Sweden is giving us all the gifts today. They gave us Alexander Skarsgard in glorious drag and now they’re giving us Lenny Kravitz’s dick. May Sweden bless us all the way by making it rain Absolut Vodka on all of us.
While performing at the Gröna Lund theme park in Stockholm on Monday, Lenny Kravitz got so into it that when he squatted down, his leather pants tore open and out flopped his soft dick. Surprisingly, after noticing that his dick was open to audience, Lenny didn’t hand his guitar over to his peen and let it play while he went to fetch some new pants. Lenny left the stage for a minute to change.
Oh, thank you to whoever decided that us humans should have knees which give us the ability to squat. Thank you to Lenny’s stylist for giving him too-tight leather pants. Thank you to the makers of those leather pants for not making them indestructible. Thank you to them all.
Us perverted whores who have a file on our desktop marked “celeb noodz,” know what Lenny’s pierced goods look like since he’s (NSFW) posed nude before, but why not catch up with his peen again. After the cut is a NSFW picture of Lenny’s dick saying hello to the crowd (just ignore the angry bunny face he’s making):
I don’t know if that Pom is pissed at the paps for taking unflattering pictures or if that Pom knows that Gavin screwed the nanny and refuses to look at his cheating slut ass.
Screw the sheep. 2015 is really the year of the nanny cooch. First Ben Affleck gets accused of doing the nanny and now Gavin Rossdale. UsWeekly says that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage has been over for a long time. They’re doing their divorce Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert-style. They worked out the details of their divorce months ago, because they want the process to be quick and easy. A source says that Gwen and Gavin’s 13-year-marriage was lying in the gutter before she had their youngest child, 1-year-old Apollo, and they were hoping a new baby would fill the cracks in their marriage. That didn’t happen, obviously, so they decided to call it a day on their marriage.
TMZ’s source echoes UsWeekly’s story, but also claims that Gwen had the urge to bust a “smell yo dick” on Gavin, because she believed that his peen had made its way into side piece ass. Throughout the years, there’s been rumors and blind items about how Gavin screwed around on Gwen. Gwen apparently hated that Gavin spent a lot of time on the road with Bush and he felt that was hypocritical of her since she tours too. Radar has also jumped in and says that Gwen suspected that Gavin cheated on her and specifically, she believes that he boned the nanny, who is a woman.
Just a couple of weeks ago, Kim Richards, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, told Entertainment Tonight that she loves being sober and her time in rehab really helped her get right back on the wagon. Well, it looks like the wagon crashed into a Target causing Kim to fly off and land into a pair of handcuffs. TMZ says that Kim was arrested over the weekend after she was accused of stealing $600 worth of stuff from a Target in the Valley. If you’re picturing Kim trying to sneak out of Target with a cartload of booze, her ex-husband Monty wants you to pop that thought bubble right away. Monty tells ET that it’s obviously a big misunderstanding. Monty says that alcohol didn’t play a part in Kim’s alleged theft and her shopping cart was filled with toys.
Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.
ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.
And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.
Dildo: “You’re looking for ‘Alcoholics’ Anonymous, dude. This is ‘Assaholics’.” – Texndoc
“Uhh . . . You cum here often?” – Angel 2009
Just in case a picture of a dildo is not safe for your work, I’ve put the uncensored pic after the cut. (“Okay, but you don’t pixelate pictures of that dildo Donald Trump.” – you)
Officer Merlin Taylor, the cop from Rochester, MI who bravely saved a baby skunk from suffocating to death in a yogurt cup!
I know the Medal of Honor is only given to people in the military, but President Obama needs to break the rules and give it to Officer Merlin Taylor who climbed to the highest levels of bravery when he pulled a yogurt cup off of a baby skunk’s head. The Detroit News says that on Sunday morning, Officer Merlin got a call to help out a trick in distress and when he arrived, he found the baby skunk doing an impression of your drunk ass on a Friday night. Baby skunk was confused, naked and stumbling around the streets.
While his dashboard cam captured this amazingly heroic act, Officer Merlin approached the baby skunk and quickly pulled the yogurt cup off before busting out of there because he wasn’t about to spend the rest of his day killing the stink in a hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and laundry soap bath . You’d think that the baby skunk would thank Officer Merlin for saving its life! But instead of doing that, the ungrateful skunk tried to spray him. Those youngins have no damn manners. Luckily for Officer Merlin, the baby skunk was too young to spray.
This shit is missing the Benny Hill theme song.
That baby skunk may have looked a little pissed off and freaked out, but I’m sure it was grateful in its heart. And in a few years when it’s walking through the park with its family and sees Officer Merlin running around in circles with a water cooler stuck on his head, I’m sure they’ll help his ass out.
