Archives: September 2015

QOTD: CoCo Is Afraid Of What’s Going To Happen To Her Petite Vagina During Labor

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:


CoCo’s camel toe is such an enormous natural wonder that the last time I flew over NYC, the pilot told the people on my side of the plane to look out their window and gaze at her glorious toe. We didn’t need binoculars or anything! Even though CoCo’s camel toe is a massive historical monument that can be seen from space, she says she’s actually very small down there. CoCo, who is currently knocked up, tells InTouch Weekly that she’s always been afraid of pushing out a baby, because she doesn’t want her teeny tiny pristine vagine to go from petite filet to hanger steak. Maybe this is her way of telling us that Ice-T’s about as hung as a Jon Gosselin.

“If I could avoid actually giving birth, I’d probably have like five children. This makes people laugh, but I’m very petite down there. I’m prepared for pain, I just don’t want to go through all the dramatics of ripping.”

CoCo really has nothing to worry about. I did the research. Since CoCo is our modern day Virgin Mary and her child, Chanel Nicole, is our new messiah, I looked up what the birth of Jesus was like. The version I read said that Mary had a “miraculous birth” and that Jesus passed through her the way “light passes through a window.” Mary didn’t go through all the dramatics of ripping! So yeah, it’s totally going to be like that and CoCo’s precious camel toe is going to remain beautifully intact. Praise the lord!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Sienna Miller Was Completely Cut Out Of Johnny Depp’s “Black Mass”

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

If you dropped acid before reading Dlisted today (which I always recommend doing), you probably read that headline and then got the image of a doctor cutting Sienna Miller out of a giant black mass on Johnny Depp’s body.

Thanks to Sienna Miller (and the fake baby), American Sniper and Foxcatcher got a lot of Oscar nominations, and well, Black Mass was getting award season buzz (Side note: A huge chunk of me dies every time I type “award season buzz”) until now. The director of Black Mass dun goofed, because he cut Oscar lucky charm Sienna Miller from the movie.

Rosie O’Donnell And Tatum O’Neal Might Be Doing It

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Recently, the universe decided that we needed a new couple that redefines “random” and so it pulled out Rosie O’Donnell’s name from a hat and pulled out Tatum O’Neal’s name from another hat and BOOM. A new random couple was born.

Rosie O’Donnell’s rep denies that she’s humping on Tatum O’Neal and says that the two have been strictly friends for years. But People says that they’re more than just friends and Tatum has given Rosie a coochie to cry on as she heals from the sad shit that went down with her daughter.

Tatum said a few months ago that she’s been doing the backstroke in the lady pond recently. Rosie O and Tatum O went to the opening of the Hamilton on Broadway last month and they supposedly had an “intimate” dinner afterward. The source says that their love is bi-coastal and when they’re not doing it in Nyack, they’re doing it in Los Angeles. The source said this about The Double O:

“They are romantically involved. It’s a bicoastal relationship. They are confidantes. They are hanging out. They have seen each other on both coasts, in Nyack and in Los Angeles.”

Page Six says that Rosie O jokingly called Tatum O “her new wife” at the opening of Hamilton. The Daily Mail also posted screenshots of tweets that Rosie O re-tweeted about Tatum O. Yup, that obviously means they’re fucking. Rosie O is still technically married to her second wife Michelle Rounds. They broke up earlier this year and are going through a messy divorce.

If these two really are together, then their union has all the makings of a mess waiting to explode. When they’re not screaming at each other, they’ll be make-up munching and when they’re not make-up munching, they’ll be screaming at each other until their mouths fall off. They’re going to be like Chico’s version of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Morgan Freemummy

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Welcome to today’s installment of “Things That Make Morgan Freeman Grumpy.” This is a long-awaited follow-up to “Holding Cotton Candy Makes Morgan Freeman Grumpy.

Yesterday in NYC, grumpy Morgan Freeman got extra grumpy as he threw death glares at the pap who took pictures of him dressed up like a mummy for a movie. Hey, a check is a check. When I first saw these pictures, I got excited, because I thought that Hollywood was finally making a thrilling and dramatic biopic about the life and times of Fruity Yummy Mummy. But sadly, these are pictures from the set of the remake of the 1979 movie Going In Style. I should’ve known, because if Morgan Freeman was playing Fruity Yummy Mummy, his eyes would be filled with sparkly happiness while thinking about all the awards coming his way.

Pics: Splash

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Tom Hardy Is Going To Be A Daddy Again

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Hot piece and former cam whore Tom Hardy and his wife of a year Charlotte Riley were at the UK premiere of his new movie Legend in London today and she looked like she either has a fetus growing up inside her body or she’s on that mozzarella sticks, wine, Oreos and Hot Fries diet I’ve been on since I can remember. Well, Charlotte may be stuffing her body with mozzarella sticks and Hot Fries, but she’s also got a uterus full of Hardy baby.

Tom and Charlotte haven’t made a baby together before, so this will be their first. Tom has a 7-year-old son named Louis from his relationship with Rachel Speed. If Charlotte births out a boy, I will be extremely disappointed if Tom’s sons don’t grow up to be amateur crime solvers with their own detective agency called The Hardy Boys.

