Archives: August 2015

Former Enemies Taylor Swift And Nicki Minaj Opened The VMAs Last Night, Because Of Course They Did

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.

Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.

As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams.

Then after they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.

Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Amber’s OUTFIT OF THE NIGHT at the MTV VMAs last night.

At the VMAs last night, both Amber Rose wore a catsuit covered in all of the words that Khlozilla probably spray painted on her garage door after their little “slut-shaming feud.” Amber and one of Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery icons, Blac Chyna, took back all the beautiful words (examples: gold digger, slut, hoe, whore) that tricks call them by wearing those beautiful words all over their bodies. Amber Rose’s Slut Walk is happening next month, so she and her reality shit show partner Blac Chyna wore that Stripper Slut Whore Gold Digger Hoe couture to promote her event. Amber also brought along two friends who wore outfits covered in the word “faggot.” Together, they all look like they’re dressed up as a YouTube comment section for Halloween.

That outfit is Lindsay Bluth’s DREAM outfit and mine too. I’m slow clapping for Amber Rose and I’m also wondering if her Slut Whore Hoe catsuit and those Faggot boots come in my size, because that’s what I want to wear when my mom drags me to church on Christmas Eve.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Birthday Sluts

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Julie Brown (57)
Ryan Kelley (29)
Joe Budden (35)
Jeff Hardy (38)
Shar Jackson (39)
Sara Ramirez (40)
Chris Tucker (44)
Deborah Gibson (45)
Queen Rania of Jordan (45)
Jonathan LaPaglia (46)
Dee Bradley Baker (53)
Gina Schock (56)
Marcia Clark (62)
Richard Gere (66)
Van Morrison (70)

Pic: Getty

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Kanye West Is Running For President In 2020

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re reading this and you watched all of the MTV VMAs tonight, then congratulations, you survived Kanye West’s 15-hour-long speech, which was a cross between “mentally ill person cursing at everyone on the subway at 7am” and a stoned Stuart Smalley’s TED Talk.

Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Sward tonight, because duh, and when he got a hold of that mic, he took us on a journey from WTF to STFU. Kanye shit on the idea of “pitting” artists against artists and even took a messy, sloppy diarrhea on MTV for advertising that Taylor Swift was going to present him with his award. (In MTV’s defense, they never announced that the yodeling broomstick was going to present Kanye with his award.) Kanye’s anti-award show speech was a rambling mess of WHAT, and what distracted me most was the fact that I dressed up more for the VMAs than Kanye did. (FYI: I wore stained shorts and a Dollywood t-shirt while watching the VMAs.)

At the end of Kanye’s word salad of a speech, he announced that he’s running for President in 2020. Somewhere, Ray-J’s boomerang dick felt really good about itself, because in the future, it will be able to say that it once pissed on the First Lady.

And of course, Donald Trump just had to tweet this:

I think we’re all overdosing on irony.

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out that Trump account is a fake Trump account. But yes, Trump probably thought that for real and yes, I am 100% S.O.B.E.R (So Obviously Blasted & Enormously Ripped).

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj Is Going To Beat The Pasties Off Of Miley Cyrus (But Probably Not)

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

A few days ago, a New York Times interview came out where Miley Cyrus basically labeled Nicki Minaj as a “bitch” and schooled her on the right way to talk about race.

A little over a month ago, Nicki wondered why Anaconda wasn’t nominated for Best Video of the Year at the VMAs and went on to tweet that black women influence pop culture in a major way and never get rewarded for it. During Miley’s interview with the New York Times, she said that Nicki made it all about Nicki and didn’t go about it the right way. Well, if you guessed that Nicki and Miley would handle their “beef” at the VMAs with a possibly scripted tussle, stick a gold star on your taint, because you got it right!

Nicki won Best Hip-Hop Video for Anaconda at the MTV VMAs tonight and at the end of her speech, she puffed up her chest, threw cunt eyes over at Miley Cyrus and said, “And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?” Miley, who looked like a Hot Dog on the Stick raver, blurted out some shit about how the media twists things around. If you haven’t already, watch it to see if it’s some STUNT QUEEN shit or not. I’m, of course, scooting over to the STUNT QUEEN side because of Nicki’s little smirk.

