Because I’m a very serious journalist, I get very important up-to-the-minute news alerts sent to my phone. Stuff like whether The Deaner is still crushing it at life (“Fuckin’ yeah, I am!” hollers The Deaner from the front row of Señor Low Expectation’s Discount Strip Club) and videos of squirrels getting stuck in bird feeders. You know, the real hard-hitting news. But the EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS I woke up to this morning was about Sandra Bullock and who she’s texting winky-eye emojis to. Eh, they can’t all be front-page winners, right?
UsWeekly says that Sandy B is currently dating a photographer. But not just any photographer, mind you. He’s a “super hot” photographer. Open the windows, it just got Toni Braxton “You’re Makin’ Me High” levels of hot in here! Several loose-lipped types spilled all the details to UsWeekly about Sandy’s new man:
“He’s a photographer,” says an insider. But he’d be just as well-suited in front of the camera. “Sandra’s boyfriend is very attractive,” one source explains, while another adds, “he’s super hot but also super normal. She’s clearly happy with him.”
They also add that Sandy brought her hot photographer boyfriend to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding two weeks ago. I bet that’s how Sandy’s new boyfriend got the nickname “super hot” – anything to distinguish him from the other photographer in attendance, Creepy Uncle Terry Richardson.
Guest 1: “Sandra Bullock brought her new boyfriend. He’s the photographer.”
Guest 2: “Which one? The super hot one? Or the one who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact and asking if anyone wants to ‘catch his bouquet’?”
Guest 1: “The super hot one.”