Note to Tan Mom, George Hamilton and John Boehner: Pull your crispy bodies off of the broiling bed, get on your knees and worship your new leader who really knows how to look like the sun jacked off into his face.
In the highly entertaining documentary Valentino: The Last Emperor, there’s a scene where his partner Giancarlo Giammetti tells him to lay off the bronzer a little. Valentino obviously didn’t listen to that stupid advice, because at something called the Flower Power Pacha Party in Ibiza on Tuesday night, he showed up looking like an Oompa Loompa in black face. After that picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s porcelain skin turned as red as a dog’s lipstick, because standing that close to Valentino without wearing a protective suit and mask will cause you to burn right up. You can see the ends of Anne’s hair slowly fry from being that close to the piping hot mahogany wonder.
Valentino looks like a suckling pig at a luau who rolled off of the platter without anybody noticing, knocked a guest out by hitting them over the head with an apple, stole their outfit, put it on and then walked right on out. Valentino does look like he’d taste delicious with a side of fries, coleslaw and beans. (No Hannibal here.)
Valentino should be careful, though. He has a bunch of adorable pugs. One of them may mistake him for a bully stick and chew on him. But other than that, keep on bringing the deep fried bronzer beauty, Valentino.
Here’s more pictures of Valentino and Giancarlo both looking like they regularly use Honest Company sunscreen. I also threw in pictures of Anne Hathaway doing the anti-Valentino by protecting her skin from those UV rays while hanging out on a yacht with her husband.