I was fully ready for Josh Duggar to explain his two paid Ashley Madison accounts by saying that the evil demon gays must’ve put a black magic voodoo spell on him which possessed him to sign up for that devil site. But Josh Duggar has shocked us all by calling himself a hypocrite, because while he was spewing sanctimonious shit about traditional family values, he was also looking for side ass. That rumbling coming from the clouds above is God falling out of their chair, because even they can’t believe that Josh came clean so fast.
The Duggar family released this statement on their website today:
Statement from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar:
Please see the statement below from our son Josh regarding recent media stories about him. When we learned of this late last night our hearts were broken. As we continue to place our trust in God we ask for your prayers for Josh, Anna, our grandchildren and our entire family.
Statement from Josh Duggar:
I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.
I am so ashamed of the double life that I have been living and am grieved for the hurt, pain and disgrace my sin has caused my wife and family, and most of all Jesus and all those who profess faith in Him.
I brought hurt and a reproach to my family, close friends and the fans of our show with my actions that happened when I was 14-15 years old, and now I have re-broken their trust.
The last few years, while publicly stating I was fighting against immorality in our country, I was hiding my own personal failings.
As I am learning the hard way, we have the freedom to choose to our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. I deeply regret all hurt I have caused so many by being such a bad example.
I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Please pray for my precious wife Anna and our family during this time.
UPDATE: The Duggars took down the statement and threw it back up, but left out the part about him being addicted to porn. Because Jesus will forgive you for cheating on your wife, but will not forgive you for fapping to an episode of Bang Bus.
There’s still 985 years left until the year 3000, but I think it’s safe to say that Josh Duggar declaring himself the “biggest hypocrite ever” is the understatement of the millennium.
I love how he acts like porn is the spawn of Lucifer and led him to cheat on his wife. Porn is a gateway drug to side poon. The devil known as Brazzers.come made him do it! You know, I don’t pray that often and I haven’t been to church in a million years, but I’m pretty sure that on the list of things to pray for, “Josh Duggar jacking off to porn and cheating on his wife,” is not high up on the list.
And since the noted child toucher and cheater is in the mood to apologize, he should also apologize for his OkCupid profile. Last night, Gawker also discovered an OkCupid profile that may have belonged to Josh. A few of Gawker’s readers used the e-mail that was tied to Josh’s alleged Ashley Madison account to search OkCupid. That e-mail address brought up a profile for a 27-year-old dude in Virginia using the handle “joesmithsonnwa.” Gawker says that “firstname.lastname@example.org” was Josh’s supposed login for Ashley Madison. This is the profile:
No, that is obviously not Josh Duggar. So Josh Duggar may be a bait-and-switch bitch who sends you pictures of a hot piece and when you show up to his hotel room for a hook-up, you get a homely dude who looks like a broken Chia Pet. He tells you that he hasn’t worked out for a few days and has been eating a lot of fast food. Now that is an unforgivable sin!
And what would really wrap up this schadenfreude gift is if someone discovered Josh’s Adam4Adam profile.