Archives: August 2015

SeaWorld’s Brand Is Hurting Even More Thanks To Harry Styles

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:

The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.

Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.

SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.

First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.


Blame Taylor Swift For This

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It seems like Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer have been friends for about six minutes, but I’m sure they have already made each other friendship bracelets in a dozens of colors and played at least 5 games of Dream Phone during a slumber party. They went on vacation together and are co-writing a movie. And last night, the BESTEST FWENDS IN DA WORLD danced onstage to “Uptown Girl” at Billy Joel’s show. Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She just threw the matching virgin blood vial pendants she made for herself and Jennifer Lawrence into the incinerator. PMK thought they were best friends.

Billy played Wrigley Field in Chicago last night and when he busted out “Uptown Girl,” Amy Schumer came out and did the dance she does in Trainwreck. A quick second later, Jennifer Lawrence joined her and they danced before getting on top of the piano.

This whole “Please Welcome To The Stage” bit is totally a thing now and everyone is going to do it. I just hope it all leads to the ultimate “Please Welcome To The Stage.” I hope that during her show at a county fair, Stacey Q will say the words, “Please welcome to the stage, my biggest fan KIMMY GIBBLER!That would be the only good thing to come out of this new trend.

And at first I thought that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer make sense as best friends and are perfect for each other. But then I changed my mind when I saw this video (WARNING: Pull out the Pepto-Bismol if the sight of foot love gives you the heaves.)

Amy Schumer isn’t Jennifer Lawrence’s soulmate, Quentin Tarantino is! QT, come and get your foot-loving soul sister.

Pic: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Went On A Naked Rampage After A Wedding In Italy

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.

Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.

The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’sThe Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)

A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.

Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.

P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.

Pic: Instagram


Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Glorianna Galicia, the mysterious chanteuse who takes you on an international journey of glamour, intrigue and thrill in her video for “Bond Girl.

The producers of the next James Bond movie Spectre have yet to announce any details about the movie’s theme song. Well, they should go ahead and throw their planned song in the trash. Because I’m sure that theme song has nothing on GG’s musical masterpiece “Bond Girl.” This MUST be the next Bond theme song.

The mystifying nightingale and trans beauty gracefully coos out a hypnotic tune about being a Bond Girl. And in the video, she does things with a green screen that have never been done before. The video has magic (see: the yellow towel appearing out of nowhere at the 0:24 mark), action (see: whatever is happening at the 2:28 mark), drama (see: her delivering a multi-layered performance while texting an important message to an operative at the 2:07 mark) and glamour (see: all of it). GG is also an impeccable actress. When she throws looks over yonder, you don’t know if she’s eyeing a figure in the shadows or if she’s admiring her own beauty in a mirror. Take it all in:

GG is our Bond Girl! GG is also my future screensaver. I really need to make a GIF screensaver of her pressing pause on a gunfight with the air to adjust her wig (at the 2:29 mark). A real Bond girl knows that beauty always comes first.

(For Andrew)


Birthday Sluts

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Shania Twain (50)
Kyle Massey (24)
Andreja Pejić (24)
Cassadee Pope (26)
Armie Hammer (29)
Florence Welch (29)
Tanisha Thomas (30)
Sarah Roemer (31)
LeAnn Rimes (33)
Carly Pope (35)
Todd Eldredge (44)
Jack Black (46)
Jason Priestley (46)
Billy Boyd (47)
David Fincher (53)
Jennifer Coolidge (54)
Emma Samms (55)
Scott Hamilton (57)
Luis Guzmán (59)

Pic: Fanpop


Night Crumbs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how Joanna Krupa of The Real Housewives of Miami (RIP) is suing Brandi Glanville, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, for saying that her pussy stinks like fermented herring sitting in an un-air conditioned subway car in the middle of August? Well, Brandi’s lawyers want Joanna to prove that her cooch doesn’t stink. Every lady justice statue must be crying out a single tear of pride today, because cases like this is why the legal system was created.  Reality Tea 

“How to break into the AFI Fest undetected” is what every Brangeloonie is Googling today since Brangelina’s By The Sea will open the festival – Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris fell asleep at a party and I’m really disappointed that nobody took the chance to destroy her by throwing a bucket of holy water on her – Drunken Stepfather

Ralph Lauren’s daughter (the one with the candy stores) used a surrogate to carry her babies, because she was too busy traveling the world and being the candy mogul she is – Celebitchy

Nick Cannon has a lot of shoes – WWTDD

I would say that Rita Ora and Miley Cyrus must share stylists, but I don’t know if Rita Ora can afford a stylist – The Superficial 

