Archives: September 2015

The Ferrari Tyga Gave Kylie Jenner For Her Birthday Was Leased In Her Name

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Tyga should probably change the lyrics in his pedo anthem “Stimulated from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she lease her own gift.

Radar is reporting some truly shocking news that will turn your Labor Day Weekend upside down and leave you feeling numb, confused and wondering what in the hell is true in this world. They say that the car Tyga presented to Kylie Jenner in front of all the paps on her 18th birthday wasn’t paid for in full. Hold on to your chair like it’s made of dicks, because the next revelation will blow you away. They say that the car was leased and Tyga took out the lease in Kylie’s name.

A source says that Tyga’s face and moral compass aren’t the only things that are broke about him. The source says that Tyga is worth $4 million, which is fuck-it money rich to you and me, but is apparently considered broke in the rapper world. Tyga doesn’t have enough money to spend on the car that costs about as much as many single-family homes and he didn’t lease it in his name, because he doesn’t want to be left with the payments once they break up.

“He leased it. He couldn’t afford to actually buy one for her. He put the lease in her name, so if anything goes wrong financially she’s on the hook paying for it.”

The source also says that the Kartrashians are concerned that Tyga is just using Kylie. Overdosing on Botox and silicone must give the Kartrashians extreme powers of perception, because I always thought that Tyga was with Kylie for her intellect and knowledge of classic literature.  But seriously…

This is just sloppy, sloppy work from Pimp Mama Kris. She should’ve given the money to Tyga and hired a paparazzo to take pictures of him handing over said money (in the form of cash in a Birkin bag) to the Ferrari dealer. Then PMK should’ve leaked a story about how Tyga bought the car in full with his own money, but put it in Kylie’s name, because if for some weird reason their true love breaks, he can’t claim it. I really thought that PMK was an impeccable puppet master pimp who perfectly executed all of her stunts. I thought wrong. You really think you know a demon…

And here’s Wite Chyna going somewhere.

Pics: Splash

Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Were Papped Outside Their Marriage Counselor’s Office

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Christine the Nanny has been missing from the ho stroll for a little while, but I fully expect her to put on a “Mrs. Affleck” t-shirt and take a drive in her Lexus convertible down Robertson Blvd. to show off her new vanity plate that reads “BENSGRL.” Because yesterday, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were papped together and his usual glum cunt frown was replaced with a bright, shiny happy face, and she also threw a smile that said, “Seethe, nanny, seethe.”

People says that yesterday, Ben and Jennifer paid a visit to a counseling center in L.A. and they drove there together in his mid-life crisis mobile. People “somehow knows” (that may or may not be code for “Ben and Jen’s publicists told them“) that this is the first time they’ve been to that center since announcing they’re burying their marriage in a shallow grave. They used to go to weekly sessions there a lot, but stopped going months before they broke up.

I thought one of the perks of being separated (besides getting to fuck whoever you want without too much judgement, of course) is that you don’t have to spill your feewings in marriage counseling sessions anymore. Sure, they could be seeing a counselor to figure out how to raise their kids while not being married to each other, but still. That seems really exhausting. If for some weird, bizarre, fucked-up reason I have kids and I break up with the dude I’m with, we’re going to communicate the traditional way. We’re never going to speak to each other and when I send the kids over to his house, I’m going to make them give him a note from me that reads: “I HATE YOUR FACE! DIE, BITCH, DIE! xoMichael” Call me old-fashioned.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, FameFlynet

Giada De Laurentiis Has To Pay Her Ex-Husband $9K A Month In Child Support

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The Blind Item Queen, Giada De Laurentiis, is officially divorced (or as she probably says it, “deeeee-vor-chaid”) from her husband of 12 years Todd Thompson and even though their love is dead, they’ll be bonded for a long time thanks to their child and the $9,000 she has to send his ass every single month.

TMZ says that Giada and Todd didn’t have a prenup, so they split everything up 50/50. This is the prize package Todd got for signing those divorce papers:

– Their $3.2 million house in Pacific Palisades, CA.

– $300,000 in art and furniture.

– A membership to some fancy country club in Bel-Air.

– A piece of their joint bank accounts, which have around $2 million in them.

– 50% of the unpaid advances (totaling around $5.5 million) she’s getting for several cookbooks that are currently in the works.

– $9,000 a month in child support.

– A Porsche.

Giada gets to keep her own Porsche and all the rights to her brand. Todd isn’t getting spousal support, because apparently, he’s almost as rich as her. TMZ says his net worth is $15 million and hers is $20 million. They have agreed to share joint custody of their 7-year-old daughter Jade Marie.

$9,000 a month in child support when they share custody? Either that’s a little extra STFU money or their daughter eats a bowl of solid gold flakes every morning.

If the Italian-American Tweedy Bird of the Food Network is looking to rebound by marrying a skinny fat gay blogger who won’t roll his eyes like other HATERS when she says, “parm-ih-john-o reg-ee-ah-no,” and won’t judge her if she wants to jump on John Mayer’s David Duke dick (again, allegedly), she knows where to find me. It’d be the perfect marriage, but only if we marry without a prenup, because I believe in complete trust (and getting to keep our Pacific Palisades mansion in the divorce).

Pic: Splash

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Behold, The Dude With The 19-Inch Dick: Would You Hit It?

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Denis, the drag queen superstar from Israel who is so famous that she can do a cereal ad without even mentioning the cereal’s name.

