Archives: September 2015

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The inspiring and poetic theme song from the latest Golden Girls porn parody!

Every week is Golden Girls Week, but this week is really turning into Golden Girls Week. They’re on the cover of a major INTERNATIONAL publication (They sell Closer in Canada, right?) and the trailer for another Golden Girls parody has squirted up onto the Internet. Uproxx posted the trailer for This Ain’t The Golden Girls XXX porn parody starring Nina Hartley, Karen Summer, Luna Azul and Darla Crane and if the theme song is anything to by, it’s going to be an instant classic and will force the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to include porn in all of the Oscar categories.

Just like the original theme song, the theme song for the GG porn parody is about friendship, loyalty and dick. I mean, in the original GG theme song when she sings “and the biggest gift would be from me,” I’m sure she means that she would roll in a giant present box and out would pop a naked stripper with a thank you card tied to his dick. That is such a Blanche thing to do.

The trailer for the GG porn parody is NSFW (because many work places don’t understand art). It’s the perfect thing to enjoy with your morning coffee and since it’s Golden Girls week, go ahead and watch it while nibbling on some cheesecake too. Cheesecake made from the jizz cookbook, of course. Warning: Make sure you don’t have anything in your mouth when you press play, because you’ll spit it out after hearing the first line.

And here’s the touching lyrics:

Thank you for fucking my friend

Granny pussy don’t mean it’s the end

We love dick, we love balls, but we’re stuck inside of these four walls

And if you threw an orgy, invited four broads to cum, we’ll lube up our slit and then we’ll pull out your big dick and the card attached would say feels good please do it agaaaaaaain and again and again and agaaaaaaain

That is some Hallmark card-like poetry. I’m about to look up some needlepoint tutorials on YouTube, because I want to needlepoint all of those beautiful lyrics onto some throw pillows.

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Birthday Sluts

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Paz de la Huerta (31)
OMI (29)
Shaun White (29)
Garrett Hedlund (31)
Fearne Cotton (34)
Nick Wechsler (37)
Redfoo (40)
Jennifer Paige (43)
Costas Mandylor (50)
Charlie Sheen (50)
Adam Curry (51)
Amber Lynn (51)
Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols (60)
Valerie Perrine (72)
Al Jardine of The Beach Boys (73)

Pic: Wenn.com

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Night Crumbs

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Tom Brady did not wear his wedding ring last night. I guess this means that Wedding Ring Watch has officially begun and I should care, but my brain is too busy having its way with the sight of The Gronk holding that mic like it’s his dick – Lainey Gossip 

Hmmm… I would think that whoopin’ a fellow Real Housewife ‘s ass in front of the cameras would get you a bonus from Bravo – Reality Tea 

Cindy Crawford looks hot in Elle CanadaDrunken Stepfather

It’s funny that Andrew Garfield felt like making Spider-Man was like being imprisoned, because watching him play Spider-Man was a form of torture – Celebitchy

At first I thought that Kermit the Frog’s piece Denise had gone blond and was hawking waist trainers on Instagram – The Superficial 

If you want to be a morning show host, you should be a morning show host in Australia, because they obviously let them smoke the good shit on the job over there – Towleroad

Here’s Jennifer Aniston is leggings – Popoholic

I just watched a video of two red beetles doing it and yes, it had more passion than Kim Kartrashian’s sex tape – Hollywood Tuna

Bette Midler wants to play Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence’s mom – Pajiba

Kylie Jenner’s transformation into Wite Chyna is pretty much complete – IDLYITW

Some people thought Taylor Swift’s video for “Wildest Dreams” was racist and the director’s response was made of dumb. But what offended me most about that video is that she didn’t dedicate it to Cecil the Lion! – HuffPo

It looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar’s wedding dress was made of ruffled bedskirts – The Berry 

President Obama and Bear Grylls took a selfie and thank god neither of them are drinking piss in it – Popsugar

It looks like DC Comics is getting into gay comic porn and I can’t complain – OMG Blog

Dean Jones from The Love Bug and Company on Broadway has died – Just Jared

And let’s end with this headline:

crumbs-headline2015

Believe it or not, Taylor Swift didn’t write that headline.

