In “How Mature Of You” News: Calvin Harris and Zayn Malik Got Into A Dramatic Twitter Fight

August 18, 2015 / Posted by:

So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.

It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.

Because it takes two attention whores to do the messy tango, Zayn started hissing back at Calvin.

Even Zayn’s old One Direction pal Louis Tomlinson got involved…except the ass he was kissing wasn’t Zayn’s. I guess someone really wants a spot in Taylor and Calvin’s Homecoming Court, because Louis hit the favorite button on Calvin’s “fuck the 99%” tweet.

Eventually, Calvin slowly slinked away from the mess he started by passive-aggressively tweeting@zaynmalik best of luck, genuinely. You’ve got a great voice.” Shade? I’m not sure. And to be honest, my brain won’t let me care.

Then he turned around and saw Taylor Swift in the doorway, down on one knee in her best Dress N’ Dazzle dress-up gown, with a ring in her hand and a twinkle in her eye, and said: “Calvin, when I saw that you started a melodramatic public feud with someone that got you tons of attention, I knew you were the one for me. Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest sugar cookie in the world and accept this ring?

Pics: Splash,

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