Archives: August 2015

While Everybody Gets Divorced, Zooey Deschanel Gets Married

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And had a baby!

Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.

Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.

Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.

That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one.  Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.

Pic: Wenn.com

Everybody Is Getting Divorced And That Includes Gwen Stefani And Gavin Rossdale

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

If you just saw a bolt of lighting with black 2009 Bieber hair run on by you while screaming, “We can now be together, Gaviiiiiiin,” don’t worry. It’s just Peter Robinson (aka Marilyn) going to get his man.

This summer has been like Christmas on steroids to divorce lawyers in Hollywood, because everyone has decided to throw their marriage into a shallow grave. Even Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, which I didn’t see coming even with all the blind items about their asses. TMZ says that Gwen has filed papers to legally end her 13-year-marriage to Gavin. In the divorce papers, Gwen said that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to end their marriage and she’s asking for joint custody of 9-year-old Kingston, 6-year-old Zuma Nesta and a 1-year-old Apollo. Those of us who are fans of crazy celebrity baby names are shedding tears, because think of what Gwen and Gavin would’ve named their fourth child.

Gavin obviously saw the divorce coming and agrees with it. His lawyer Laura Wasser (aka the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood) filed his response at the same time that Gwen filed for divorce. TMZ’s sources say that Gwen and Gavin didn’t sign a prenup when they got married, so they’ll probably split everything 50/50. She’s apparently worth $80 million while he’s worth $35 million. Gwen doesn’t want to pay Gavin spousal support.

Gwen and Gavin released the statement that all married celebrity parents release when they file for divorce:

“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment. To that end, we respectfully request privacy from the media during this time.”

First Blake Shelton gets a divorce and now Gwen Stefani! It’s THE CURSE of The Voice! Adam Levine has been married for a little over a year and that’s 11 months longer than I thought he’d be married. So if he wants out, he just found an out. “Behati, it’s over between us. Blame it on The Voice curse…and my peen’s appetite for new cooch.”

And does this mean that Gwen is going to write and record Tragic Kingdom: The Sequel?

Here’s Gwen a few days ago leaving Whole Foods with two of her sons after spending half of her net worth there, I’m sure.

Pics: Splash, Getty

Night Crumbs

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Reba McEntire and her husband/manager Narvel Blackstock are over and are getting a divorce after being married for 26 years. No celebrity union is safe from the marriage grim reaper this summer. QUICK! Everyone drop everything and form a prayer circle around Coco and Ice-T – HuffPo

John Mayer and Katy Perry are back together. And I’m sure that in the 6 seconds it took me to type that last sentence, they broke up and got back together 4 more times – Lainey Gossip

Goopy Paltrow claims she didn’t even write “conscious uncoupling.” Yeah, sure, Goopy  – Celebitchy

Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out got fired from Living Spaces for being Jeff Lewis – Reality Tea 

You can tell Jimmy Kimmel to pull himself off of the bathroom floor now, because Cecil the Lion’s brother wasn’t killed – WWTDD 

Gigi Hadid is in W MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Amy Schumer is fighting for stricter gun control because of the shooting during a showing of Trainwreck. And on another note, why didn’t I know that Chuck Schumer is her cousin?! – The Superficial 

Hilary Duff was papped walking again, which is good news for you, because now you’ll be able to sleep through the night – The Nip Slip 

Here’s something for your Ruby Rose fap file – Egotastic

Lenny Kravitz looks hot, even when he’s making a “just inhaled the scent of dirty ass” face – Tom + Lorenzo

I’ve been to that In-N-Out in Downey, CA and I don’t remember seeing a meth shake on the menu. Ugh, it’s probably on the secret menu. Dumb me! – Jezebel

Demi Lovato delivers an A+++ eyebrow game on the cover of CosmopolitanPopoholic

Emily Ratatouille does British GQHollywood Tuna 

Leslie Jordan doesn’t think he’s a hero for spilling the tea, literally, on a homophobe – Towleroad

Move your leg, kid, I need to see if Gisele Bundchen’s chichis look more lifted or not! – Popsugar

Some Atlanta shock jock decided to troll Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara and probably because he saw all the attention that Good Day Sacramento got – Pajiba

A tabloid paid $100,000 for a photo of Bobbi Kristina Brown in her casket. I’m disappointed that Second Cousin Dionne Warwick wasn’t standing by the casket ready to slap a whore the minute they pulled a cell phone out – The Wrap 

Pic: Wenn.com

Tags:
SHARE

Kim Kartrashian’s Koffee Table Book Flopped

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.

A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.

That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)

What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.

It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!

Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, INFPhoto.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Shirtless Stephen Amell And A Shirtless Jared Padalecki

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephen Amell of Arrow and Jared PatAndLickMe of Supernatural got topless this past weekend to raise straight lady clits and gay dicks. They also did it to raise awareness for Jared’s charity campaign Always Keep Fighting, which supports people struggling with depression. Well, Stephen Amell’s nipples do have the power to bring some of us out of the sads for a minute, so I’m sure it’s working.

Always Keep Fighting is selling t-shirts and I guess Jared knows that there’s no better way to promote that shit than to get topless with the Green Arrow. They posted these pictures on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and added the note:

Stephen Amell and I lost our shirts frown emoticon Maybe we should grab one from the represent.com/Jared relaunch!!! Only 2 days!!!!

I cannot wait to see the picture they post when Always Keep Fighting starts selling chonies.

optoplessforacause2

Pics: @jarpad, @amelladventures

Tags:
SHARE

Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Are Possibly Getting A Divorce: Take 4,591,987

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Now that the tabloids have successfully called the end of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage (hey, it only took them 5 years and 498 covers stories to do so), they can go back to focusing on the demise of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 17-year-old union. Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year, but Radar says that it’s definitely happening this time. I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.

Radar’s source says that Will and Jada’s marriage has been on its death bed for a while, but whenever they’re out in public, they act like they’re still hungry for each other’s genitals. They’re apparently tired of pretending like their circle of infinite love is still intact, so they’ve decided to end it for once and for all. They’ve already told their kids and plan to tell everyone else at the end of the summer. The source put it like this:

“For Will and Jada, holding it together these past few years has been tough because their marriage has been on life support for a long time. They’re exhausted from trying to maintain the façade of a happy union. They’ve decided to pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner, [and] agree announcing their split at the end of the summer is the right move.

[They have already] worked out a confidential settlement to protect their $240 million fortune, and prepared their kids [son Jaden, 17, and daughter Willow, 14] for the fallout.”

Meanwhile, Gossip Cop says Radar’s story is lies wrapped in fallacies. (UPDATE: Will Smith also spit at the divorce rumors on Facebook.)

If this is true, then I have a few questions. Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?! How many of their alleged side whores will sell a story about their open marriage to the tabloids? And more importantly, how will we overwork our eye rolling muscle if Will and Jada are over and she can no longer go on about how her pussy turns into a strung out crackhead with the shakes if it doesn’t get at least one daily injection from her husband’s dick?

Pic: Wenn.com

Coco And Ice-T Are Giving Their Baby A Name As Luxurious And Elegant As Them

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Last week, we all breathed a sigh of relief after finding out that the future of sophistication is looking bright thanks to Coco being pregnant with her first child. Coco and Ice-T announced on their talk show that the heir to their kingdom of elegance is currently growing in her body. Well, Coco and Ice-T are continuing to get those ratings by dropping details of their unborn baby on their show. On today’s show, Coco and Ice-T told everyone that their first child together is a girl and they even announced her name.

I was really, really hoping that Coco (born name: Nicole Natalie Austin) and Ice-T (born name: Tracy Lauren Marrow) would stick with their family’s beverage name theme by naming their bundle of baby Bacardi Breezer T or Pearl Milk T. But they’re not doing that. Coco and Ice-T have decided that their family needs to completely pay homage to Coco Chanel so they are naming their daughter CHANEL. Most of the Chanels I have met are white Pomeranians, but I once knew a woman whose name was Chanel and she only sang Spice Girls songs at karaoke and I never saw her without a Swarovski stick-on crystal tattoo on her arm. So Chanel T is in good company.

Here’s the clip of Coco and Ice-T announcing that she’s pregnant with a Chanel:

If you watched the rest of that clip then you saw Coco show off her stomach while asking everyone to guess how far along she is. Coco is 21 weeks, so that’s everyone’s cue to scream, “OHMYGAWD NO WAY!” But please, we all know that Coco’s fetus isn’t growing in her stomach area. Her fetus is obviously growing in her ass cheeks. I mean, why live in a studio apartment (read: Coco’s womb) for 9 months when you can live in a sprawling, 8,000 square foot mansion with cathedral ceilings (read: her ass)?

SHARE

Brit Brit Spears May Be Under A Conservatorship For The Rest Of Her Life

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.

The Duggars Begging For Money On YouTube

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The Duggars have said before that even though they have 4,598,874 mouths to feed, they are debt-free and have never needed TLC’s checks to support their army. Jim Bob Duggar claimed he supported his family through real estate shit and Michelle Duggar has forever claimed that they live on the cheap by making their own laundry detergent, etc… Well, both Radar and OK! Magazine seem to think that the Duggars are broke, because they have put their empty hands out on YouTube and are asking their followers for coins. I guess tater tot casserole just isn’t the same when you can’t afford tater tots and have to instead use dirty Styrofoam peanuts you found while dumpster diving.

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >