Beyonce Works The “Drowned Rich Lady” Look On The Cover Of Vogue’s September Issue

August 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Beyonce and that wet look…. It’s like parsley on an entree. Nobody wants it or asks for it, but she’s going to keep giving it to you.

Beyonce took one of her wigs, ran it under the faucet, flopped it on her head and said to Mario Testino, “Take my picture like this, bitch, and watch Anna Wintour STILL put it on the September cover even though I look like I just got out of the shower.” Now every hopelessly devoted member of the BeyHive is going to dip their hands into the jar of cooking grease their abuelita keeps under the kitchen sink and smear it all over their hair so they too can look like a wet Lhasa Apso is lounging on their head.

Never mind that Beyonce looks uncomfortable on that cover and like she’s got itchy butt and can’t wait to soothe it by rubbing up against that chair, Vogue released quotes from her cover profile and none of them came from her mouth. Who knows if she was even interviewed? I’d like to think that she wasn’t. Why would Beyonce strain her jaw muscles by talking about herself when some of her disciples can do the talking for her? They laid it on thicker than that leave-in conditioner on Beyonce’s hair:

“The word diva is used for so many female performers, and it often means they have reputations for being difficult, but she exudes charm and a lovable quality.” – Marc Jacobs

Beyoncé is a powerhouse. She can sneer. She can out-strut and stare down any man in the film frame. Call her, in the songs, She Who Must Be Obeyed—in the palace, in the bedroom, in the hood, on the road, and on the runway.

Her appeal crosses art forms, genders, and generations.” — Stella McCartney

Beyonce’s going to save a lot of money on lotion made out of blended unicorn placenta, because Vogue kept her ass moisturized by licking every inch of it several times.

Vogue also released a HIGH ART video from the shoot that looks like the kind of warped VHS tape footage that plays during an episode of 48 Hours about a high-profile murder case:

Beyonce IS killing the BumbleBeys with this shoot, I’m sure, so that video is fitting.

Pics: Vogue

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