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Debra Messing Is Cursing Cate Blanchett’s Name Today

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I was hoping that the next Lucille Ball movie would be a horror movie about the terrifying Lucille Ball statue in New York coming to life and opening up a Vitameatavegamin shop where she sells a magic elixir made from the blood of the bitches who tried to get rid of her. That’s not happening. Instead, Hollywood is giving us a big Oscar-baity (probably) authorized Lucille Ball biopic. Cate Blanchett probably woke up this morning to find the words “FUCK YOU CATE BLANDSHIT” graffitied on her garage door and that could mean only two things: Cate Blanchett got the role of Lucille Ball and Debra Messing bought a can of spray paint last night.

The Wrap says that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz’s children, Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr., will produce and because they just had to inject some “the fuck?” into this, Aaron Sorkin is writing the script. The Wrap says the film will only cover Lucy and Desi’s mess of a marriage:

The film will chronicle Ball’s 20-year marriage to Desi Arnaz, with whom she starred on the classic TV sitcom “I Love Lucy.” Ball had two children with Arnaz before they divorced in 1960. She married Gary Morton the following year.

As for who’s going to play Desi, I’m going to guess they’re going to with Oscar Isaac. Or Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan. Definitely Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan.

At least they didn’t cast Jennifer Lawrence (who is snatching roles from 30 and 40-somethings left and right), but Cate Blanchett?! She’s not even a natural ginger! Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying that Lucille Ball wasn’t a natural ginger either, but that’s not the point! Hollywood, as usual, doesn’t know shit. They should’ve cast a natural ginger who can do comedy, drama and can bring the sexiness. We all know who that is:

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Tabloid Magazine Cover Of My Dreams

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay, technically the tabloid cover of my dreams is: “Prince Harry Can’t Get Enough Of Sticking His Dick In Various Glory Holes All Over Southern California!” But this a close second.

Closer is like the InTouch Weekly for the Estroven and “sip rosé while watching Mike & Molly” set, and they never get the attention they really deserve, but now they’ve come out hard and let the other tabloids know not to get too comfortable. Star Magazine’s cover story this week is about how Duchess Kate has got a third baby royale growing in her womb. When isn’t she knocked up? Who cares! NEXT! InTouch Weekly’s cover story is about how Kim Kartrashian dumped Kanye West after catching him with his ex. Is it a surprise that Kim kaught Kanye with a mouthful of Tisci? NO! TRASH IT! None of those covers have anything on Closer who have set fire to the competition with their cover story about the forever relevant Golden Girls!

The Golden Girls ended over 20 years ago but there’s still tea to be spilled and Closer spilled it all. Here’s just two few riveting tidbits from their expose.

Bea Arthur liked to read the paper:

But early on, fault lines began to appear. “Bea was not that fond of me,” Betty has said. Bea probably got even angrier when after the first season, Betty became the first cast member to win an Emmy. “There was joking when Betty came in after that: ‘Oh, boy, it¹s going to be rough around here,’” says Jim Colucci, author of the upcoming book Golden Girls Forever.

Bea’s son Matthew Saks tells Closer it wasn’t personal: “My mom wasn’t really close to anybody. I’m not saying she was a loner, but she just liked to go home and read the paper.”

Estelle Getty wrote her lines on props sometimes:

“People wonder if her dementia was beginning, even back then,” says Colucci of the actress, who died of Lewy Body dementia in 2008. “Estelle really had a panic about knowing her lines. She’d write them on props, and ask to read from cue cards in the later years.” Saks adds, “It was frustrating. It was hard on everybody.”

Bea Arthur liked to go home and read the paper?! She was the Charlie Sheen of her time. I’ve always wondered why Lifetime hasn’t done an unauthorized Golden Girls movie and now I know why. Shit is too risqué for them. We’ll have to wait until Showtime starts making unauthorized biopics.