One of the Teen Wolf dudes went skateboarding in his chonies, because that’s what you gotta do for Instagram likes these days – Towleroad

And here’s some pictures to add to your “Hilary Duff Walking While Wearing Leggings” Tumblr – IDLYITW

FYI: Daniel Craig’s hangover cure is Pedialyte. Nice tip, Bond, but that doesn’t work for me. Although, maybe it’ll work for me if I drink it off of Daniel Craig’s body – Pajiba

Here’s Vanessa Hudgens dressed like a 6th grader on summer vacation in 1986 – Popoholic

John Oliver is back to show us Americans how great we are at geography – Hollywood Tuna 

If Donald Trump becomes President, this country may as well go full fuckery by having Charlie Sheen as our Vice President – SOW

The estate of the woman killed in the crash involving Caitlyn Jenner is being sued – Jezebel

I’m not sure if this dog really loves being in a hot tub or if he’s being cooked – The Berry 

Caitlyn Jenner is ready to date a man – Just Jared

Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are over for real and he’s moved on to a new piece – ICYDK

Lucy Liu had a baby friend via surrogate and she named him Rockwell. So she’s either a fan of Sam Rockwell, Norman Rockwell or she really wants her son’s first words to be “somebody’s watching me” – Popsugar

Pic: Splash


Miley Cyrus Has Some Thoughts About Nicki Minaj’s VMAs Tweets

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.

When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…

When All Else Fails, Bust Out Those Moves

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

In L.A., car chases are a haypenny a dozen, so you really have to bring the fuckery hard to get your 15 seconds of infamy on the local news. This suspected car thief might have known that, because at the end of a car chase with police, she danced like the cameras were watching and like she didn’t have a care in the world (including getting tased or shot).

ABC 7 (via Uproxx) says that the Dancing Queen of the Streets allegedly stole a car and led police on a crazy chase through Downtown L.A. She ran red lights, weaved through traffic and was finally stopped when she ran over a spike strip. But instead of surrendering to the cops, the real-life Tammy got out of the car and gave the police a show by serving up a few moves to Future’sWhere Ya At?” She got back in the car and I’m guessing she was going to change the song and give the police a new flavor. The police didn’t want an encore, because they swarmed the car, pulled her out and arrested her. Way to stop the party, cops.

When I first saw her face, I thought that Isabella Cruise finally had enough of that Scientology shit and snapped.

In case it wasn’t already obvious to you, Future’s future back-up dancer was believed to have been under the influence of something. Yeah, under the influence of LIFE and Future!

I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Ellen DeGeneres will bring her on Ellen where Future will surprise her and she’ll get keys to her brand new 2016 Ford Focus!

GASP: Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Dress Was Off-The-Rack And Her Veil Came From J.Crew

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been over three weeks since Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux and not one picture of her wedding outfit has been released or “accidentally leaked.” Now we know why. Jennifer Aniston’s dress wasn’t an $80,000 custom couture gown and her veil had a J.Crew label on it. She’s obviously embarrassed! “Is bitch going poor? I should slip her a few hundreds during the money dance” is what guests said as she walked down the aisle in an off-the-rack wedding dress. It’s a good thing Goopy Paltrow wasn’t there. She would’ve fainted in her chair and her handmaiden doesn’t usually travel with a Baccarat crystal bottle full of artisanal smelling salts.

An Aniston “insider” tells UsWeekly that Jennifer bought her dress at a store and it didn’t cost the price of a new car.

The Friends alum, 46, who’s graced the most glorious red carpets wearing luxurious styles by Versace, John Galliano, and Saint Laurent, topped her knee-length frock with a veil from the popular chain store (whose veils typically sell for about $200).

Plus, the little white dress in question wasn’t super high-end, either. “Jen bought her dress at a store,” an Aniston insider shared. “It wasn’t thousands of dollars.”

Again, she bought her dress at a store. Who buys their wedding dress at a store?! Only poors, obviously. I can just picture the sad, sad scene. Jennifer walked into the store with dirt all over her face, picked out a dress and tried to pay for it using wooden coins, knocked-out silver fillings and a watch she swiped from a dude sleeping next to her on the bus. Will somebody please tell Jennifer’s agent to get her more endorsements, because she obviously doesn’t have enough of those if she’s buying a dress from a store. A store!

Here’s Jennifer shooting one of Gary Marshall’sDay” movies in Atlanta. He’s done Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve Day and now he’s doing Mother’s Day. Will he stop fooling around and give the people what they really want, which are movies about National Dog Day and International Penis Appreciation Day. By the way, these pictures were taken before the important news about Aniston wearing an off-the-rack wedding dress broke. She’s obviously in hiding now and refuses to show her face in public.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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