“I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.”
This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?
Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.
Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.”
It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!
Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.
“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”
Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.
With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.
Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”
The iconique purple shell pasty that Lil’ Kim wore to the 1999 MTV VMAs!
Miley Cyrus pretty much declared herself the creator of the twerk and now she’s running around with sequins stickers covering her nipple knobs and some hos are acting like she invented pasties too. So let’s pay tribute to a truly important part of nipple pasty history. Back in the olden days of 1999 when Lil’ Kim was only on her second face (or was it her third?) and she didn’t completely look like a rejected Pokemon villain, she brought true glamour and elegance to the MTV VMAs when she showed up looking like the Birth of Venus if the Birth of Venus happened in the toilet of a bathroom in a Lisa Frank-themed strip club on Coney Island. (Miley paid homage to that stunning look on Slutoween a couple of years ago.)
That year, Lil’ Kim’s acid trip mermaid-looking ass presented the award for Best Hip-Hop Video with Mary J. Blige. They brought out the legendary Diana Ross to present with them and Miss Ross greeted the raver Wuzzle by molesting her left tit. Mary J. Blige was not amused. This is the moment when some of us wondered if all the Ecstasy and acid we took really jacked up our brains and caused us to hallucinate the image of Diana Ross dribbling Lil’ Kim’s chichi.
Those really were the days when Mary J Blige hadn’t whored herself out to Burger King yet, the VMAs still gave us real star power and Lil’ Kim was a vision of authentic sophistication. Now this is how to work a pasty.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Gabriel Aubry (40)
Trevor Jackson (19)
Andy Roddick (33)
Lisa Ling (42)
Cameron Diaz (43)
Frederique Van Der Wal (48)
Michael Michele (49)
Michael Chiklis (52)
Paul Oakenfold (52)
David Paymer (61)
Timothy Bottoms (64)
Lewis Black (67)
Peggy Lipton (69)
Elizabeth Ashley (76)
Warren Buffet (85)
Pic: Elisa Rolle
When it comes to Chippendales dancers, my heart (and crotch) belongs to the red-hot pants-dampening pure sexuality that is SNL’s Adrien and Barney. With that being said, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due and admit that Tyson Beckford is working a pretty tight Chippendales game. Tyson was at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas last night to perform with the illustrious male dancers of Chippendales because…I’m not sure why, exactly. But he’s performing from now till September 27th, so if you’ve ever wanted to see the hotness that is Tyson Beckford bust out some Chocolate City moves in 1/6 of a chauffeur’s costume, now is your chance.
I’ve never seen the Las Vegas Chippendales show, because why do that when you can see desperate dudes take off their clothes in a Boulder City parking lot for less than half the price, so I have no idea what their act is like. But really, the only things I want to know about Tyson’s Chippendales set is if he goes by a stage name (Blayze? Riptyde? The Silencer? I need to know!) and whether or not he bounces those gorgeous man titties. What am I saying? Of course he does. It wouldn’t be an all-hunk review without some bouncing pecs.
Even though the people in charge of Celebrity Big Brother have made it clear they want nothing to do with her or her one-time Nazi-sympathizing ass, Tila Tequila is trying anyway. The former MySpace celebrity and current self-employed phone sex operator wants you to know that she’s very sorry for that time in her life when she was doodling Hitler’s name all over her Trapper Keeper, and that she hopes Channel 5 would be willing to give her a second chance in the CBB house. “Yeah, people aren’t usually so quick to forget that kind of stuff” said the ghost of Jesse James’ career.
People says that shortly after CBB kicked Tila Tequila to the curb, she had her rep draft up an “I’m so sorry, and here’s why” statement and released it to the world. According to Tila’s statement, her crush on Hitler was the result of depression and a drug addiction, and that she’s not about that life anymore because she wants to be a good role model for her daughter. She also throws in a part about slithering back into the CBB house, because Tila Tequila knows not of the word shameless.
I see the Summer of the Split has decided to move on from married people to almost-married people. Watch out, casually fucking, you’re next.
UsWeekly says that Robin Wright and her younger ginger piece Ben Foster have decided to call it quits on the whole “being engaged” thing. Again. A source tells UsWeekly that their love hit the rim of the trash can about a month ago after 7 months of being engaged. Robin and Ben reportedly stopped returning their wedding planner’s phone calls the first time because she couldn’t deal with their work schedules and the 14-year age gap between them. And this time…well, it’s pretty much the same shit. A source claims that Robin and Ben “were still having the same issues” after they joined the two-timer engaged club back in January, which means Ben is still 14 years younger than Robin and they’re both busy. Goddamnit Ben, would it have killed you to quit your job and focus on learning how to rapidly age 14 years? It’s like you don’t even care about this second engagement!
