Anthony Bourdain is known for regularly sprinkling salt on the b-holes of TV cooks by talking trash about them and on his recent national tour, he had some words to say about the least popular Garbage Pail Kid Guy Fieri and Adam Richman of Man v. Food. Anthony had nice things to say about Ina Garten, but wondered how does Guy Fieri de-douche (answer: he doesn’t) and said that Adam Richman’s show confirms that ‘Muricans are fat lazies. Anthony Bourdain didn’t specifically talk trash about Food Network’s Alton Brown, but People still asked him for this thoughts on Anthony’s words during an interview to promote his new show Camp Cutthroat.
Alton basically said in so many words that Anthony shouldn’t look down at TV chefs, because he hasn’t been seen cooking up anything (except for a bowl of shit talking stew) in ages.
“I don’t have to defend my skills against anybody. I’ve got 14 years and 252 episodes of a show called Good Eats that I’m pretty sure I can use as a résumé for my skills. When was the last time you saw Anthony Bourdain actually cook anything? I’ve spent 14 years cooking my own food on television and I’ve never seen him cook a meal.”
Just when Alton was getting started, he had to go all nice (BOOO!) and follow that up by blowing an air kiss at Anthony Bourdain:
“I will say this: I think that [he] is probably the best writer about food. I’m jealous of his work. He pokes a lot of things and that’s fine; you have to have critics, issue provocateurs, so to speak […] I’m a fan, and the few times I’ve gotten to work with him I enjoyed it immensely.”
If you pulled out a bag of marshmallows thinking that you were going to roast them on the fiery flames of hate that Anthony would spit out over what Alton said, put that bag away. It didn’t happen. Anthony blew an air kiss right back at Alton:
I have zero beef with @altonbrown . Smartest stuff on FN and a hero to my daughter
— Anthony Bourdain (@Bourdain) August 12, 2015
That beef wasn’t even medium rare.
This is not how it’s supposed to go down. Alton is supposed to call Anthony a piece of shit hack and then Anthony is supposed to challenge Alton to a cooking fight. Then they’re supposed to go into the Iron Chef America kitchen and battle it out. Anthony is supposed to immediately play dirty by throwing oil at Alton and Alton is supposed to retaliate by spraying Anthony with whipped cream. Then they’re supposed to grab each other, rip each other’s clothes off, fall to the ground and roll around naked in that puddle of oil and whipped cream and….. I can’t believe I’ve turned this into gay porn fanfic starring Alton Brown and Anthony Bourdain. Good lord, I need help.