Archives: August 2015

Night Crumbs

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt took one of the chosen ones, Knox, to the MotoGP British Grand Prix and he looks absolutely thrilled to be there. Knox is clearly making a face that is saying, “I only went with dad because Maddox told me he was going to another toy store. Tricked, again!”  – Lainey Gossip 

The good news for Kim Richards is, she won’t face any jail time for terrorizing the Beverly Hills Hotel. The bad news for Kim Richards is, the Beverly Hills Hotel never wants to see her face again – Reality Tea 

Chrissie Hynde is a member of the “Don’t Walk Around Half Naked If You Don’t Want To Get Raped” Club. If Chrissy watched the VMAs last night, she’s probably still on the floor after passing out from shock – Celebitchy

Who cares about the dumb VMAs? Parasite Hilton was off in Europe DJing a truly relevant event! – WWTDD

If Rita Ora doesn’t have skid mark stains running up and down the back of her two-piece tightey whitey outfit, then she totally didn’t commit to this look – Drunken Stepfather

At the VMAs, Demi Lovato looked like she was wearing a costume from the Goddess show in ShowgirlsThe Superficial 

Dear President Obama, whatever you do, do not try the cooked rat if Bear Grylls offers you some – Towleroad

RiRi wore her “staying at home clothes” out in public again – Egotastic!

The paparazzi still shows up when Stacy Keibler calls – Popoholic

Excuse me, but I have to go to the Warrior River where I can fish for kittens – Hollywood Tuna 

Ne-Yo is getting married and expecting a baby. I bet his ex, the one he supposedly convinced to have her tubes tied, is oh-so-happy for him – Popsugar

For why isn’t the Wiener Dog Race the most anticipated and watched sporting event in the world? – The Berry 

Even Zac Efron’s nipples couldn’t save his new movie from flopping – HuffPo

I didn’t know that Billy Eichner also reports the weather – SOW

TLC’s documentary on sexual abuse didn’t mention Josh Duggar’s name at all – Jezebel 

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are still married – Just Jared

Austin Whateverhislastnameis gave the Celebrity Big Brother live feed watchers a serving of his huevos and cakes – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Pic: Getty

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Pull Out The Barf Bag: Tyga Released His Video For “Stimulated” Co-Starring Kylie Jenner

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Tyga’s “Stimulated” is probably the most-played song on Woody Allen’s Spotify playlist thanks to lyrics like “They say she young/ I should’ve waited/ She a big girl, dog when she stimulated.” That song made us all scream for an adult and well, start lubricating your tonsils, because you’ll be screaming for an adult again if you choose to watch the video for it.

Tyga has reportedly been sued by his former landlord for over $70,000 in back rent. Well, his former landlord will take comfort in knowing that it looks like Tyga didn’t drop much money into his video. The video for “Stimulated” looks like it was shot on an iPhone 3G in an empty house that a realtor let him use for 30 minutes. Tyga didn’t even have enough money in his non-budget to furnish that house with some Rent-A-Center shit. But I guess the video isn’t really about the house. It’s more about showcasing Tyga’s poetic lyrics, which he writes in a notebook like a true artist, and it’s also about him using Kylie Jenner to get more attention. (And I’m falling for it AGAIN.) Kylie makes an appearance and gets into some awkward hugging and kissing shit with the creepy gecko on a balcony.

I watched this wreck the whole way through, because: 1) I hate myself to the core and; 2) I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out. Chris Hansen disappointed us all.

I will hand one thing (besides a GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL card) to Tyga. “Stimulated” samples Robert Miles’Children” and that’s really fitting.

And here’s Tyga and Kylie, who is probably wearing one of Blac Chyna’s old wigs, at the VMAs last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Shirtless Ryan Phillippe

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Unless you’re a sucio freak who’s really into seeing Miley Cyrus with a mouthful of unicorn jizz, this is Dlisted’s first Panty Creamer of the week and some of us needed this after the messiness our eyes were exposed to during last night’s MTV VMAs. Ryan Phillippe took his 40-year-old nipples for a jog in Beverly Hills the other day and I’m mad that the paparazzo didn’t also record video. Because Ryan Phillippe’s bulge in motion would be to me what laser pointers are to cats.

