If you’re reading this and you watched all of the MTV VMAs tonight, then congratulations, you survived Kanye West’s 15-hour-long speech, which was a cross between “mentally ill person cursing at everyone on the subway at 7am” and Stuart Smalley’s TED Talk.
Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Sward tonight, because duh, and when he got a hold of that mic, he took us on a journey from WTF to STFU. Kanye shit on the idea of “pitting” artists against artists and even took a messy, sloppy diarrhea on MTV for advertising that Taylor Swift was going to present him with his award. (In MTV’s defense, they never announced that the yodeling broomstick was going to present Kanye with his award.) Kanye’s anti-award show speech was a rambling mess of WHAT, and what distracted me most was the fact that I dressed up more for the VMAs than Kanye did. (FYI: I wore stained shorts and a Dollywood t-shirt while watching the VMAs.)
At the end of Kanye’s word salad of a speech, he announced that he’s running for President in 2020. Somewhere, Ray-J’s boomerang dick felt really good about itself, because in the future, it will be able to say that it once pissed on the First Lady.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
And of course, Donald Trump just had to tweet this:
Who does Kanye think he is running for president? What experience does he have? None.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonldTrump) August 31, 2015
I think we’re all overdosing on irony.
UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out that Trump account is a fake Trump account. But yes, Trump probably thought that for real and yes, I am 100% S.O.B.E.R (So Obviously Blasted & Enormously Ripped).
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
A few days ago, a New York Times interview came out where Miley Cyrus basically labeled Nicki Minaj as a “bitch” and schooled her on the right way to talk about race.
A little over a month ago, Nicki wondered why Anaconda wasn’t nominated for Best Video of the Year at the VMAs and went on to tweet that black women influence pop culture in a major way and never get rewarded for it. During Miley’s interview with the New York Times, she said that Nicki made it all about Nicki and didn’t go about it the right way. Well, if you guessed that Nicki and Miley would handle their “beef” at the VMAs with a possibly scripted tussle, stick a gold star on your taint, because you got it right!
Nicki won Best Hip-Hop Video for Anaconda at the MTV VMAs tonight and at the end of her speech, she puffed up her chest, threw cunt eyes over at Miley Cyrus and said, “And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?” Miley, who looked like a Hot Dog on the Stick raver, blurted out some shit about how the media twists things around. If you haven’t already, watch it to see if it’s some STUNT QUEEN shit or not. I’m, of course, scooting over to the STUNT QUEEN side because of Nicki’s little smirk.
Fake or not, I will totally hold Nicki’s Secret Bangs™ if she needs to handle a ho.
UPDATE: Here’s the look Miley made when Nicki came for her:
— kel$ (@kelsproff) August 31, 2015
Maybe Nicki’s rage toward Miley was real? I mean, that is the same face I made when I realized that I just cursed in front of my abuelita.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
I didn’t think this would ever really happen and this is a serious shock. One of the masters of scaring the fuck out of us as kids, Wes Craven, is now in heaven, making the angels shit their pants.
Variety brings us some shitty, shitty news. Wes Craven died today at his home in Los Angeles at the age of 76. Scream out another, “FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT CANCER,” because Wes died of brain cancer.
The first movie Wes ever directed was 1972’s The Last House on the Left and the last movie he directed was 2011’s Scream 4. Between those movies, he directed The Hills Have Eyes, A Nightmare on Elm Street, all the Screams, Music of the Heart and Vampire in Brooklyn. And he had many more in him.
While reading about Wes on Wikipedia, I learned that he made many hardcore porn movies under pseudonyms. I really hope one of his pseudonyms was Wes CravenYourPussay.
Wes Craven is survived by his two children, Jonathan and Jessica, and his third wife Iya Labunka.
Rest in peace, Wes Craven. I don’t think I closed my eyes for at least 24 hours after watching Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time as a little kid, so thank you.
If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly genderqueer chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.
Social media mogul Frankie Grande Latte is about as pleasant as an ingrown ass hair, but I cannot hate on what he served up at the MTV VMAs tonight. Frankie looks like he just got back from the first ever all-gay Burning Man in Ibiza and he also looks like Oprah just scooted across his brows after shitting gold. That really is the look.