Here’s more pictures of Tom, Charlotte (someone really should’ve told her that she’s got toilet paper stuck to the back of her dress) and his dog at the Legend premiere. At first I thought that Tom’s dog was cute, but then I came across the picture of his pooch throwing an over-the-shoulder shady look that says, “Yup, I’m this close to your man, bitch. Stay jealous!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

That Kentucky Clerk Who Refused To Issue Same-Sex Marriage Licenses Is Going To Jail

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Because some of you are messes, Kim Davis, that clerk in Rowan County, KY who won’t give marriage licenses to same-sex couples, has been the #1 Hot Slut of the Day request this week. As if I would ever. First of all, making Kim Davis HSOTD goes against my beliefs, because how can I pay tribute to a woman who would not marry me and my future sugar daddy? Second of all, I cannot pay tribute to a woman with struggle brows. Third of all, I cannot pay tribute to a woman who has blatantly stolen Annie Wilkes’ style game. But then again, I could be speaking from a place of jealousy since Kim Davis has gotten more dick than me. If anybody deserves to be HSOTD, it’s the lady with a blond hair wave of perfection who’s making an, “I’m not with her,” face in this picture:

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If you don’t know about this story, then welcome back from vacationing under that rock.  Ever since the US Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage in every state on June 26th, Kim Davis, who was elected into the position of Rowan County Clerk, has refused to give marriage licenses because of her religious beliefs and “God’s authority” has told her not to. A federal court ordered her to do her job and issue marriage licenses to all couples or go to jail. Kim Davis spat on that order and so today, she went to court where the judge ordered her to go to jail until she starts issuing marriage licenses. via Kentucky.com

A federal judge ordered Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis jailed Thursday after finding her in contempt of court for ignoring his order to issue marriage licenses.

U.S. District Judge David Bunning ordered Davis to remain in jail until she agrees to comply with his Aug. 12 order. She was led from the courtroom by U.S. marshals just after 1 p.m.

Bunning also told five deputy clerks who work for Davis that they have until 1:45 p.m. to decide whether they will comply with his order to issue marriage licenses or join Davis in jail.

UPDATE: Five deputy clerks have told the judge that they will follow his order and begin issuing marriage licenses again. One clerk, who is Kim Davis’ son, is standing by his mom and is refusing ti issue licenses.

Kim Davis has said before that she’d rather go to jail than defy God. She testified for about 20 minutes today and talked about becoming a Christian. She responded with a “thank you” after the judge said, “Bye, Kim.”

We all know how this is going to go. Kim Davis is either going to resign or she’ll be removed from her position and at that point one of her supporters will start a GoFundMe page for her. That GoFundMe page will make Kim Davis a millionaire. I’ve seen this movie before.

Pic: AP

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Bitch Got Sued: The Tori Spelling vs. Benihana Edition

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And the next edition of “Bitch Got Sued” will be: Michael K vs. The Paparazzo Who Took That Picture And Gave Him The Image Of Tori Spelling Giving A Handjob. One second after that picture was taken, that hard vegetable went soft.

A few months ago, the inside of the Benihana in Encino, CA smelled like your kitchen after you microwave a plastic Tupperware bowl for too long, because Tori Spelling somehow fell on a hibachi grill and burned herself. Tori reportedly told friends at the time that when she got up to leave the table, she tripped and fell backwards onto a hot hibachi grill. The burn on Tori’s arm was apparently so bad that she needed a skin graft.

After that story came out, many of you didn’t only smell charbroiled plastic, but you also smelled a lawsuit coming. You called it! TMZ says that Tori is suing the Benihana corporation. Tori claims in her lawsuit that she suffered “deep second and third degree burns” and the incident also burned whatever is left of her checking account, because she had to spend money on medical bills and she lost wages. TMZ has a picture of Tori’s alleged hibachi injury.

Tori Spelling is suing because she wants every Benihana to install safety guards around hibachi grills so this doesn’t happen to another person. HA! No, she wants money for damages, of course.

It’s easy to make a joke about how in order to suffer loss of wages you need to make a wage first, but excuse you, Tori and Dean McDermott are paid fame whores and reality tricks. Being that thirsty is a full-time job, bitch. But I am side-eyeing that “loss of wages” thing for a different reason. Tori and Dean make a reality show about EVERYTHING, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they got paid while making a 6-part “docu-series” for Lifetime about Tori’s burn accident. They’re going to call it either EmergenDEAN: Tori Degree Burns or Burn Tori Crisp.

Here’s Tori, Dean and their kids filming their reality show at a farmer’s market the other day.

Pics: Splash

Tom Brady Is FREEEEEEEEEEEE! (UPDATE)

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Right this minute, Gisele Bundchen is getting into her burqa of disguise and is going to head down to the bar for some celebratory day drinking, because Tom Brady’s four-game suspension has been thrown out and now he won’t be home bothering her by whining and crying about how that big ole’ fat meanie Roger Goodell put him in the time out corner and took away his (deflated) toys. (UPDATE: Roger Goodell says the NFL will appeal the judge’s decision.)

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