And Ryan Phillippe is 40 and still looks like this. Either there’s a painting of his old face in an attic somewhere or he keeps his nips youthful-looking by drinking the blood of virgins directly from the tap. You know a bunch of thirsty, hard-up whores are going to stand around outside of Ryan’s house while wearing a white cotton nightgown and the mark of a virgin. (And yes, I typed that in between shopping on the Internet for a white cotton nightgown and Crocs, which are the true mark of virgins and born again virgins.)

Pics: FameFlynet

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Sir Ian McKellen Almost Became Homeless And It Was All Taylor Swift’s Fault!

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Of course I’m being a *bit* dramatic, since we all know Sir Ian McKellen always has a couch at Sir Patrick Stewart’s house, and you’re never truly homeless when you live in the hearts of millions. But still! The point is that the wannabe Truly Scrumptious once put Gandalf’s ass out on the streets, and that’s how you guarantee yourself a one-way first class ticket to Hell.

Sir Ian recently outed Taylor Swift as the Sweet Valley High version of Benny Coffin III during a recent interview with the Gay Star News when he told the story about how he was evicted from his apartment by Tay Tay. Tay Tay was playing House Hunters in New York City and decided to buy Peter Jackson’s apartment. The only problem was, Sir Ian was crashing at Peter Jackson’s apartment at the time. Rather than doing the right thing and letting life legend Sir Ian keep squatting, she grabbed her Peppermint Rose stationary and a scented push-point pencil and told him to GTFO. According to Sir Ian, he was “thrown out” a month before he was supposed to leave. I don’t know where he went, but I just pictured Sir Ian wandering the streets of New York in the rain with a hobo bindle over his shoulder, and now I’m sad. THANKS TAYLOR.

Because Sir Ian is truly an angel sent from above, he claims he doesn’t hold a grudge against Taylor:

“Well she bought it, she’s every right to take it over. I was just lodging there for free you know.”

Although he’s not exactly rushing out to be one of her next “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guests either. When asked what it’s like to be part of Taylor’s “squad” (Taylor once Tweeted a collage of picture of Sir Ian and Sir Patrick), Ian confessed that she had asked Sir Ian and Sir Patrick to join her on stage during one of her shows in Los Angeles. But they politely declined because they “had something else to do that night” instead. Oooh, look out, Sir Ian and Sir Patrick; you’re about to become a song titled “Knights in Jealous Hater Armor.

Hulk Hogan Is Begging His Fans To Forgive Him For That Racist Shit He Said

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Hulk Hogan was dropped by the WWE and they erased all traces of his orange gristle image from their website after The National Enquirer and Radar published some racist crap he spewed out of his mouth in a sex tape. Hulk is suing Gawker Media for $100 million because they posted screen shots and heave-inducing details of a fuck tape that was shot without him knowing it. The transcripts of him mouth shitting up racist slurs while talking about Brooke Hogan dating a black guy were sealed by the court and nobody knows how The National Enquirer magically got a hold of them. Once the transcripts were published, his charbroiled empire started to crumble and now he’s trying to save his career by begging for forgiveness.

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Bono Has Made More Money Off Facebook Than He Ever Made From U2

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

As if you couldn’t have already guessed, Bono – seen above on the fancy-ass boat he uses to get to and from his fancy-ass yacht in St. Tropez – is rich as fuck. Technically, we already knew that, since U2 has been touring forever and tickets to a U2 concerts usually cost $900 and your choice of limb (and limbs go for big money on the black market). But it turns out the money Bono has been making from hollering out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” is peanuts compared to the checks he’s been receiving from Mark Zuckerberg.

