Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!
So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.
On how Kim Kardashian will be krying salty Botox tears after she discovers that she’s been replaced by a post-split Kourtney as Pimp Mama Kris’ #1: “She’s kind of my hero right now—she makes good decisions. She always puts her children first and is accepting, loving, and dedicated to her family—she doesn’t get easily ruffled. This situation has made me realize how strong she is.”
PMK then went on to add (in my mind, that is): “She really is my hero. I mean, did you see how much attention she was able to milk out of her breakup with Scott Disick? For someone like Kourtney, who is arguably the most boring of all my daughters, to get that kind of attention without leaking a sex tape. It’s truly inspiring. I’d wipe away a tear, but a surgeon welded my tear ducts shut years ago.”
She also hissed at the haters and gave a brief little shout-out to her ex, Caitlyn Jenner. But just a little one, because Dark Lord Satan knows it would kill Kris Jenner to remove the focus from her family of earners for longer than three seconds.
On Caitlyn Jenner: “I just want everyone that I love in my family and in my life to be happy, and so my wish for Caitlyn is that she finds her joy.”
On Kris Jenner being a kooky, wacky nut: “People just don’t get what a goofball I am.”
On how she’s totally not pimping out her family on television for money, you guys: “I am living my dream because I get to work with my kids and watch them find their happiness. It’s so rewarding— we brainstorm around a conference table and have a really great time doing it.”
On all the internet ~haters~ that aren’t on Team Overexposed Hookers: “I worry about my grandchildren because the Internet can be brutal. What makes someone so evil and angry that they would say the cruelest things about another human being? I raised my kids kind of old-fashioned—if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it at all. I teach love, acceptance, and tolerance. People hide behind ‘freedom of speech.’ That’s what you are going to hide behind? I sometimes think that this generation is lacking in decency. I’m strong enough and have a pretty thick skin, but when people go after my kids, I just hit block-delete, block-delete. It’s my mantra.”
On Kris Jenner’s motto: “First God, then family, then everything else.”
Haute Living made an editing mistake with that last one. I believe it should read “First G.O.D. (Get Oodles of Dollars), then family (the ones that get dollars, of course), then everything else.” Speaking of dollars, here’s a frozen in the face PMK serving up some mid-90s Spiegel catalog realness in Haute Living.
Pics: Haute Living