Archives: September 2015

Open Post: Hosted By The Tabloid Magazine Cover Of My Dreams

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay, technically the tabloid cover of my dreams is: “Prince Harry Can’t Get Enough Of Sticking His Dick In Various Glory Holes All Over Southern California!” But this a close second.

Closer is like the InTouch Weekly for the Estroven and “sip rosé while watching Mike & Molly” set, and they never get the attention they really deserve, but now they’ve come out hard and let the other tabloids know not to get too comfortable. Star Magazine’s cover story this week is about how Duchess Kate has got a third baby royale growing in her womb. When isn’t she knocked up? Who cares! NEXT! InTouch Weekly’s cover story is about how Kim Kartrashian dumped Kanye West after catching him with his ex. Is it a surprise that Kim kaught Kanye with a mouthful of Tisci? NO! TRASH IT! None of those covers have anything on Closer who have set fire to the competition with their cover story about the forever relevant Golden Girls!

The Golden Girls ended over 20 years ago but there’s still tea to be spilled and Closer spilled it all. Here’s just two few riveting tidbits from their expose.

Bea Arthur liked to read the paper:

But early on, fault lines began to appear. “Bea was not that fond of me,” Betty has said. Bea probably got even angrier when after the first season, Betty became the first cast member to win an Emmy. “There was joking when Betty came in after that: ‘Oh, boy, it¹s going to be rough around here,’” says Jim Colucci, author of the upcoming book Golden Girls Forever.

Bea’s son Matthew Saks tells Closer it wasn’t personal: “My mom wasn’t really close to anybody. I’m not saying she was a loner, but she just liked to go home and read the paper.”

Estelle Getty wrote her lines on props sometimes:

“People wonder if her dementia was beginning, even back then,” says Colucci of the actress, who died of Lewy Body dementia in 2008. “Estelle really had a panic about knowing her lines. She’d write them on props, and ask to read from cue cards in the later years.” Saks adds, “It was frustrating. It was hard on everybody.”

Bea Arthur liked to go home and read the paper?! She was the Charlie Sheen of her time. I’ve always wondered why Lifetime hasn’t done an unauthorized Golden Girls movie and now I know why. Shit is too risqué for them. We’ll have to wait until Showtime starts making unauthorized biopics.

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Not All Of The Duggars Are Standing By Josh Duggar

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Jessa Duggar publicly said she was supporting her brother Josh Duggar and had forgiven him for molesting her when she was a little girl. But it looks like she has drawn the line at him cheating on his wife. As People points out, Jessa told all her Twitter followers to read a piece written by her father-in-law Michael Seewald about Josh Duggar coming out as a down low peen passer.

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The Royal Couple Of Canada Has Broken Up For Real

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.

Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.

It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.

Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.

It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)

Pic: Wenn.com

Janice Dickinson Almost Died In The Celebrity Big Brother House

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

On the list of Worst Places To Die, I’m sure “in the Celebrity Big Brother House while surrounded by Backdoor Farrah and the Hitler-loving spirit of Tila Tequila is somewhere at the top. That night terror almost became a reality when Janice Dickinson had a medical emergency and nearly had the Grim Reaper knocking on the front door.

Even though Janice’s lips look like they’ve been stung by all the bees, she’s deathly allergic to them. Yesterday, Janice was stung by a bee in the Celebrity Big Brother house and she ran to the Diary Room where she begged producers to get her some medical attention or an EpiPen or some Benadryl or Dr. House or something! Someone! Janice said that her hands were turning black and was afraid it would go to her heart. After a guy, from security I think, went into the Diary Room to check on Janice, she had a seizure, fell onto the floor and continued to have a seizure. Celebrity Big Brother is extremely smooth, because they cut from Janice on the floor to the audience clapping. Janice’s bumblebee medical emergency starts at around the 8:37 mark in the clip below:

Janice was taken to the hospital where she treated and released after a few hours. Sources tell TMZ Janice didn’t bring an EpiPen with her into the house and the situation became really serious and she could’ve died. Metro UK says that Janice has fully recovered and is back in the house. Before Janice almost died, she got in trouble with CBB after she pretended to spit on Austin Armacost. She apparently apologized to him.

Some viewers were pissed at Channel 5 for showing Janice freaking out. It must be refreshing to live in a bubble where you actually think that a network won’t use someone having a seizure for ratings.

When Janice was on Finland’s Next Top Model, she fell down the stairs. When Janice was on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, she was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. And now this! If Janice does another reality show, she better bring the entire cast of Trauma: Life In The ER (never forget) with her.

Gisele Bundchen Threatened To Divorce Tom Brady’s Ass

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The Summer of Splits almost ate one last marriage before it retreated back to its cave to make way for the Fall of Sex Tapes (Fingers and other parts crossed that this will happen and we’ll get a sex tape from Alexander Skarsgard, Joe ManJello, Idris Elba and Prince Hot Ginge. All together, of course.) UsWeekly says that thoughts of throwing her marriage in the dumpster have crossed Gisele Bundchen’s mind and she even paid a visit to a divorce lawyer. No word yet if she wore a burqa of disguise while doing so.

The source says that ever since Tom Brady got suspended for that DeflateGate shit, he’s been a real gaping b-hole and the two have been fighting a lot. Things have gotten so bad that Gisele met with a divorce lawyer and probably because she wanted to know how much her checking account will deflate if she legally quits her husband of 6 years. (The 100% accurate CelebrityNetWorth.com claims she’s worth $340 million and he’s worth $120 million.) I always thought that if their marriage can survive this tragedy….

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…it can survive anything, but I guess that’s not totally true. The source says that this may be the end of GisBra:

“Tom’s become very nasty and irritable and started acting out on her.”

Their spats have become so heated that Bundchen recently consulted with a divorce lawyer, says a Brady insider. “Tom thinks it’s only a threat,” says the insider. “But this is definitely a rough patch.”

Still, says the first source, “Things are very tense right now. This could be the end of them.”

You’d think that Little Tommy would know that now is not the time to act up since I’m sure he’s still grounded from letting Ben Affleck’s nanny ho wear his Super Bowl rings. Gisele needs to up the punishment, that’s all. The next time Tom throws another hissy fit tantrum, she needs to pick up the phone and tell her minions to take a sledgehammer to his slide of eternal joy. That’ll teach the brat.

And here’s Tom struttin’ out of court in NYC on Monday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Gary Busey Will Dance Dance Dance On Dancing With The Stars

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.

The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!

Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties)  is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani

I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:

And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.

Pics: Wenn.com, ABC

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Magic Nursery Pets!

Look at those cracked out messes in animal costumes and diapers. Their pupils are totally dilated because of all of the bad shit they’ve done. Wrecks! That picture should be titled: Miley Cyrus’ VMAs party – The aftermath. Miley Cyrus wishes, actually.

The Magic Nursery Pets were born in…wait for it… wait for it…. the pastel universe of the foolery that was the 1980s. They stuck around until the early 90s and I’m guessing that every last one of them were bought by ravers who stored baggies of Ecstasy in them. They were a part of the Magic Nursery line of toys, which included those Magic Nursery Baby Dolls who were genderless until you pulled off their hat to see if they had a perm (a girl) or were bald (a boy).

Magic Nursery Pets also had their own surprises. Their ears were hidden and when you pulled them out, you discovered if they were a bear, bunny, pussy or puppy. MAGIC! Ghost of the Doll has a description of them:

Each pet holds lots of different surprises! Magic disappearing vest reveals a surprise “Pet-agree” card for a Bear, Bunny, Kitty or Puppy! There are more surprises in discovering the adorable ears and tail. Pets may even turn out to be part of an extra-special litter” Each pet comes with a Magic Nursery surprise T-shirt, pet ID bracelet, and matching child-size bracelet too. The heart on each sweet pet’s nose becomes a star with the warmth of a kiss! Includes a cloth diaper, bottle, and Pet Care Book with fun activities and invitations for a Pet Show!

That description tells me one thing: The Magic Nursery Pets must have been a raver’s dream toy. A raver’s Ecstasy-powered brain probably exploded into glitter and glow stick juice when their Magic Nursery Pet’s heart birth mark became a star after kissing it.

The Magic Nursery Pets are long gone, but their impact still lives today. I mean, doesn’t that swoop bang look familiar?

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Justin Bieber, please give credit where credit is due!

Pics: Ghost Of The Dolls, Flickr

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Birthday Sluts

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The Empress of Lucite (44)
Aimee Osbourne (32)
Katt Williams (44)
Cedric “K-Ci” Hailey (46)
Camille Grammer (47)
Cynthia Watros (47)
Tamra Barney (48)
Salma Hayek (49)
Tuc Watkins (49)
Lennox Lewis (50)
Keanu Reeves (51)
Linda Purl (60)
Mark Harmon (64)
Harvey Levin (65)
Robert Shapiro (73)
Mary Jo Catlett (77)

Pic: @ShaunaSandLamas

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Night Crumbs

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The first trailer for The Danish Girl is out and it shows Eddie Redmayne as Lili Elbe, one of the first transgender women to get sex reassignment surgery. After watching the trailer, Leonardo DiCaprio called up Victoria’s Secret and placed his order for a bunch of Angels on Oscar night. Because he’s going to need to drown his sorrows in some model coochie after he loses again – Lainey Gossip 

Susan Sarandon has the sads, because her younger ping-pong mogul ex-boyfriend has gone on to gold dig an older woman – Celebitchy

So it looks like The Real Housewives of Atlanta is filling the void left by NeNe Leakes with some good old-fashioned ass whoopin’ action – Reality Tea 

Zayn Malik’s nipples are on the cover of Interview MagazineTowleroad

Also in Interview Magazine are pictures of Miley Cyrus putting her nipples on display and licking the carpet (believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism) – Drunken Stepfather

I guess Chrissy Teigen visited her coochie waxer the day of the VMAs – The Superficial 

Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud (RIP) worked that camel toe while wearing Brit Brit’s old “Oops! I Did It Again” catsuit – The Nip Slip 

I knew there was a reason (besides not wanting to do any physical activity) for why I don’t do CrossFit – Hollywood Tuna 

Canada, you must have some potent acid up there – Egotastic! 

The answer to the headline question is: Yes. – ICYDK

Josh Duggar is reportedly missing. If someone really wants to find him, I’m sure he can be found atoning for his sins on top of a hooker at the Bunny Ranch – IDLYITW

The Prostitution Whore-ah from The Real Housewives of New Jersey is engaged for the 20th time – Jezebel

Emma Stone went to Starbucks yesterday, in case you were wondering – Popoholic

Tom Cruise’s mother is supposedly missing too. Has anyone checked to see if she’s just visiting Shelly Miscavige? – Pajiba

Suddenly, I feel like I’m coming down with a fever and I need my temperature taken, anally – The Berry 

Prince Hot Ginge is a bad, bad uncle – Popsugar

And here’s the Macbeth trailer where Michael Fassbender can be seen in a kilt for about 2 seconds. He either wore underwear or he tied his peen around his thigh, because I don’t see it poking out from under his kilt – Just Jared

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