This isn’t the first time that Officer Merlin has saved a tiny animal friend. A few years ago, he saved ducklings that fell into a sewer grate. So the only question I have for all presidential candidates is, “If you win this mess, you’re going to make Officer Merlin Secretary of Defense, right?“
Billy Bob Thornton (60)
Jessica Sanchez (20)
Cole Sprouse (23)
Dylan Sprouse (23)
River Viiperi (24)
Tom Parker (27)
Crystal Bowersox (30)
Greta Gerwig (32)
Marques Houston (34)
Kym Johnson (39)
Jeff Gordon (44)
John August (45)
Daniel Dae Kim (47)
Crystal Chappell (50)
Marcus Schenkenberg (47)
James Tupper (50)
Anna Sui (51)
Roger Clemens (53)
President Barack Obama (54)
Michael Gelman (54)
Lauren Tom (54)
Richard Belzer (71)
And had a baby!
Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.
Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.
Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.
That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one. Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.
If you just saw a bolt of lighting with black 2009 Bieber hair run on by you while screaming, “We can now be together, Gaviiiiiiin,” don’t worry. It’s just Peter Robinson (aka Marilyn) going to get his man.
This summer has been like Christmas on steroids to divorce lawyers in Hollywood, because everyone has decided to throw their marriage into a shallow grave. Even Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, which I didn’t see coming even with all the blind items about their asses. TMZ says that Gwen has filed papers to legally end her 13-year-marriage to Gavin. In the divorce papers, Gwen said that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to end their marriage and she’s asking for joint custody of 9-year-old Kingston, 6-year-old Zuma Nesta and a 1-year-old Apollo. Those of us who are fans of crazy celebrity baby names are shedding tears, because think of what Gwen and Gavin would’ve named their fourth child.
Gavin obviously saw the divorce coming and agrees with it. His lawyer Laura Wasser (aka the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood) filed his response at the same time that Gwen filed for divorce. TMZ’s sources say that Gwen and Gavin didn’t sign a prenup when they got married, so they’ll probably split everything 50/50. She’s apparently worth $80 million while he’s worth $35 million. Gwen doesn’t want to pay Gavin spousal support.
Gwen and Gavin released the statement that all married celebrity parents release when they file for divorce:
“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment. To that end, we respectfully request privacy from the media during this time.”
First Blake Shelton gets a divorce and now Gwen Stefani! It’s THE CURSE of The Voice! Adam Levine has been married for a little over a year and that’s 11 months longer than I thought he’d be married. So if he wants out, he just found an out. “Behati, it’s over between us. Blame it on The Voice curse…and my peen’s appetite for new cooch.”
And does this mean that Gwen is going to write and record Tragic Kingdom: The Sequel?
Here’s Gwen a few days ago leaving Whole Foods with two of her sons after spending half of her net worth there, I’m sure.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Reba McEntire and her husband/manager Narvel Blackstock are over and are getting a divorce after being married for 26 years. No celebrity union is safe from the marriage grim reaper this summer. QUICK! Everyone drop everything and form a prayer circle around Coco and Ice-T – HuffPo
John Mayer and Katy Perry are back together. And I’m sure that in the 6 seconds it took me to type that last sentence, they broke up and got back together 4 more times – Lainey Gossip
Goopy Paltrow claims she didn’t even write “conscious uncoupling.” Yeah, sure, Goopy – Celebitchy
Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out got fired from Living Spaces for being Jeff Lewis – Reality Tea
You can tell Jimmy Kimmel to pull himself off of the bathroom floor now, because Cecil the Lion’s brother wasn’t killed – WWTDD
Gigi Hadid is in W Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Amy Schumer is fighting for stricter gun control because of the shooting during a showing of Trainwreck. And on another note, why didn’t I know that Chuck Schumer is her cousin?! – The Superficial
Hilary Duff was papped walking again, which is good news for you, because now you’ll be able to sleep through the night – The Nip Slip
Here’s something for your Ruby Rose fap file – Egotastic
Lenny Kravitz looks hot, even when he’s making a “just inhaled the scent of dirty ass” face – Tom + Lorenzo
I’ve been to that In-N-Out in Downey, CA and I don’t remember seeing a meth shake on the menu. Ugh, it’s probably on the secret menu. Dumb me! – Jezebel
Demi Lovato delivers an A+++ eyebrow game on the cover of Cosmopolitan – Popoholic
Emily Ratatouille does British GQ – Hollywood Tuna
Leslie Jordan doesn’t think he’s a hero for spilling the tea, literally, on a homophobe – Towleroad
Move your leg, kid, I need to see if Gisele Bundchen’s chichis look more lifted or not! – Popsugar
Some Atlanta shock jock decided to troll Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara and probably because he saw all the attention that Good Day Sacramento got – Pajiba
A tabloid paid $100,000 for a photo of Bobbi Kristina Brown in her casket. I’m disappointed that Second Cousin Dionne Warwick wasn’t standing by the casket ready to slap a whore the minute they pulled a cell phone out – The Wrap