bundchen’s mind and she even paid a visit to a divorce lawyer. No word yet if she wore a burqa of disguise while doing so.
The source says that ever since Tom Brady got suspended for that DeflateGate shit, he’s been a real gaping b-hole and the two have been fighting a lot. Things have gotten so bad that Gisele met with a divorce lawyer and probably because she wanted to know how much her checking account will deflate if she legally quits her husband of 6 years. (The 100% accurate CelebrityNetWorth.com claims she’s worth $340 million and he’s worth $120 million.) I always thought that if their marriage can survive this tragedy….
…it can survive anything, but I guess that’s not totally true. The source says that this may be the end of GisBra:
“Tom’s become very nasty and irritable and started acting out on her.”
Their spats have become so heated that Bundchen recently consulted with a divorce lawyer, says a Brady insider. “Tom thinks it’s only a threat,” says the insider. “But this is definitely a rough patch.”
Still, says the first source, “Things are very tense right now. This could be the end of them.”
You’d think that Little Tommy would know that now is not the time to act up since I’m sure he’s still grounded from letting Ben Affleck’s nanny ho wear his Super Bowl rings. Gisele needs to up the punishment, that’s all. The next time Tom throws another hissy fit tantrum, she needs to pick up the phone and tell her minions to take a sledgehammer to his slide of eternal joy. That’ll teach the brat.
And here’s Tom struttin’ out of court in NYC on Monday.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.
The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!
Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties) is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani
I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:
And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
“This is your captain LiLo speaking…Activities will begin on the poop deck at 4:20″ – The Beav
I bet that boat holds a lot of seamen. – muddy hands