Branflakes is a cereal marketed toward women in Israel and it’s for women, because, just like Special K (the cereal, not the bad shit you did in the early aughts at the club), it’s supposed to help you lose some fat. Also, the flakes are lighter, because women aren’t strong enough to lift regular flakes. Instead of getting a skinny model to brag about how she got skinny from eating fucking cereal, Branflakes hired Denis (who sometimes goes by Denize), an A-list queen who was famous long before Kermit the Frog’s home wrecking hussy harlot hog whore hit the stroll.

In the video for the ear worm of a song titled “Denis Denis,” the hybrid of Mario Cantone and Lady Gaga (although, you know Lady Gaga stole her visuals and the hair bow idea from Denis) sings about the struggles of being a big, beautiful perfect 10 queen.

There must be some Illuminati-like subliminal messages in that ad, because I don’t even know what Branflakes taste like and I want some. I’d much rather be eating a bowl of weight-loss cereal than the Toaster Strudel frosting I’m squirting directly into my mouth. No, I wouldn’t, but “Denis Denis” is still the real song of the summer.

(For Caitlin)

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Birthday Sluts

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Mark Ronson (40)
Carter Jenkins (24)
Hank Baskett (33)
Whitney Cummings (33)
Beyonce (34)
Max Greenfield (35)
Wes Bentley (37)
Lucie Silvas (38)
Dave Salmoni (40)
Carmit Bachar (41)
Jason David Frank (42)
Carlos Ponce (43)
Ione Skye (45)
John DiMaggio (47)
Phill Lewis (47)
Mike Piazza (47)
Damon Wayans (55)
Dr. Drew Pinsky (57)
Khandi Alexander (58)
Judith Ivey (64)
Mitzi Gaynor (84)

Pic: The Talks

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Night Crumbs

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The tabloids are finding stuff about Sandra Bullock’s current piece Bryan Randall. Apparently he dumped his 23-year-old girlfriend of 3 years Paris St. John right before getting with Sandy. Two things boggle my mind about that: 1) Yes, Sandra is a famous millionaire, but a dude in L.A. dumping a younger piece for an older piece is still some bizarre shit. 2) Who in the HELL dumps a chick whose name sounds like the name of a Bond Girl or a porn star from the 70s?! – Lainey Gossip 

And here’s a video of Paris St. John singing next to Sandra Bullock’s new piece in the car – Lainey Gossip 

So I guess one of the writers at InTouch Weekly is a hardcore DirectionerCelebitchy

Peter Lindbergh photographed a bunch of 90s models, but this shoot is nothing without Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, etc.. etc.. – Drunken Stepfather

Brandi Glanville turned down Celebrity Big Brother Reality Tea 

Kate Gosselin has happily signed over the rights to her possum haircut to Justin BieberThe Superficial 

Dried piece of cauliflower Armie Hammer is going to be in Tom Ford’s next movie – Towleroad

Everyone wants Tom Hardy to be the next James Bond, because you know, he’s so far from street that he’s sidewalk – IDLYITW

Lindsay Lohan, take note – Hollywood Tuna 

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is AnnaLynne McCord wearing? – Popoholic

If there was a Super Bowl for fetching, this dog would win it – The Berry 

Keep sending Jimmy Kimmel death threats on YouTube, because he loves them – Pajiba

Panty Creamer of the Day: A topless Ryan Phillippe at the beach – Popsugar

I don’t know who Loretta Jenkins is, but I rose my hands during her sermon – Boy Culture

Insert kitten jokes here: Cat Deeley is knocked up – Just Jared

Christopher Meloni is giving me Mr. Clean hotness – SOW

And just like yesterday, let’s end with a headline:

nightcrumbsheadline

That is such a Joan Crawford thing to do.

Pic: Facebook

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QOTD: CoCo Is Afraid Of What’s Going To Happen To Her Petite Vagina During Labor

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:


CoCo’s camel toe is such an enormous natural wonder that the last time I flew over NYC, the pilot told the people on my side of the plane to look out their window and gaze at her glorious toe. We didn’t need binoculars or anything! Even though CoCo’s camel toe is a massive historical monument that can be seen from space, she says she’s actually very small down there. CoCo, who is currently knocked up, tells InTouch Weekly that she’s always been afraid of pushing out a baby, because she doesn’t want her teeny tiny pristine vagine to go from petite filet to hanger steak. Maybe this is her way of telling us that Ice-T’s about as hung as a Jon Gosselin.

“If I could avoid actually giving birth, I’d probably have like five children. This makes people laugh, but I’m very petite down there. I’m prepared for pain, I just don’t want to go through all the dramatics of ripping.”

CoCo really has nothing to worry about. I did the research. Since CoCo is our modern day Virgin Mary and her child, Chanel Nicole, is our new messiah, I looked up what the birth of Jesus was like. The version I read said that Mary had a “miraculous birth” and that Jesus passed through her the way “light passes through a window.” Mary didn’t go through all the dramatics of ripping! So yeah, it’s totally going to be like that and CoCo’s precious camel toe is going to remain beautifully intact. Praise the lord!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Sienna Miller Was Completely Cut Out Of Johnny Depp’s “Black Mass”

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

If you dropped acid before reading Dlisted today (which I always recommend doing), you probably read that headline and then got the image of a doctor cutting Sienna Miller out of a giant black mass on Johnny Depp’s body.

Thanks to Sienna Miller (and the fake baby), American Sniper and Foxcatcher got a lot of Oscar nominations, and well, Black Mass was getting award season buzz (Side note: A huge chunk of me dies every time I type “award season buzz”) until now. The director of Black Mass dun goofed, because he cut Oscar lucky charm Sienna Miller from the movie.

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