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Not All Of The Duggars Are Standing By Josh Duggar

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Jessa Duggar publicly said she was supporting her brother Josh Duggar and had forgiven him for molesting her when she was a little girl. But it looks like she has drawn the line at him cheating on his wife. As People points out, Jessa told all her Twitter followers to read a piece written by her father-in-law Michael Seewald about Josh Duggar coming out as a down low peen passer.

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The Royal Couple Of Canada Has Broken Up For Real

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.

Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.

It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.

Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.

It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)

Pic: Wenn.com

Janice Dickinson Almost Died In The Celebrity Big Brother House

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

On the list of Worst Places To Die, I’m sure “in the Celebrity Big Brother House while surrounded by Backdoor Farrah and the Hitler-loving spirit of Tila Tequila is somewhere at the top. That night terror almost became a reality when Janice Dickinson had a medical emergency and nearly had the Grim Reaper knocking on the front door.

Even though Janice’s lips look like they’ve been stung by all the bees, she’s deathly allergic to them. Yesterday, Janice was stung by a bee in the Celebrity Big Brother house and she ran to the Diary Room where she begged producers to get her some medical attention or an EpiPen or some Benadryl or Dr. House or something! Someone! Janice said that her hands were turning black and was afraid it would go to her heart. After a guy, from security I think, went into the Diary Room to check on Janice, she had a seizure, fell onto the floor and continued to have a seizure. Celebrity Big Brother is extremely smooth, because they cut from Janice on the floor to the audience clapping. Janice’s bumblebee medical emergency starts at around the 8:37 mark in the clip below:

Janice was taken to the hospital where she treated and released after a few hours. Sources tell TMZ Janice didn’t bring an EpiPen with her into the house and the situation became really serious and she could’ve died. Metro UK says that Janice has fully recovered and is back in the house. Before Janice almost died, she got in trouble with CBB after she pretended to spit on Austin Armacost. She apparently apologized to him.

Some viewers were pissed at Channel 5 for showing Janice freaking out. It must be refreshing to live in a bubble where you actually think that a network won’t use someone having a seizure for ratings.

When Janice was on Finland’s Next Top Model, she fell down the stairs. When Janice was on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, she was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. And now this! If Janice does another reality show, she better bring the entire cast of Trauma: Life In The ER (never forget) with her.

Gisele Bundchen Threatened To Divorce Tom Brady’s Ass

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The Summer of Splits almost ate one last marriage before it retreated back to its cave to make way for the Fall of Sex Tapes (Fingers and other parts crossed that this will happen and we’ll get a sex tape from Alexander Skarsgard, Joe ManJello, Idris Elba and Prince Hot Ginge. All together, of course.) UsWeekly says that thoughts of throwing her marriage in the dumpster have crossed Gisele Bundchen’s mind and she even paid a visit to a divorce lawyer. No word yet if she wore a burqa of disguise while doing so.

The source says that ever since Tom Brady got suspended for that DeflateGate shit, he’s been a real gaping b-hole and the two have been fighting a lot. Things have gotten so bad that Gisele met with a divorce lawyer and probably because she wanted to know how much her checking account will deflate if she legally quits her husband of 6 years. (The 100% accurate CelebrityNetWorth.com claims she’s worth $340 million and he’s worth $120 million.) I always thought that if their marriage can survive this tragedy….

tombradydutchboyhaircut

…it can survive anything, but I guess that’s not totally true. The source says that this may be the end of GisBra:

“Tom’s become very nasty and irritable and started acting out on her.”

Their spats have become so heated that Bundchen recently consulted with a divorce lawyer, says a Brady insider. “Tom thinks it’s only a threat,” says the insider. “But this is definitely a rough patch.”

Still, says the first source, “Things are very tense right now. This could be the end of them.”

You’d think that Little Tommy would know that now is not the time to act up since I’m sure he’s still grounded from letting Ben Affleck’s nanny ho wear his Super Bowl rings. Gisele needs to up the punishment, that’s all. The next time Tom throws another hissy fit tantrum, she needs to pick up the phone and tell her minions to take a sledgehammer to his slide of eternal joy. That’ll teach the brat.

And here’s Tom struttin’ out of court in NYC on Monday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

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