Archives: August 2015

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgard In Full Drag

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures  dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.

ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.

And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.

Pics: Getty

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For August 3rd!

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Dildo: “You’re looking for ‘Alcoholics’ Anonymous, dude. This is ‘Assaholics’.” – Texndoc

Upvote winner:

Uhh . . . You cum here often?” – Angel 2009

Just in case a picture of a dildo is not safe for your work, I’ve put the uncensored pic after the cut. (“Okay, but you don’t pixelate pictures of that dildo Donald Trump.” – you)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Officer Merlin Taylor, the cop from Rochester, MI who bravely saved a baby skunk from suffocating to death in a yogurt cup!

I know the Medal of Honor is only given to people in the military, but President Obama needs to break the rules and give it to Officer Merlin Taylor who climbed to the highest levels of bravery when he pulled a yogurt cup off of a baby skunk’s head. The Detroit News says that on Sunday morning, Officer Merlin got a call to help out a trick in distress and when he arrived, he found the baby skunk doing an impression of your drunk ass on a Friday night. Baby skunk was confused, naked and stumbling around the streets.

While his dashboard cam captured this amazingly heroic act, Officer Merlin approached the baby skunk and quickly pulled the yogurt cup off before busting out of there because he wasn’t about to spend the rest of his day killing the stink in a hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and laundry soap bath . You’d think that the baby skunk would thank Officer Merlin for saving its life! But instead of doing that, the ungrateful skunk tried to spray him. Those youngins have no damn manners. Luckily for Officer Merlin, the baby skunk was too young to spray.

This shit is missing the Benny Hill theme song.

That baby skunk may have looked a little pissed off and freaked out, but I’m sure it was grateful in its heart. And in a few years when it’s walking through the park with its family and sees Officer Merlin running around in circles with a water cooler stuck on his head, I’m sure they’ll help his ass out.

This isn’t the first time that Officer Merlin has saved a tiny animal friend. A few years ago, he saved ducklings that fell into a sewer grate. So the only question I have for all presidential candidates is, “If you win this mess, you’re going to make Officer Merlin Secretary of Defense, right?

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Birthday Sluts

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Billy Bob Thornton (60)
Jessica Sanchez (20)
Cole Sprouse (23)
Dylan Sprouse (23)
River Viiperi (24)
Tom Parker (27)
Crystal Bowersox (30)
Greta Gerwig (32)
Marques Houston (34)
Kym Johnson (39)
Jeff Gordon (44)
John August (45)
Daniel Dae Kim (47)
Crystal Chappell (50)
Marcus Schenkenberg (47)
James Tupper (50)
Anna Sui (51)
Roger Clemens (53)
President Barack Obama (54)
Michael Gelman (54)
Lauren Tom (54)
Richard Belzer (71)

Pic: Splash

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While Everybody Gets Divorced, Zooey Deschanel Gets Married

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And had a baby!

Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.

Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.

Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.

That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one.  Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.

Pic: Wenn.com

Everybody Is Getting Divorced And That Includes Gwen Stefani And Gavin Rossdale

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

If you just saw a bolt of lighting with black 2009 Bieber hair run on by you while screaming, “We can now be together, Gaviiiiiiin,” don’t worry. It’s just Peter Robinson (aka Marilyn) going to get his man.

This summer has been like Christmas on steroids to divorce lawyers in Hollywood, because everyone has decided to throw their marriage into a shallow grave. Even Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, which I didn’t see coming even with all the blind items about their asses. TMZ says that Gwen has filed papers to legally end her 13-year-marriage to Gavin. In the divorce papers, Gwen said that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to end their marriage and she’s asking for joint custody of 9-year-old Kingston, 6-year-old Zuma Nesta and a 1-year-old Apollo. Those of us who are fans of crazy celebrity baby names are shedding tears, because think of what Gwen and Gavin would’ve named their fourth child.

Gavin obviously saw the divorce coming and agrees with it. His lawyer Laura Wasser (aka the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood) filed his response at the same time that Gwen filed for divorce. TMZ’s sources say that Gwen and Gavin didn’t sign a prenup when they got married, so they’ll probably split everything 50/50. She’s apparently worth $80 million while he’s worth $35 million. Gwen doesn’t want to pay Gavin spousal support.

Gwen and Gavin released the statement that all married celebrity parents release when they file for divorce:

“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment. To that end, we respectfully request privacy from the media during this time.”

First Blake Shelton gets a divorce and now Gwen Stefani! It’s THE CURSE of The Voice! Adam Levine has been married for a little over a year and that’s 11 months longer than I thought he’d be married. So if he wants out, he just found an out. “Behati, it’s over between us. Blame it on The Voice curse…and my peen’s appetite for new cooch.”

And does this mean that Gwen is going to write and record Tragic Kingdom: The Sequel?

Here’s Gwen a few days ago leaving Whole Foods with two of her sons after spending half of her net worth there, I’m sure.

