Archives: August 2015

Leave It To Z LaLa To Bring The Magical Glamour To The VMAs

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.

Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.

Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.

And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:


Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.

And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.


Some People Aren’t Happy About Rebel Wilson’s Police Joke

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

And now in “You might want to avoid the internet for a while” news, some of the internet is apparently very upset that Rebel Wilson made a joke about the police while presenting the award for Best Hop Hop Video. Which…maybe might not have been the best idea, considering how many times the police made the news this past year. Anyway, she did it, and it went a little something like this.

“A lot of people have problems with the police. But I really hate police strippers. You guys know what I’m talking about. They come to your house, you think you’re getting arrested, and you just get a lap dance that is usually uninspired! I hired a police stripper for my grandmother’s 80th, and he wouldn’t even feel her up. Well I paid an extra $100 for her to get an erotic back massage, but it only lasted one song! I hate this injustice. Hence the shirt.”

So yeah, the joke was mostly about police strippers, particularly how she hates them. But still, it prompted a lot of people to call Rebel out for what they considered was not exactly the most tasteful of jokes. The Huffington Post and the Daily Mail have collected a bunch of the tweets, which came from a variety of people, including Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson. So far, Rebel hasn’t said anything about this mess, besides tweeting a pic of her ass next to Nicki Minaj’s ass.

There was so much offensive shit last night (Kanye being given a microphone, etc.) that I almost forgot about Rebel’s maybe-you-should-skip-this-one police joke. I didn’t, however forget the wrong shit she said about stripper cops. Excuse you, Rebel, but I have never seen a stripper cop who didn’t give it his all when reporting for booty.

Here’s Rebel before the show looking like a low budget Avril Lavigne.

Pics: Splash,


You Knew This Was Going To Happen: Miley Cyrus’ Nipple Made An Appearance At The VMAs Last Night

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

If Miley Cyrus hosts the MTV VMAs and her tit nub doesn’t pop out at least once, did she really host the MTV VMAs at all?

The least shocking moment of the VMAs happened when Miley’s nipple “accidentally” made a cameo appearance toward the end of the show. And by “accidentally” I mean that she rehearsed that accidental nip slip for 3 hours in a rehearsal studio in the Valley somewhere and in her earpiece, a stage manager was saying, “Standby nip slip… Nip slip go in 3..2…”

Many parents spent their entire night smearing burn cream all over the eyes of the innocent, delicate children whose retinas caught on fire from seeing Miley Cyrus’ devilry nipple. Everybody should’ve seen her tit slip coming, because she’s Miley Cyrus and nearly everything she wore during the show was leading up to that moment. Before going to a commercial break, Miley was backstage changing when she “accidentally” dropped the black curtain for a second and her tit came out to say hi. Gawker has a clip of it and I put the uncensored pic after the cut, because I know some of you dew drops don’t want your pure and virginal eyes tainted by the sight of a chipmunk lady nipple.

Justin Timberlake Responds To Kanye Calling Him Out During His Vanguard Speech

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

One of the word nuggets Kanye West squeezed out during his next-level insane “I’m running for President in 2020” Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award speech last night was a tiny clump of stinky shade that you know he’s been saving for just such an occasion. While talking about…fuck, who even knows, Kanye aimed his ass over to Justin Timberlake’s direction and ripped a hot one about watching JT cry himself a river when he lost Album of the Year to the Dixie Chicks at the 2006 Grammy Awards. Yes, Kanye is that girl at a sleepover who looks at you during the bee scene in My Girl and loudly asks “Are you crying???

“And bro, Justin, I ain’t trying to put you on blast, but I saw that man in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking like, he deserved to win Album of the Year.”

Well, guess who didn’t appreciate being put “on blast” for his sad, salty tears? That’s right, Kanye’s bro Justin Timberlake. Shortly after Kanye outed him for crying over a stupid trophy, a butthurt Justin hopped on Twitter to swat back.

Eventually, Joey Fatone was able to calm Justin down by stroking his hair and whispering “I know, I know“, and Justin returned with some nicer words.

Oooh, you know how I know he’s still a little mad? He called him “my man” and not “bro.” It’s okay, JT – let it out, buddy. Don’t be ashamed of those tears!

In the event you didn’t get enough of Kim Kardashian’s tits looking like a pair of TruckNutz in an elegant lace-up satin pouch, here’s Kim and Kanye leaving dinner after the VMAs last night.

Pics: Splash

The Canadian Jesus Brought The Raw Emotion After His VMAs Performance

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.

Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.

But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.

Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.

And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.

Pics: Getty,


Former Enemies Taylor Swift And Nicki Minaj Opened The VMAs Last Night, Because Of Course They Did

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.

Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.

As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.

But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.

Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:

Pics: Splash,

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Amber’s OUTFIT OF THE NIGHT at the MTV VMAs last night.

At the VMAs last night, both Amber Rose wore a catsuit covered in all of the words that Khlozilla probably spray painted on her garage door after their little “slut-shaming feud.” Amber and one of Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery icons, Blac Chyna, took back all the beautiful words (examples: gold digger, slut, hoe, whore) that tricks call them by wearing those beautiful words all over their bodies. Amber Rose’s Slut Walk is happening next month, so she and her reality shit show partner Blac Chyna wore that Stripper Slut Whore Gold Digger Hoe couture to promote her event. Amber also brought along two friends who wore outfits covered in the word “faggot.” Together, they all look like they’re dressed up as a YouTube comment section for Halloween.

That outfit is Lindsay Bluth’s DREAM outfit and mine too. I’m slow clapping for Amber Rose and I’m also wondering if her Slut Whore Hoe catsuit and those Faggot boots come in my size, because that’s what I want to wear when my mom drags me to church on Christmas Eve.

Pics:, Splash


Birthday Sluts

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Julie Brown (57)
Ryan Kelley (29)
Joe Budden (35)
Jeff Hardy (38)
Shar Jackson (39)
Sara Ramirez (40)
Chris Tucker (44)
Deborah Gibson (45)
Queen Rania of Jordan (45)
Jonathan LaPaglia (46)
Dee Bradley Baker (53)
Gina Schock (56)
Marcia Clark (62)
Richard Gere (66)
Van Morrison (70)

Pic: Getty


Kanye West Is Running For President In 2020

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re reading this and you watched all of the MTV VMAs tonight, then congratulations, you survived Kanye West’s 15-hour-long speech, which was a cross between “mentally ill person cursing at everyone on the subway at 7am” and a stoned Stuart Smalley’s TED Talk.

Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Sward tonight, because duh, and when he got a hold of that mic, he took us on a journey from WTF to STFU. Kanye shit on the idea of “pitting” artists against artists and even took a messy, sloppy diarrhea on MTV for advertising that Taylor Swift was going to present him with his award. (In MTV’s defense, they never announced that the yodeling broomstick was going to present Kanye with his award.) Kanye’s anti-award show speech was a rambling mess of WHAT, and what distracted me most was the fact that I dressed up more for the VMAs than Kanye did. (FYI: I wore stained shorts and a Dollywood t-shirt while watching the VMAs.)

At the end of Kanye’s word salad of a speech, he announced that he’s running for President in 2020. Somewhere, Ray-J’s boomerang dick felt really good about itself, because in the future, it will be able to say that it once pissed on the First Lady.

And of course, Donald Trump just had to tweet this:

I think we’re all overdosing on irony.

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out that Trump account is a fake Trump account. But yes, Trump probably thought that for real and yes, I am 100% S.O.B.E.R (So Obviously Blasted & Enormously Ripped).

Pics: Getty,

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