Archives: September 2015

Janet Jackson Is Back (And She Brought Some Extra Saggy Pampers Pants With Her)

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Janet Jackson’s 36-date comeback world tour started in Vancouver, Canada last night and she wore those Hammer pants the entire night. Damita NOOOOOOOOOOO!

The “Unbreakable World Tour” is Janet’s first tour in 4 years. Between then and now, she’s reportedly been living in the Middle East with her hot billionaire husbandThe New York Times reviewed Janet’s first night and they say that she opened with a new song she did with Missy Elliott and spent the rest of the night delivering her hits. She performed a couple of other new songs including “No Sleep,” the first single from her new album. Janet kept it simple. While other pop stars bring out every goddamn celebrity on the planet and shoot themselves out of cannons and shit, Janet wore one outfit and didn’t have any set changes.

Janet paid tribute to Michael Jackson by performing “Scream,” and that makes sense, but I scanned several articles about her show and not one of them mentioned her paying homage to La Toya Jackson. Janet didn’t do any covers of La Toya’s gigantic hits like “Heart Don’t Lie,” “Bad Girl” and “Camp Kuchi Kaiai.” Janet also didn’t end the show by saying, “None of this would’ve been possible without the most talented and beautiful Jackson, La Toya!” That just doesn’t make sense.

Here’s a montage of Janet’s show and it’s worth watching even though there’s no traces of La Toya in it.

Janet should’ve at least let La Toya pick out her outfit, because Toy Toy would’ve never let her wear some pants that make her look like Donald Duck from the waist down.

Pics:, Splash


Open Post: Hosted By Kermit The Frog’s New Piece

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced early last month that they were done with each other after nearly 40 years together and I thought it was some shameless stunt to promote their new show on ABC. It may very well still be a shameless stunt, but if it is, they’re milking it all the way by introducing Kermit the Frog’s new piece Denise! (I love that her name is Denise.) I guess Kermit is a 100% porkosexual, because he just can’t get enough of pig.

No, Kermit and Denise didn’t meet on Ashley Madison. They met at ABC (so they claim). Denise is the head of ABC’s marketing department, so it’s not exactly a coincidence that ABC released pictures of that barn wrecking gold digging tramp swine. A source (Denise) also told People that Kermit’s got it bad for Denise.

Kermit, who is still working with Miss Piggy on her late-night talk show Up Late with Miss Piggy – a situation that is being documented on the upcoming ABC series The Muppets – has been spotted around town numerous times with a head of marketing at ABC named Denise, a source tells PEOPLE exclusively.

“She’s always stopping by the set of Up Late,” the source says of Denise. “He calls her his girlfriend,” adds the source.

Meanwhile, Miss Piggy is drying her sad tears on Liam Hemsworth. Does that mean that Liam is a Plushie, is into bestiality or a little of both?

I really don’t know if I should be on Team Miss Piggy or Team Denise.

Miss Piggy is a legend, an icon of glamour and yes, she flirts with other tricks, but she’s always been ride or die for Kermit. On the other hoof, she’s a sloppy drunk, a bossy bitch and is always issuing a karate chop on Kermie. Then there’s Denise. Denise has an A++ eyebrow situation, is already an accomplished home wrecker and she looks like the scheming type who will “leak” dick pics once Kermit drops her. But on the other hoof, her snout job is a mess, she’ll probably become friends with the Kartrashians, she’s definitely trying to get a reality show out of it and you know she’s got THOT (that hog over there) tattooed on her felt ass cheek. I bet it’s only a matter of time before we see her batting her scheming eyes for the paps as she works the ho stroll while struttin’ to the brand new Lexus convertible that Kermit bought her.

And if Denise is really going to play the game, she needs to elevate her fashion and stop buying her shit from Dress Barn.



Lena Dunham Doesn’t Like Justin Bieber’s New Song

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Some people don’t like Justin Bieber’s new song, because it’s sung by Justin Bieber, but Lena Dunham doesn’t like it for a different reason. Lena Dunham thinks that some of the lyrics in the Biebs’ “What Do You Mean?” promote rape culture. Before I agree or disagree with Lena, I need to check the law to see if it states that promoting rape culture in a pop song will result in lifetime imprisonment.

In the Biebs’ new song, he yodels out the lyrics,  “What do you mean? / When you nod your head yes / But you wanna say no / What do you mean?” The Internet ran their magnifying glasses over the stupid lyrics of a Justin Bieber song and some think that he’s Robin Thicke Jr. The Biebs recently explained the meaning of his extremely deep song to the evil mastermind frog Ryan Seacrest: 

“Well, girls are often just flip-floppy … They say something and they mean something else. So … what do you mean? I don’t really know, that’s why I’m asking.”

I listened to “What Do You Mean?” a few times (for research purposes only, okay?) and I didn’t get a “Blurred Lines” vibe from it at all. But the Little Critter of Brooklyn did and she let it be known that she doesn’t like it. Lena never called out the Biebs by name, but you don’t have to ask her “Who do you mean?” to know who the hell she’s talking about.

Lena also played coy on Instagram.

Of course, Lena opened up a can of rage and the Beliebers are pounding their keyboards to death while going after her on Twitter. I scanned her mentions and a huge chunk of Beliebers told Lena to shut her mouth and mentioned what she wrote about her sister in her book.

Damn everybody involved in this. If the Biebs never shat up that song, Lena Dunham would’ve never tweeted that tweet. If Lena Dunham never tweeted that tweet, I wouldn’t have had to kind-of-sort-of defended Justin Bieber. Damn them all!



Paris Hilton Hosted A Foam Party For Kids In Ibiza

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

That baby on the right is obviously thinking, “I am way too sober for this,” and those are my thoughts exactly.

“Paris Hilton Hosted A Foam Party For Kids In Ibiza” are 10 words that when put together in one sentence makes your brain burp up one thought: WUT? DJ Wonky McValtrex is currently pressing the play button on her iPod while doing a summer residency at Club Amnesia in Ibiza and on Saturday afternoon, she hosted a party for a bunch children.

Before you look for the number to Child Protective Services in Ibiza, TMZ says that DJ Wonky’s rave for kids was also a charity benefit to raise money for children with disabilities. $100,000 was raised. So that means we can take away St. Angie Jolie’s title as this generation’s Patron Saint of Children and give it to Paris. Because has St. Angie ever raised a hundred thousands dollars by throwing a foam party in Ibiza for a bunch of kids?

It’s stories like this that remind me that nothing is stranger than real-life. I don’t think there’s a drunk strong enough to cause me to hallucinate the image of a charitable Paris Hilton dancing in front of an audience of glow stick-waving children at a club in Ibiza.

Pics: Instagram, TMZ


Ariana Grande Latte And Miley Cyrus Can’t Sit With Taylor Swift And Her Girl Squad

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.

Idris Elba Is “Too Street” To Play James Bond, So Says The Author Of The Latest Bond Novel (UPDATE)

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba has long been talked about as the one who should replace Daniel Craig as James Bond and he has said before that he’s into it and even Sony’s ex-co chairman Amy Pascal is for it. But one trick who is totally not into it is the author of a James Bond novel whose name isn’t Ian Fleming. Anthony Horowitz, the author of the newest Bond book Trigger Mortis (I both love and hate that title), tells The Daily Mail that Idris Elba is “too street” to play James Bond. According to him, “too street” isn’t code for “too black.” Anthony can name other black actors who should play Bond (Adrian Lester is one, he says), but Idris isn’t one of them.

“Idris Elba is a terrific actor, but I can think of other black actors who would do it better. For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond. Is it a question of being suave? Yeah.”

Anthony also thinks Skyfall is the worst Bond movie ever, he didn’t like Quantum of Solice and he thinks Ian Fleming’s Bond novels are “too slow.” If his ass also said that Denise Richards is the worst Bond girl of all-time, I’d really raise a pitchfork at him!

But Anthony does think Daniel Craig is a great James Bond. Okay, so if Idris is “too street,” then what in the hell is Daniel Craig? Daniel Craig is way more street than Idris Elba. One of the reasons I like Daniel Craig as Bond is that he’s both suave and rougher than Miley Cyrus’ voice. Dude looks like he’s been shanked in the face several times during bar fights, stole all of the suits he wears and will directly spit on your genitals if there isn’t any lube around. That’s one way I like my Bond.

And Idris Elba never struck me as street at all. He looks like he came out of his mom’s vagina while wearing a tuxedo.

UPDATE: That was fast. Anthony Horowitz is sorry.

“I’m really sorry my comments about Idris Elba have caused offence. That wasn’t my intention. I was asked in my interview if Idris Elba would make a good James bond. In the article I expressed the opinion that to my mind Adrian Lester would be a better choice, but I’m a writer not a casting director, so what do I know? Clumsily, I chose the word ‘street’ as Elba’s gritty portrayal of DCI John Luther was in my mind, but I admit it was a poor choice of word. I am mortified to have caused offence.”


Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Eric, the asshole bird from Australia who doesn’t mince words when fighting with a dog.

Screw that manufactured beef between Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus. This is the kind of beef the Internet wants, needs and deserves.

Cats just got themselves an unlikely ally in their never-ending war against dogs. Over in Australia lives Eric, a dirty bird with a mouth like a Dlisted commenter. As his human Sharon Curle recorded on her phone, Eric got into a little tussle with the family dog and it seems like his troublemaking ass started it. Eric’s human tells him to calm down, stop spitting and let the dog live its life. Eric doesn’t listen and when the dog fights back, he shoots out a cunt bomb from his beak. Oh Eric, if there was a Dlisted School of Language Arts, you’d be our valedictorian.

The Internet has lied to us and played with our emotions too many times, so there’s a part of me that thinks some ventriloquism shit is going down and a human is saying those words. But if it’s true, then Eric needs to be on a reality TV show now. I don’t know if he lives anywhere near Melbourne, but he should be on Real Housewives of Melbourne. He spits at tricks, calls them “cunts” and he works a smoky eye better than all of the birds on that show. He’s perfect!

via Facebook (For Joanne and Laura)


Birthday Sluts

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Scott Speedman (40)
Zendaya Coleman (19)
Bill Kaulitz (26)
Tom Kaulitz (26)
Chanel West Coast (27)
Babydaddy of the Scissor Sisters (39)
J.D. Fortune (42)
Ricardo Chavira (44)
Rachel Zoe (44)
Padma Lakshmi (45)
Gloria Estefan (58)
Dr. Phil (65)
Barry Gibb (69)
Lily Tomlin (76)

Pic: Jane/Glamour


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