Pics: Splash, Getty

Night Crumbs

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Reba McEntire and her husband/manager Narvel Blackstock are over and are getting a divorce after being married for 26 years. No celebrity union is safe from the marriage grim reaper this summer. QUICK! Everyone drop everything and form a prayer circle around Coco and Ice-T – HuffPo

John Mayer and Katy Perry are back together. And I’m sure that in the 6 seconds it took me to type that last sentence, they broke up and got back together 4 more times – Lainey Gossip

Goopy Paltrow claims she didn’t even write “conscious uncoupling.” Yeah, sure, Goopy  – Celebitchy

Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out got fired from Living Spaces for being Jeff Lewis – Reality Tea 

You can tell Jimmy Kimmel to pull himself off of the bathroom floor now, because Cecil the Lion’s brother wasn’t killed – WWTDD 

Gigi Hadid is in W MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Amy Schumer is fighting for stricter gun control because of the shooting during a showing of Trainwreck. And on another note, why didn’t I know that Chuck Schumer is her cousin?! – The Superficial 

Hilary Duff was papped walking again, which is good news for you, because now you’ll be able to sleep through the night – The Nip Slip 

Here’s something for your Ruby Rose fap file – Egotastic

Lenny Kravitz looks hot, even when he’s making a “just inhaled the scent of dirty ass” face – Tom + Lorenzo

I’ve been to that In-N-Out in Downey, CA and I don’t remember seeing a meth shake on the menu. Ugh, it’s probably on the secret menu. Dumb me! – Jezebel

Demi Lovato delivers an A+++ eyebrow game on the cover of CosmopolitanPopoholic

Emily Ratatouille does British GQHollywood Tuna 

Leslie Jordan doesn’t think he’s a hero for spilling the tea, literally, on a homophobe – Towleroad

Move your leg, kid, I need to see if Gisele Bundchen’s chichis look more lifted or not! – Popsugar

Some Atlanta shock jock decided to troll Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara and probably because he saw all the attention that Good Day Sacramento got – Pajiba

A tabloid paid $100,000 for a photo of Bobbi Kristina Brown in her casket. I’m disappointed that Second Cousin Dionne Warwick wasn’t standing by the casket ready to slap a whore the minute they pulled a cell phone out – The Wrap 

Pic: Wenn.com

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Kim Kartrashian’s Koffee Table Book Flopped

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.

A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.

That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)

What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.

It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!

Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, INFPhoto.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Shirtless Stephen Amell And A Shirtless Jared Padalecki

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephen Amell of Arrow and Jared PatAndLickMe of Supernatural got topless this past weekend to raise straight lady clits and gay dicks. They also did it to raise awareness for Jared’s charity campaign Always Keep Fighting, which supports people struggling with depression. Well, Stephen Amell’s nipples do have the power to bring some of us out of the sads for a minute, so I’m sure it’s working.

Always Keep Fighting is selling t-shirts and I guess Jared knows that there’s no better way to promote that shit than to get topless with the Green Arrow. They posted these pictures on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and added the note:

Stephen Amell and I lost our shirts frown emoticon Maybe we should grab one from the represent.com/Jared relaunch!!! Only 2 days!!!!

I cannot wait to see the picture they post when Always Keep Fighting starts selling chonies.

optoplessforacause2

Pics: @jarpad, @amelladventures

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Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Are Possibly Getting A Divorce: Take 4,591,987

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Now that the tabloids have successfully called the end of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage (hey, it only took them 5 years and 498 covers stories to do so), they can go back to focusing on the demise of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 17-year-old union. Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year, but Radar says that it’s definitely happening this time. I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.

Radar’s source says that Will and Jada’s marriage has been on its death bed for a while, but whenever they’re out in public, they act like they’re still hungry for each other’s genitals. They’re apparently tired of pretending like their circle of infinite love is still intact, so they’ve decided to end it for once and for all. They’ve already told their kids and plan to tell everyone else at the end of the summer. The source put it like this:

“For Will and Jada, holding it together these past few years has been tough because their marriage has been on life support for a long time. They’re exhausted from trying to maintain the façade of a happy union. They’ve decided to pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner, [and] agree announcing their split at the end of the summer is the right move.

[They have already] worked out a confidential settlement to protect their $240 million fortune, and prepared their kids [son Jaden, 17, and daughter Willow, 14] for the fallout.”

Meanwhile, Gossip Cop says Radar’s story is lies wrapped in fallacies. (UPDATE: Will Smith also spit at the divorce rumors on Facebook.)

If this is true, then I have a few questions. Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?! How many of their alleged side whores will sell a story about their open marriage to the tabloids? And more importantly, how will we overwork our eye rolling muscle if Will and Jada are over and she can no longer go on about how her pussy turns into a strung out crackhead with the shakes if it doesn’t get at least one daily injection from her husband’s dick?

Pic: Wenn.com

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