The Ashley Madison hack has already exposed Porky Pig’s child-touching cheating second cousin, an insane Christian vlogger, the executive director of the Louisiana GOP and the lead prosector in the Casey Anthony case. The hack also went from “shit got serious” to “shit got sad” when it was reported that two men in Toronto may have killed themselves because of it. Well, now the Ashley Madison hack is coming for reality tricks. Dean McDermott and Eddie Cibrian can both breathe out two giant sighs of relief, because their names haven’t come up (yet). But the names of Snooki’s husband and a husband on The Real Housewives of NYC did come up.
UsWeekly says that a paid profile on Ashley Madison was opened using the e-mail address of Jionni LaValle, the father of Snooki’s two kids and her husband of almost a year. UsWeekly didn’t spit up any other information like if Jionni was looking for a side piece who didn’t have to pour pickle juice on his wandering dick before sucking on it and knows not to touch the brows during fucking. Earlier this year, Snooki denied that Jionni cheated on her by passing his guido peen to some trick in Florida. Snooki hasn’t commented about this yet.
UPDATE: I was going to make a separate post about her denying this shit, but we really don’t need two Snooki posts in one day in the year 2015. But anyway, Snooki dribbled out a long denial on Instagram where she said that Jionni didn’t sign up for Ashley Madison and her family doesn’t really need their pristine image tarnished with such filthy accusations. Thank God, because both Snooki and Jionni are the Oompa Loompa embodiment of monogamy and honesty and if they can’t stay faithful, then nobody can.
Yesterday, The Daily Mail called out Josh Taekman as a paying member of Ashley Madison. Josh is married to Kristen Taekman who’s on The Real Housewives of New York City. Josh signed up for Ashley Madison in 2011 and for 3 years, he was charged 62 times. The Daily Mail also pulled out the receipts. The address on the credit card that was used matches the address where Josh and Kristen lived at one point. At first, Josh’s douche version of Freddy Krueger-looking ass denied that the account belonged to him. But he later changed his tune from “play stupid” to “admit it and come up with some bullshit story.” Josh gave this statement to UsWeekly:
“I signed up for the site foolishly and ignorantly with a group of friends and I deeply apologize for any embarrassment or pain I have brought to my wife and family. We both look forward to moving past this and getting on with our lives.”
Did that group of friends include Josh Duggar and a Christian vlogger?
During a drunken night with friends recently, I signed up for a Farmers Only account as a joke. (Yes, by “drunken night with friends” I mean “drunken night alone” and by “as a joke” I mean that I was really looking for a farmer to plow my fields.) So I would buy his whole “signed up with a group of friends” story if he didn’t buy shit. Apparently, anybody can sign up for an Ashley Madison account for free, but you have to buy credits to message prospective side whores. But whatever, I’m still waiting for Josh to apologize for deeply embarrassing his family and assaulting our eyes by wearing a fedora all the time.
This definitely isn’t the end. I’m sure more names will come up in the Ashley Madison hack, because I’m sure every tabloid hired a group of interns to check the e-mail of every famous type from A to Zzzzzzzz.
And here’s Snooki (whose face looks like it’s permanently frozen in that grimace expression) with a bunch of hot pieces of beef at the Chippendales show in Las Vegas over the weekend.