Archives: August 2015

Night Crumbs

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

This is Bryan Randall, the “super hot” photographer who is supposedly dating Sandra Bullock. Bryan Randall could be 2 feet tall, 300 pounds, have a Croc for a dick and have an actual butt for a face and he’d still be an upgrade from Jesse James Lainey Gossip 

Chelsea Handler looks like she’s trying to push out a stubborn fart – WWTDD

Kim Kartrashian may have successfully set the record for the most delusional shit said in one magazine interview – Reality Tea 

Ashley Madison’s CEO had many side pieces and he also recently stepped down. The good news is, now he has the time to pass his dick to the hos he meets on the site he used to be the CEO of – Celebitchy

Juliette Lewis’ nipples are in a magazine – (NSFW because of lady nipples) Drunken Stepfather

Subway allegedly knew that Subway Jared was a nasty pedo for a while but did nothing – The Superficial 

Miley Cyrus is just being Miley, which means she’s fucking whoever she wants and doesn’t have a full-time fuck partner right now – IDLYITW

This Tiny House is still bigger than many NYC apartments I’ve lived in and been in – Hollywood Tuna 

Emma Watson’s eyebrow game gets a B+ from me and it’d get a solid A if she used a Sharpie – Popoholic

Happy Friday, here’s Joe ManJello’s ass – OMG Blog

Happy Friday, again, here’s man nipples and cum gutters – The Berry 

I just found myself head bopping to a Justin Bieber song. I don’t deserve to be buried in a cemetery – Towleroad

Our Lady of Cheetos serving fashion forward future elegance, as usual – The Nip Slip

Adele may release a new album in November. Just in time to cry into your Pumpkin Spice Latte – HuffPo

THE GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD makes her grand return to Las Vegas – Popsugar

Joel Edgerton looks like he’s got a beaver resting on his belly, and I still would – Just Jared

Pic: YouTube

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Michael Fassbender And Alicia Vikander Might Break-Up Because He Won’t Stop Partying

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I always forget that Alicia Vikander, from Ex Machina and The Man from U.N.C.L.E., has been bouncing on Michael Fassbender’s extra meaty crotch hose for a little while, but she has. However, she may soon permanently get off of that ride, because she’s getting bored and sick of him always party hopping and guzzling down the sweet nectar. Oh, Alicia. You should’ve tried to make it work with Alexander Skarsgard. He’d spend every night with you and stroke your hair as he reads you Jackie Collins novels in Swedish while you nuzzle against his strong mighty viking dick. At least that’s what he and I do in the fanfics I write about us.

Alicia and Assbender have been together since last year after meeting on the set of their movie The Light Between Oceans in Australia. A source type tells Star that 26-year-old Alicia is close to dumping 38-year-old Assbender’s ass, because the party never stops with him.

“Alicia knows Michael likes to have his fun, but she had no idea just how much. With Michael, life is basically a 24-hour free-for-all. He’s constantly boozing, smoking cigarettes, hopping from one party to the next. He says he’s just having fun, but Alicia’s getting bored with it.”

Of course, Gossip Cop heard from a “source” that this is a lie.

If it’s true, I can’t understand it, why Michael wants to hurt Alicia. After all of the things she’s done for him. She buys him champagne and roses and diamonds on his finger. Diamonds on his finger. Still, he hangs out all night. What is she to do? Alicia’s man wants to party all the time. Party all the time. And yes, I just quoted an Eddie Murphy song. It’s Friday. Leave me alone!

Here’s the first picture of Assbender in Assassin’s Creed and pictures of Alicia walking in London.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, 20th Century Fox, FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By Ashton Kutcher’s Wet Spot

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s come to piss this. Here’s Ashton Kutcher struttin’ through LAX last night with a stage 2 Fergie on his pants. Either Ashton forgot to shake or he pissed himself when the paps asked him for his thoughts on the Ashley Madison hack. Who knows, but I do know that I’m totally e-mailing this post to my mom. Because the next time she hangs out with her sisters and they all brag about what their kids are up to, she can say with pride, “Aww, isn’t that cute. Well, my son posted pictures of Ashton Kutcher’s pee pee spot on his blog.”

Pics: Wenn.com

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Tila Tequila Has Already Been Kicked Out Of The Celebrity Big Brother House For Being A Hitler Sympathizer Once

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I just love it when a picture gives you several options for you to label as “My Thoughts Exactly.” Do you go with the thumbs down on the left or do you go with the bored lady on the right who’s thinking to herself, “This bitch bint.

For the next few weeks, every event in Hollywood will be severely lacking in A-list stars, because many of them are over in England doing Celebrity Big Brother. CBB is doing a UK vs. US theme this season and the American cast includes: Tila Tequila, Backdoor Farrah, Jenna Jameson, Daniel Baldwin, Austin Armacost (from The A-List: New York), Fatman Scoop and Janice Dickinson. I know, it’s amazing that the walls of the CBB house didn’t immediately topple over from the massive force of all of that star power. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, but the walls are feeling a little less pressure today, because Tila Tequila has been kicked out.

Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.

In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:

“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”

The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.

And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.

Pics: Splash, Getty

SeaWorld’s Brand Is Hurting Even More Thanks To Harry Styles

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:

The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.

Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.

SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.

First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.

Pic: Wenn.com

Blame Taylor Swift For This

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It seems like Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer have been friends for about six minutes, but I’m sure they have already made each other friendship bracelets in a dozens of colors and played at least 5 games of Dream Phone during a slumber party. They went on vacation together and are co-writing a movie. And last night, the BESTEST FWENDS IN DA WORLD danced onstage to “Uptown Girl” at Billy Joel’s show. Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She just threw the matching virgin blood vial pendants she made for herself and Jennifer Lawrence into the incinerator. PMK thought they were best friends.

Billy played Wrigley Field in Chicago last night and when he busted out “Uptown Girl,” Amy Schumer came out and did the dance she does in Trainwreck. A quick second later, Jennifer Lawrence joined her and they danced before getting on top of the piano.

This whole “Please Welcome To The Stage” bit is totally a thing now and everyone is going to do it. I just hope it all leads to the ultimate “Please Welcome To The Stage.” I hope that during her show at a county fair, Stacey Q will say the words, “Please welcome to the stage, my biggest fan KIMMY GIBBLER!That would be the only good thing to come out of this new trend.

And at first I thought that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer make sense as best friends and are perfect for each other. But then I changed my mind when I saw this video (WARNING: Pull out the Pepto-Bismol if the sight of foot love gives you the heaves.)

Amy Schumer isn’t Jennifer Lawrence’s soulmate, Quentin Tarantino is! QT, come and get your foot-loving soul sister.

Pic: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Went On A Naked Rampage After A Wedding In Italy

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.

Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.

The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’sThe Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)

A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.

Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.

P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.

Pic: Instagram

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