If you’re planning on watching the annual “MTV We Don’t Show Videos Anymore But We’re Going To Recognize Them In This Ceremony Because We Know We’ll Get A Lot Of Attention From Miley Cyrus Showing Her Tits Awards” tonight, then I’m guessing that in the middle of your living room, you’ve got a plastic kiddie pool full of Popov vodka. Because the only way to watch all 6 hours of that mess is to watch it while sitting in a pool full of the sweet nectar with a long straw permanently attached to your mouth. I know, the VMAs are technically 2 hours long, but Kanye West is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, so he’s going to need a good 3 and a half hours to figuratively deep throat his own dick while licking his own nuts and b-hole at the same time.
The list of hos performing is a real who’s who and what I mean by that is, it’ll make you scream WHO? a bunch of times. The performers are: Walk the Moon, Tori Kelly, Twenty One Pilots, A$AP Rocky, Demi Lovato, The Weeknd, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Pharrell Williams, Nicki Minaj and the hood rat stuff king of the playground Justin Bieber. Although, the Biebs got a ticket last night for driving his tricked-out Big Wheels too fast, so his dad Usher may ground him and refuse to let him perform. Miley Cyrus is supposedly going to close the show with a bunch of queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race, but by then, most of us will be busy chasing our livers around after they quit our bodies because they can’t take it anymore.
I may throw up a couple of VMAs posts tonight and tomorrow, Allison is helping me cover all the foolery. As for a drinking game, just take the biggest swig possible every time a presenter or winner opens their mouth to speak. There’s a 50/50 chance they’re going to say something eye roll-worthy, so you’re going to need a quick shot of booze to get you through it. I really can’t wait. I hope it’s a beautiful mess.
Speaking of a mess, here’s more of Frankie Grande Latte looking like a craft project on the wrong kind of crack. Do not show these pictures to your grandma, because she’ll be pissed that Frankie Grande Latte is wearing the same blazer she wore to your cousin’s wedding.
“I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.”
This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?
Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.
Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.”
It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!
Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.
“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”
Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.
With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.
Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”
The iconique purple shell pasty that Lil’ Kim wore to the 1999 MTV VMAs!
Miley Cyrus pretty much declared herself the creator of the twerk and now she’s running around with sequins stickers covering her nipple knobs and some hos are acting like she invented pasties too. So let’s pay tribute to a truly important part of nipple pasty history. Back in the olden days of 1999 when Lil’ Kim was only on her second face (or was it her third?) and she didn’t completely look like a rejected Pokemon villain, she brought true glamour and elegance to the MTV VMAs when she showed up looking like the Birth of Venus if the Birth of Venus happened in the toilet of a bathroom in a Lisa Frank-themed strip club on Coney Island. (Miley paid homage to that stunning look on Slutoween a couple of years ago.)
That year, Lil’ Kim’s acid trip mermaid-looking ass presented the award for Best Hip-Hop Video with Mary J. Blige. They brought out the legendary Diana Ross to present with them and Miss Ross greeted the raver Wuzzle by molesting her left tit. Mary J. Blige was not amused. This is the moment when some of us wondered if all the Ecstasy and acid we took really jacked up our brains and caused us to hallucinate the image of Diana Ross dribbling Lil’ Kim’s chichi.
Those really were the days when Mary J Blige hadn’t whored herself out to Burger King yet, the VMAs still gave us real star power and Lil’ Kim was a vision of authentic sophistication. Now this is how to work a pasty.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Gabriel Aubry (40)
Trevor Jackson (19)
Andy Roddick (33)
Lisa Ling (42)
Cameron Diaz (43)
Frederique Van Der Wal (48)
Michael Michele (49)
Michael Chiklis (52)
Paul Oakenfold (52)
David Paymer (61)
Timothy Bottoms (64)
Lewis Black (67)
Peggy Lipton (69)
Elizabeth Ashley (76)
Warren Buffet (85)
Pic: Elisa Rolle