Archives: September 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Morgan Freemummy

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Welcome to today’s installment of “Things That Make Morgan Freeman Grumpy.” This is a long-awaited follow-up to “Holding Cotton Candy Makes Morgan Freeman Grumpy.

Yesterday in NYC, grumpy Morgan Freeman got extra grumpy as he threw death glares at the pap who took pictures of him dressed up like a mummy for a movie. Hey, a check is a check. When I first saw these pictures, I got excited, because I thought that Hollywood was finally making a thrilling and dramatic biopic about the life and times of Fruity Yummy Mummy. But sadly, these are pictures from the set of the remake of the 1979 movie Going In Style. I should’ve known, because if Morgan Freeman was playing Fruity Yummy Mummy, his eyes would be filled with sparkly happiness while thinking about all the awards coming his way.

Pics: Splash

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Tom Hardy Is Going To Be A Daddy Again

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Hot piece and former cam whore Tom Hardy and his wife of a year Charlotte Riley were at the UK premiere of his new movie Legend in London today and she looked like she either has a fetus growing up inside her body or she’s on that mozzarella sticks, wine, Oreos and Hot Fries diet I’ve been on since I can remember. Well, Charlotte may be stuffing her body with mozzarella sticks and Hot Fries, but she’s also got a uterus full of Hardy baby.

Tom and Charlotte haven’t made a baby together before, so this will be their first. Tom has a 7-year-old son named Louis from his relationship with Rachel Speed. If Charlotte births out a boy, I will be extremely disappointed if Tom’s sons don’t grow up to be amateur crime solvers with their own detective agency called The Hardy Boys.

Here’s more pictures of Tom, Charlotte (someone really should’ve told her that she’s got toilet paper stuck to the back of her dress) and his dog at the Legend premiere. At first I thought that Tom’s dog was cute, but then I came across the picture of his pooch throwing an over-the-shoulder shady look that says, “Yup, I’m this close to your man, bitch. Stay jealous!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

That Kentucky Clerk Who Refused To Issue Same-Sex Marriage Licenses Is Going To Jail

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Because some of you are messes, Kim Davis, that clerk in Rowan County, KY who won’t give marriage licenses to same-sex couples, has been the #1 Hot Slut of the Day request this week. As if I would ever. First of all, making Kim Davis HSOTD goes against my beliefs. Second of all, I cannot pay tribute to a woman with struggle brows. Third of all, I cannot pay tribute to a woman who has blatantly stolen Annie Wilkes’ style game. But then again, I could be speaking from a place of jealousy since Kim Davis has gotten more dick than me. If anybody deserves to be HSOTD, it’s the blond lady making a, “I’m not with her,” face in this picture:

kentuckyclerkjail2

If you don’t know about this story, then welcome back from vacationing under that rock.  Ever since the US Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage in every state on June 26th, Kim Davis, who was elected into the position of Rowan County Clerk, has refused to give marriage licenses because of her religious beliefs and “God’s authority” has told her not to. A federal court ordered her to do her job and issue marriage licenses to all couples or go to jail. Kim Davis spat on that order and so today, she went to court where the judge ordered her to go to jail until she starts issuing marriage licenses. via Kentucky.com

A federal judge ordered Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis jailed Thursday after finding her in contempt of court for ignoring his order to issue marriage licenses.

U.S. District Judge David Bunning ordered Davis to remain in jail until she agrees to comply with his Aug. 12 order. She was led from the courtroom by U.S. marshals just after 1 p.m.

Bunning also told five deputy clerks who work for Davis that they have until 1:45 p.m. to decide whether they will comply with his order to issue marriage licenses or join Davis in jail.

UPDATE: Five deputy clerks have told the judge that they will follow his order and begin issuing marriage licenses again. One clerk, who is Kim Davis’ son, is standing by his mom and is refusing ti issue licenses.

Kim Davis has said before that she’d rather go to jail than defy God. She testified for about 20 minutes today and talked about becoming a Christian. She responded with a “thank you” after the judge said, “Bye, Kim.”

We all know how this is going to go. Kim Davis is either going to resign or she’ll be removed from her position and at that point one of her supporters will start a GoFundMe page for her. That GoFundMe page will make Kim Davis a millionaire. I’ve seen this movie before.

Pic: AP

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Bitch Got Sued: The Tori Spelling vs. Benihana Edition

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And the next edition of “Bitch Got Sued” will be: Michael K vs. The Paparazzo Who Took That Picture And Gave Him The Image Of Tori Spelling Giving A Handjob. One second after that picture was taken, that hard vegetable went soft.

A few months ago, the inside of the Benihana in Encino, CA smelled like your kitchen after you microwave a plastic Tupperware bowl for too long, because Tori Spelling somehow fell on a hibachi grill and burned herself. Tori reportedly told friends at the time that when she got up to leave the table, she tripped and fell backwards onto a hot hibachi grill. The burn on Tori’s arm was apparently so bad that she needed a skin graft.

After that story came out, many of you didn’t only smell charbroiled plastic, but you also smelled a lawsuit coming. You called it! TMZ says that Tori is suing the Benihana corporation. Tori claims in her lawsuit that she suffered “deep second and third degree burns” and the incident also burned whatever is left of her checking account, because she had to spend money on medical bills and she lost wages. TMZ has a picture of Tori’s alleged hibachi injury.

Tori Spelling is suing because she wants every Benihana to install safety guards around hibachi grills so this doesn’t happen to another person. HA! No, she wants money for damages, of course.

It’s easy to make a joke about how in order to suffer loss of wages you need to make a wage first, but excuse you, Tori and Dean McDermott are paid fame whores and reality tricks. Being that thirsty is a full-time job, bitch. But I am side-eyeing that “loss of wages” thing for a different reason. Tori and Dean make a reality show about EVERYTHING, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they got paid while making a 6-part “docu-series” for Lifetime about Tori’s burn accident. They’re going to call it either EmergenDEAN: Tori Degree Burns or Burn Tori Crisp.

Here’s Tori, Dean and their kids filming their reality show at a farmer’s market the other day.

Pics: Splash

Tom Brady Is FREEEEEEEEEEEE! (UPDATE)

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Right this minute, Gisele Bundchen is getting into her burqa of disguise and is going to head down to the bar for some celebratory day drinking, because Tom Brady’s four-game suspension has been thrown out and now he won’t be home bothering her by whining and crying about how that big ole’ fat meanie Roger Goodell put him in the time out corner and took away his (deflated) toys. (UPDATE: Roger Goodell says the NFL will appeal the judge’s decision.)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The inspiring and poetic theme song from the latest Golden Girls porn parody!

Every week is Golden Girls Week, but this week is really turning into Golden Girls Week. They’re on the cover of a major INTERNATIONAL publication (They sell Closer in Canada, right?) and the trailer for another Golden Girls parody has squirted up onto the Internet. Uproxx posted the trailer for This Ain’t The Golden Girls XXX porn parody starring Nina Hartley, Karen Summer, Luna Azul and Darla Crane and if the theme song is anything to by, it’s going to be an instant classic and will force the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to include porn in all of the Oscar categories.

Just like the original theme song, the theme song for the GG porn parody is about friendship, loyalty and dick. I mean, in the original GG theme song when she sings “and the biggest gift would be from me,” I’m sure she means that she would roll in a giant present box and out would pop a naked stripper with a thank you card tied to his dick. That is such a Blanche thing to do.

The trailer for the GG porn parody is NSFW (because many work places don’t understand art). It’s the perfect thing to enjoy with your morning coffee and since it’s Golden Girls week, go ahead and watch it while nibbling on some cheesecake too. Cheesecake made from the jizz cookbook, of course. Warning: Make sure you don’t have anything in your mouth when you press play, because you’ll spit it out after hearing the first line.

And here’s the touching lyrics:

Thank you for fucking my friend

Granny pussy don’t mean it’s the end

We love dick, we love balls, but we’re stuck inside of these four walls

And if you threw an orgy, invited four broads to cum, we’ll lube up our slit and then we’ll pull out your big dick and the card attached would say feels good please do it agaaaaaaain and again and again and agaaaaaaain

That is some Hallmark card-like poetry. I’m about to look up some needlepoint tutorials on YouTube, because I want to needlepoint all of those beautiful lyrics onto some throw pillows.

