Human elevator fart Donald Trump still thinks he’s going to be the next President of the United States, so he spent this weekend campaigning at the Iowa State Fair. You know, kissing babies and shit. Unfortunately, no babies were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice (ie. getting within kissing distance of Donald Trump’s nasty hair pile and risk getting scratched by the pale insanity goblin that lives inside). So instead, CNN says he offered free helicopter rides to kids.
While in the helicopter, a 9-year-old kid named William asked him: “Mr. Trump, are you Batman?“. Instead of answering “I can see how you might be confused, considering I look like a Dr. Moreau-style mistake involving a yellow-winged bat and an albino manatee, but no“, he answered: “I am Batman.”
Someone needs to tell Donald Trump that my truly shitty Photoshop job above is as close as he’ll ever come to being Batman. Hell, I’m pretty sure if he went to put on a Batman costume from Party City, the costume would hiss “NOPE” and spontaneously combust. Was there ever a Batman villain whose thing was relentless word vomit and looked like a dried apricot that fell under the fridge and landed in a pile of dust and hair? If so, then he’s maybe that. But I say “maybe“, because it honestly feels too mean to compare Donald Trump to anything, even a Batman villain.
Of course, that wasn’t the only fuckery that came out of Donald Trump’s mouth hole this weekend. He also took a swipe at Heidi Klum during an interview with The New York Times. While talking about whether he’d ever tone down the Donald during his campaign – like rating women on Twitter – he said:
“Sometimes I do go a little bit far. Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”
Well, of course he’d say that; if you were to stare directly at the gorgeous vision-altering all-natural visage of Melania Trump, your perception of beauty would be warped too.
Here’s Bruce Wayne at an event in Gotham City earlier today. Damn, Alfred is looking good.