Archives: September 2015

Night Crumbs

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

RIP Shia LaDouche’s rattail weave. You were too gorgeous for this world. Goodnight, sweet, beautiful rattail angel. (And I bet Shia shaved his head because he got a case of mutant lice.) – Popsugar

A backstage VMAs video of Taylor Swift made the rounds and in it, her handlers cover her as she does something with her nose. The rumor started that she was doing coke and her publicist immediately said that pristine Taylor of Green Gables wasn’t snorting the bad shit. She was blowing her nose and didn’t want anyone to see her snots coming out. So, now you know. Taylor doesn’t do coke, okay? She’s just naturally that annoying – Lainey Gossip 

The court in Monaco ordered Kelly Rutherford to hand over her children’s passports and a new hearing has been set for October. I’m sure before the month is over, Kelly Rutherford will be tacked by the Secret Service after she hops the White House fence and runs down the lawn while screaming for President Obama to rescue her American citizen children from the corrupt Monaco government – Celebitchy

That robot mask emotes more human emotion than Jessica Alba’s face does – Drunken Stepfather

The ex-husband of Tamra Barney from The Real Housewives of Orange County says she’s a regular Mommie Dearest – Reality Tea 

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is being sued for not being honest and while they’re at it, they should sue her for calling whatever she’s done in movies “acting” – The Superficial 

Caitlyn Jenner used to be against same-sex marriage, but it sounds like she kind of tolerates it now, because if she speaks out against it the entire LGBT community will rip her weave to shreds – Towleroad

Selena Gomez does the “airing out my sweaty pits” pose – Popoholic

Joanna Krupa should’ve changed her outfit before leaving the bukkake party – Hollywood Tuna 

Anne Hathaway says she’s an old hag in Hollywood years and is losing roles to youngins’ – Jezebel

It’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, so why not watch a baby tortoise eating apple sauce? – The Berry 

Pink thinks this year’s MTV VMAs was a giant piece of trash, as opposed to other years when it’s been an elegant display of class and refinement – HuffPo

This Texas sorority girl is riding around in a Barbie car after getting caught drunk driving outside of a Waka Flocka concert. I don’t know if she’s my hero or is the worst. I’m kind of going with “the worst,” because who goes to a Waka Flocka concert?! – WWTDD

Here’s Taco Bell’s fried chicken shell taco and yes, I totally would – OMG Blog

The bouquet that Kanye West sent Taylor Swift looks like a leftover from his wedding wall – SOW

The 90s wet farted all over Kristen StewartJust Jared

And here’s some news that’ll make the crazy Robsten fangirls rub themselves raw with happiness – ICYDK

Pic: FameFlynet

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And Now Here’s A Pre-Saint Angelina Jolie Delivering Raw Emotion In Acting Class

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Don’t be fooled. All of the gods above gave Angelina Jolie the natural gift of flawless acting skills and she never needed to take classes like a regular peon does. But even back in the old days she had the heart of a saint and only went to acting class to inspire those less talented with her perfect delivery and to show them what perfect ACTING is!

The Daily Mail (via Vulture) posted this vintage clip of Dame St. Angie Jolie leaving blood, sweat, tears, emotion, drama, guts, spit and more on the floor as she sharpens her already razor sharp craft in acting class. The Daily Mail claims the clip is from 2000 when St. Angie was 25 years old. I am not one to question The Daily Mail’s research skills, but if St. Angie was 25 here, that means it was around the time she won the Oscar for Girl, Interrupted. Err, I don’t know, this looks like pre-Hackers to me. But maybe she was playing a teenager in these scenes and she’s so good that she’s able to transform her face into a teenager’s face with facial expressions and acting. That has to be it.

I’m lazy or else I’d make a young St. Angie saying, “I feel like I have no voice!”, my new voicemail greeting.

Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp At The Venice Film Festival

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The movie that Sienna Miller was WRONGLY cut out of (I can’t even type its name) is premiering at the Venice Film Festival and so Johnny Depp, the human embodiment of a 2-day-old cold Pumpkin Spice Latte Dakota Johnson, Joel Edgerton and director Scott Cooper came out to sell that shit.

It’s strange that Johnny Depp was actually able to walk and pose for photographers, because I didn’t think he could function without a million scarves draped around his neck and a thousand Santa Fe gift shop bracelets on his wrists. I thought scarves and bracelets were his life blood, but I guess not. As the entire scarf industry shook with fear over their future, Johnny Depp worked it while dressed like a grandpa going to play dominos in the park with his friends. Yes, Johnny’s mop was more greased up than a horny memaw’s pussy, but he looked like he spent time in a shower and that’s progress.

At a press conference for the movie, one of the reporters asked Johnny about the most famous members of the Depp family, Boo and Pistol, and he joked that he killed them and ate them under direct orders of some “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.” Johnny, of course, was making fun of his dogs getting deported from Australia because he broke the law and brought them in illegally. Lap up the smugness at the 1:53:

THIS BITCH. Along with that charbroiled Yorkie, Johnny should’ve eaten a side of Get A Fucking Clue and washed it down with a cup of Shut The Hell Up. Amber Heard better search the Internet for how to cook Australian prison mice using the sunshine beaming through her jailhouse window, because thanks to Johnny’s little joke, that “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australiais totally going to take it out on her and make sure she gets locked up for a long ass time. (Yeah, right.)

Pics: Wenn.com

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The Ferrari Tyga Gave Kylie Jenner For Her Birthday Was Leased In Her Name

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Tyga should probably change the lyrics in his pedo anthem “Stimulated from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she lease her own gift.

Radar is reporting some truly shocking news that will turn your Labor Day Weekend upside down and leave you feeling numb, confused and wondering what in the hell is true in this world. They say that the car Tyga presented to Kylie Jenner in front of all the paps on her 18th birthday wasn’t paid for in full. Hold on to your chair like it’s made of dicks, because the next revelation will blow you away. They say that the car was leased and Tyga took out the lease in Kylie’s name.

A source says that Tyga’s face and moral compass aren’t the only things that are broke about him. The source says that Tyga is worth $4 million, which is fuck-it money rich to you and me, but is apparently considered broke in the rapper world. Tyga doesn’t have enough money to spend on the car that costs about as much as many single-family homes and he didn’t lease it in his name, because he doesn’t want to be left with the payments once they break up.

“He leased it. He couldn’t afford to actually buy one for her. He put the lease in her name, so if anything goes wrong financially she’s on the hook paying for it.”

The source also says that the Kartrashians are concerned that Tyga is just using Kylie. Overdosing on Botox and silicone must give the Kartrashians extreme powers of perception, because I always thought that Tyga was with Kylie for her intellect and knowledge of classic literature.  But seriously…

This is just sloppy, sloppy work from Pimp Mama Kris. She should’ve given the money to Tyga and hired a paparazzo to take pictures of him handing over said money (in the form of cash in a Birkin bag) to the Ferrari dealer. Then PMK should’ve leaked a story about how Tyga bought the car in full with his own money, but put it in Kylie’s name, because if for some weird reason their true love breaks, he can’t claim it. I really thought that PMK was an impeccable puppet master pimp who perfectly executed all of her stunts. I thought wrong. You really think you know a demon…

And here’s Wite Chyna going somewhere.

Pics: Splash

Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Were Papped Outside Their Marriage Counselor’s Office

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Christine the Nanny has been missing from the ho stroll for a little while, but I fully expect her to put on a “Mrs. Affleck” t-shirt and take a drive in her Lexus convertible down Robertson Blvd. to show off her new vanity plate that reads “BENSGRL.” Because yesterday, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were papped together and his usual glum cunt frown was replaced with a bright, shiny happy face, and she also threw a smile that said, “Seethe, nanny, seethe.”

People says that yesterday, Ben and Jennifer paid a visit to a counseling center in L.A. and they drove there together in his mid-life crisis mobile. People “somehow knows” (that may or may not be code for “Ben and Jen’s publicists told them“) that this is the first time they’ve been to that center since announcing they’re burying their marriage in a shallow grave. They used to go to weekly sessions there a lot, but stopped going months before they broke up.

I thought one of the perks of being separated (besides getting to fuck whoever you want without too much judgement, of course) is that you don’t have to spill your feewings in marriage counseling sessions anymore. Sure, they could be seeing a counselor to figure out how to raise their kids while not being married to each other, but still. That seems really exhausting. If for some weird, bizarre, fucked-up reason I have kids and I break up with the dude I’m with, we’re going to communicate the traditional way. We’re never going to speak to each other and when I send the kids over to his house, I’m going to make them give him a note from me that reads: “I HATE YOUR FACE! DIE, BITCH, DIE! xoMichael” Call me old-fashioned.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, FameFlynet

Giada De Laurentiis Has To Pay Her Ex-Husband $9K A Month In Child Support

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The Blind Item Queen, Giada De Laurentiis, is officially divorced (or as she probably says it, “deeeee-vor-chaid”) from her husband of 12 years Todd Thompson and even though their love is dead, they’ll be bonded for a long time thanks to their child and the $9,000 she has to send his ass every single month.

TMZ says that Giada and Todd didn’t have a prenup, so they split everything up 50/50. This is the prize package Todd got for signing those divorce papers:

– Their $3.2 million house in Pacific Palisades, CA.

– $300,000 in art and furniture.

– A membership to some fancy country club in Bel-Air.

– A piece of their joint bank accounts, which have around $2 million in them.

– 50% of the unpaid advances (totaling around $5.5 million) she’s getting for several cookbooks that are currently in the works.

– $9,000 a month in child support.

– A Porsche.

Giada gets to keep her own Porsche and all the rights to her brand. Todd isn’t getting spousal support, because apparently, he’s almost as rich as her. TMZ says his net worth is $15 million and hers is $20 million. They have agreed to share joint custody of their 7-year-old daughter Jade Marie.

$9,000 a month in child support when they share custody? Either that’s a little extra STFU money or their daughter eats a bowl of solid gold flakes every morning.

If the Italian-American Tweedy Bird of the Food Network is looking to rebound by marrying a skinny fat gay blogger who won’t roll his eyes like other HATERS when she says, “parm-ih-john-o reg-ee-ah-no,” and won’t judge her if she wants to jump on John Mayer’s David Duke dick (again, allegedly), she knows where to find me. It’d be the perfect marriage, but only if we marry without a prenup, because I believe in complete trust (and getting to keep our Pacific Palisades mansion in the divorce).

Pic: Splash

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Behold, The Dude With The 19-Inch Dick: Would You Hit It?

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Denis, the drag queen superstar from Israel who is so famous that she can do a cereal ad without even mentioning the cereal’s name.

Branflakes is a cereal marketed toward women in Israel and it’s for women, because, just like Special K (the cereal, not the bad shit you did in the early aughts at the club), it’s supposed to help you lose some fat. Also, the flakes are lighter, because women aren’t strong enough to lift regular flakes. Instead of getting a skinny model to brag about how she got skinny from eating fucking cereal, Branflakes hired Denis (who sometimes goes by Denize), an A-list queen who was famous long before Kermit the Frog’s home wrecking hussy harlot hog whore hit the stroll.

In the video for the ear worm of a song titled “Denis Denis,” the hybrid of Mario Cantone and Lady Gaga (although, you know Lady Gaga stole her visuals and the hair bow idea from Denis) sings about the struggles of being a big, beautiful perfect 10 queen.

There must be some Illuminati-like subliminal messages in that ad, because I don’t even know what Branflakes taste like and I want some. I’d much rather be eating a bowl of weight-loss cereal than the Toaster Strudel frosting I’m squirting directly into my mouth. No, I wouldn’t, but “Denis Denis” is still the real song of the summer.

(For Caitlin)

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