It’s really too bad that Robin and Ben have quit each other again. Robin has said in the past that Ben’s dick does her insides better than any other, so today you should be pouring one out for Robin’s down-lows and praying that she soon finds comfort in another. Good dick at frequent intervals is a terrible thing to lose.
“Do you guys need something to do? Because it sounds like you need something to do” says the look on Drake’s face above.
Prepare for an HR-level headache, because the following is full of giant corporations getting all corporate with each other. Okay, so Drake was scheduled to perform in New Orleans yesterday at Lil Wayne’s Lil WeezyAna Festival, a charity concert to benefit children affected by Hurricane Katrina. Since Lil Wayne is part of the Tidal team, the Lil WeezyAna Festival was streamed on Tidal. Which is fine and all, except when you have an alleged $19 million deal with Apple. That’s when Apple gets mad and starts speed dialing their lawyers. Page Six says that when Drake’s pimp (Apple) found our that Drake’s two song performance would be streaming live on Tidal (the Buc Nasty to their Silky Johnson, if you will), they threatened to sue Tidal for $20 million.
I guess Jay Z can’t afford to lose any more money on Tidal, so they streamed this during Drake’s performance instead:
“Sorry for Big Brother’s inconvenience” – when did Jay Z become one of the constantly-sneering Adbusters-reading culture jamming kids from my high school art class?
But now Apple would like you to know they had nothing to do with Tidal’s decision to replace Wheelchair Jimmy with some not-so-subtle shade. Sources tell BuzzFeed that it was Drake’s decision, not Apple’s, to yank his Lil WeezyAna Fest performance. And Drake’s manager, Future The Prince, confirmed the same with this statement:
“The decision to not have Drake participate in the Tidal steam has nothing to do with Apple or Drake’s deal. Point blank, 100 percent. I made a business decision. Apple doesn’t have the power to stop us from being part of a live stream. The only people that have the power to do that are Cash Money and Universal, and they’re our partners.”
Uh huh. As if the giant white glowing apple and the ghost of Steve Jobs weren’t totally holding a knife to Drake’s bank account and making “Bitch, you better not throw us under the bus” eyes as he wrote that.
Well, at least Tidal got some good publicity out of this mess. I mean, I wasn’t even sure if Tidal was still around. And now I know that, yes, they are. Good job, Tidal!
Yes – you hang your head in shame, Kylie Jenner! Also because that is one busted-looking discount Halloween store wig, but mostly because of the wasting water thing!
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Kim Jr. and her totally 100% not broke boyfriend Tyga are the latest selfish assholes to make Mother Nature cry with their water wasting. Just like Tom Selleck before them, Kylie and Tyga don’t exactly give a fuck that there’s a drought in California and that people are being encouraged to keep their lawns dryer than a mummy’s dusty butthole. And bad news for them, the Las Virgenes Municipal Water District has been monitoring water usage in their Calabasas gated community since June. It turns out that both Kylie and Tyga, who rents a house down the street from Kylie’s $2.7 million khompound (probably to make it easier to pick up his KUWTK checks), have been using too much. First their faces, now their lawns – is there anything this family won’t pump excessive amounts of clear liquid into? (Fillers are clear, right?)
Kylie was slapped with two violations this summer, which includes a fine of $100 for each offense. Eh, I think she can handle a couple $100 fines. Pimp Mama Kris Jenner still has her pimping out those hair extensions, right? If not, maybe she can dip into her college fund, since I think it’s pretty obvious she won’t be using that money for college.
The Las Virgenes Municiple Water District also ratted out David Hasselhoff, Dr. Dre, and Denise Richards for wasting water.
I have no idea why Kylie Jenner needs to keep her lawn so fancy. It’s not like she’s ever outside looking at it. Really, how are you supposed to appreciate an on-point front lawn when you spend every waking moment inside taking sleepy porn face selfies? You can’t. Besides, I though the only grass Kylie cared about is the kind you stuff into a Zig-Zag and smoke.
Speaking of being inside, here’s Tyga walking his 18-year-old girlfriend into a club last night. No, I have no idea why Kylie is dressed like Sailor Mercury’s cougary mom either.