Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Agnes Fenton, the fountain of wisdom who squirted out the wisest of wise advice on her 110th birthday.

Agnes Fenton of Englewood, NJ did something most hos on earth will never do: she made it to her 110th year of life. Agnes doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, but she’s as modest as she is wise, because she’s a supercentenarian now and there’s only 300 to 600 of them in the world. The Record asked Agnes what the key to beating most bitches in the age game is and she pretty much said the same thing that my favorite medical advisor Pauline Spagnola said on her 100th birthday. Agnes said that the nectar of longevity is found in a can of Miller High Life and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Fuck Dr. Oz, because that is some real medical advice that obviously works and I should get started on Agnes’ wellness plan by adding a shot of Johnnie Walker to my cup of coffee.

On her 105th birthday, Agnes said that her only real health problem was a benign tumor that was removed a million years ago. Her doctor at the time told her to drink three Miller High Lifes every single day. (Um, I don’t think that doctor is still around, but if he is, can I get his number and make an appointment with him immediately?) So for the past 70 years, she has guzzled down three Miller High Lifes and a shot of Johnnie Walker every single day.

Recently, Agnes’ caretakers haven’t let her have her daily medicine, which is just wrong since they are going against doctor’s orders. But Agnes gets one in every now and again. She also thanks God for her loooooooooong life:

“When I was 100 years old, I went to the mirror to thank God that I was still here. And I thank him every morning. He gave me a long life and a good life, and I have nothing to complain about. … You’ve got to have God in your life. Without God, you’ve got nothing.”

Well, without God, you’ve got the champagne of beers and scotch. No, that’s not true. Without God, we wouldn’t have the sweet nectar, because I’m sure God gave us Miller High Life and Johnnie Walker to get through this life.

In my HSOTD post yesterday, I said that the officer who rescued that baby skunk from a yogurt cup torture device should be our next Secretary of Defense. Well, I think we found our new Surgeon General too!

(For Suck and Fuck)

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