According to the Mirror UK (via Page Six), Bono bought a 2.3 percent share in Facebook back in 2009 for almost $76 million. As anyone who has every listened to Suze Orman talk about money knows, money grows. And in the six years since Bono made Facebook his bottom bitch, his $76 million share is now worth $1 billion. That frantic splashing sound you just heard was Lindsay Lohan doing the get money bitch backstroke from her current yacht in St. Tropez to Bono’s.

The Mirror says that Bono now holds the title of Richest Pop Star IN THE WORLD, beating out Paul McCartney, who is worth $818 million, and Madonna, who is worth a pathetic $582 million.

I quit Facebook years ago because I kept getting too many messages from spammers asking if I wanted to make some easy money sitting on my ass. Looks like they were (sort of) right. You can make money from Facebook, and you can do it sitting on your ass. Just ask Bono! Or better yet, just wait for the inevitable round of mass spam emails that start with: “Hi do u like money? <–My name is Bono and I make $66,750 a day off Facebook ask me how NOW!

Pic: Splash

Leave It To Z LaLa To Bring The Magical Glamour To The VMAs

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.

Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.

Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.

And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:

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Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.

And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.

Pics: Wenn.com

Some People Aren’t Happy About Rebel Wilson’s Police Joke

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

And now in “You might want to avoid the internet for a while” news, some of the internet is apparently very upset that Rebel Wilson made a joke about the police while presenting the award for Best Hop Hop Video. Which…maybe might not have been the best idea, considering how many times the police made the news this past year. Anyway, she did it, and it went a little something like this.

“A lot of people have problems with the police. But I really hate police strippers. You guys know what I’m talking about. They come to your house, you think you’re getting arrested, and you just get a lap dance that is usually uninspired! I hired a police stripper for my grandmother’s 80th, and he wouldn’t even feel her up. Well I paid an extra $100 for her to get an erotic back massage, but it only lasted one song! I hate this injustice. Hence the shirt.”

So yeah, the joke was mostly about police strippers, particularly how she hates them. But still, it prompted a lot of people to call Rebel out for what they considered was not exactly the most tasteful of jokes. The Huffington Post and the Daily Mail have collected a bunch of the tweets, which came from a variety of people, including Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson. So far, Rebel hasn’t said anything about this mess, besides tweeting a pic of her ass next to Nicki Minaj’s ass.

There was so much offensive shit last night (Kanye being given a microphone, etc.) that I almost forgot about Rebel’s maybe-you-should-skip-this-one police joke. I didn’t, however forget the wrong shit she said about stripper cops. Excuse you, Rebel, but I have never seen a stripper cop who didn’t give it his all when reporting for booty.

Here’s Rebel before the show looking like a low budget Avril Lavigne.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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You Knew This Was Going To Happen: Miley Cyrus’ Nipple Made An Appearance At The VMAs Last Night

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

If Miley Cyrus hosts the MTV VMAs and her tit nub doesn’t pop out at least once, did she really host the MTV VMAs at all?

The least shocking moment of the VMAs happened when Miley’s nipple “accidentally” made a cameo appearance toward the end of the show. And by “accidentally” I mean that she rehearsed that accidental nip slip for 3 hours in a rehearsal studio in the Valley somewhere and in her earpiece, a stage manager was saying, “Standby nip slip… Nip slip go in 3..2…”

Many parents spent their entire night smearing burn cream all over the eyes of the innocent, delicate children whose retinas caught on fire from seeing Miley Cyrus’ devilry nipple. Everybody should’ve seen her tit slip coming, because she’s Miley Cyrus and nearly everything she wore during the show was leading up to that moment. Before going to a commercial break, Miley was backstage changing when she “accidentally” dropped the black curtain for a second and her tit came out to say hi. Gawker has a clip of it and I put the uncensored pic after the cut, because I know some of you dew drops don’t want your pure and virginal eyes tainted by the sight of a chipmunk lady nipple.

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