Fake or not, I will totally hold Nicki’s Secret Bangs™ if she needs to handle a ho.

UPDATE: Here’s the look Miley made when Nicki came for her:

Maybe Nicki’s rage toward Miley was real? I mean, that is the same face I made when I realized that I just cursed in front of my abuelita.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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Wes Craven Has Died

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t think this would ever really happen and this is a serious shock. One of the masters of scaring the fuck out of us as kids, Wes Craven, is now in heaven, making the angels shit their pants.

Variety brings us some shitty, shitty news. Wes Craven died today at his home in Los Angeles at the age of 76. Scream out another, “FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT CANCER,” because Wes died of brain cancer.

The first movie Wes ever directed was 1972’s The Last House on the Left and the last movie he directed was 2011’s Scream 4. Between those movies, he directed The Hills Have Eyes, A Nightmare on Elm Street, all the Screams, Music of the Heart and Vampire in Brooklyn. And he had many more in him.

While reading about Wes on Wikipedia, I learned that he made many hardcore porn movies under pseudonyms. I really hope one of his pseudonyms was Wes CravenYourPussay.

Wes Craven is survived by his two children, Jonathan and Jessica, and his third wife Iya Labunka.

Rest in peace, Wes Craven. I don’t think I closed my eyes for at least 24 hours after watching Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time as a little kid, so thank you.

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As Expected, Miley Cyrus Gave You Demure Modesty At The MTV VMAs

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.

Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.

And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.

Pics: Getty

MTV VMAs Open Post: Hosted By Frankie Grande Latte

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Social media mogul Frankie Grande Latte is about as pleasant as an ingrown ass hair, but I cannot hate on what he served up at the MTV VMAs tonight. Frankie looks like he just got back from the first ever all-gay Burning Man in Ibiza and he also looks like Oprah just scooted across his brows after shitting gold. That really is the look.

If you’re planning on watching the annual “MTV We Don’t Show Videos Anymore But We’re Going To Recognize Them In This Ceremony Because We Know We’ll Get A Lot Of Attention From Miley Cyrus Showing Her Tits Awards” tonight, then I’m guessing that in the middle of your living room, you’ve got a plastic kiddie pool full of Popov vodka. Because the only way to watch all 6 hours of that mess is to watch it while sitting in a pool full of the sweet nectar with a long straw permanently attached to your mouth. I know, the VMAs are technically 2 hours long, but Kanye West is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, so he’s going to need a good 3 and a half hours to figuratively deep throat his own dick while licking his own nuts and b-hole at the same time.

The list of hos performing is a real who’s who and what I mean by that is, it’ll make you scream WHO? a bunch of times. The performers are: Walk the Moon, Tori Kelly, Twenty One Pilots, A$AP Rocky, Demi Lovato, The Weeknd, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Pharrell Williams, Nicki Minaj and the hood rat stuff king of the playground Justin Bieber. Although, the Biebs got a ticket last night for driving his tricked-out Big Wheels too fast, so his dad Usher may ground him and refuse to let him perform. Miley Cyrus is supposedly going to close the show with a bunch of queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race, but by then, most of us will be busy chasing our livers around after they quit our bodies because they can’t take it anymore.

I may throw up a couple of VMAs posts tonight and tomorrow, Allison is helping me cover all the foolery. As for a drinking game, just take the biggest swig possible every time a presenter or winner opens their mouth to speak. There’s a 50/50 chance they’re going to say something eye roll-worthy, so you’re going to need a quick shot of booze to get you through it. I really can’t wait. I hope it’s a beautiful mess.

Speaking of a mess, here’s more of Frankie Grande Latte looking like a craft project on the wrong kind of crack. Do not show these pictures to your grandma, because she’ll be pissed that Frankie Grande Latte is wearing the same blazer she wore to your cousin’s wedding.

Pics: Getty

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Lindsay Lohan Is Still Living The Life

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.

This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?

Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.

Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.

Pic: Instagram

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