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Birthday Sluts

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Paz de la Huerta (31)
OMI (29)
Shaun White (29)
Garrett Hedlund (31)
Fearne Cotton (34)
Nick Wechsler (37)
Redfoo (40)
Jennifer Paige (43)
Costas Mandylor (50)
Charlie Sheen (50)
Adam Curry (51)
Amber Lynn (51)
Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols (60)
Valerie Perrine (72)
Al Jardine of The Beach Boys (73)

Pic: Wenn.com

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Night Crumbs

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Tom Brady did not wear his wedding ring last night. I guess this means that Wedding Ring Watch has officially begun and I should care, but my brain is too busy having its way with the sight of The Gronk holding that mic like it’s his dick – Lainey Gossip 

Hmmm… I would think that whoopin’ a fellow Real Housewife ‘s ass in front of the cameras would get you a bonus from Bravo – Reality Tea 

Cindy Crawford looks hot in Elle CanadaDrunken Stepfather

It’s funny that Andrew Garfield felt like making Spider-Man was like being imprisoned, because watching him play Spider-Man was a form of torture – Celebitchy

At first I thought that Kermit the Frog’s piece Denise had gone blond and was hawking waist trainers on Instagram – The Superficial 

If you want to be a morning show host, you should be a morning show host in Australia, because they obviously let them smoke the good shit on the job over there – Towleroad

Here’s Jennifer Aniston is leggings – Popoholic

I just watched a video of two red beetles doing it and yes, it had more passion than Kim Kartrashian’s sex tape – Hollywood Tuna

Bette Midler wants to play Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence’s mom – Pajiba

Kylie Jenner’s transformation into Wite Chyna is pretty much complete – IDLYITW

Some people thought Taylor Swift’s video for “Wildest Dreams” was racist and the director’s response was made of dumb. But what offended me most about that video is that she didn’t dedicate it to Cecil the Lion! – HuffPo

It looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar’s wedding dress was made of ruffled bedskirts – The Berry 

President Obama and Bear Grylls took a selfie and thank god neither of them are drinking piss in it – Popsugar

It looks like DC Comics is getting into gay comic porn and I can’t complain – OMG Blog

Dean Jones from The Love Bug and Company on Broadway has died – Just Jared

And let’s end with this headline:

crumbs-headline2015

Believe it or not, Taylor Swift didn’t write that headline.

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Debra Messing Is Cursing Cate Blanchett’s Name Today

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I was hoping that the next Lucille Ball movie would be a horror movie about the terrifying Lucille Ball statue in New York coming to life and opening up a Vitameatavegamin shop where she sells a magic elixir made from the blood of the bitches who tried to get rid of her. That’s not happening. Instead, Hollywood is giving us a big Oscar-baity (probably) authorized Lucille Ball biopic. Cate Blanchett probably woke up this morning to find the words “FUCK YOU CATE BLANDSHIT” graffitied on her garage door and that could mean only two things: Cate Blanchett got the role of Lucille Ball and Debra Messing bought a can of spray paint last night.

The Wrap says that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz’s children, Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr., will produce and because they just had to inject some “the fuck?” into this, Aaron Sorkin is writing the script. The Wrap says the film will only cover Lucy and Desi’s mess of a marriage:

The film will chronicle Ball’s 20-year marriage to Desi Arnaz, with whom she starred on the classic TV sitcom “I Love Lucy.” Ball had two children with Arnaz before they divorced in 1960. She married Gary Morton the following year.

As for who’s going to play Desi, I’m going to guess they’re going to with Oscar Isaac. Or Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan. Definitely Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan.

At least they didn’t cast Jennifer Lawrence (who is snatching roles from 30 and 40-somethings left and right), but Cate Blanchett?! She’s not even a natural ginger! Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying that Lucille Ball wasn’t a natural ginger either, but that’s not the point! Hollywood, as usual, doesn’t know shit. They should’ve cast a natural ginger who can do comedy, drama and can bring the sexiness. We all know who that is:

Pics: Wenn.com

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