Archives: August 2015

Birthday Sluts

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Shania Twain (50)
Kyle Massey (24)
Andreja Pejić (24)
Cassadee Pope (26)
Armie Hammer (29)
Florence Welch (29)
Tanisha Thomas (30)
Sarah Roemer (31)
LeAnn Rimes (33)
Carly Pope (35)
Todd Eldredge (44)
Jack Black (46)
Jason Priestley (46)
Billy Boyd (47)
David Fincher (53)
Jennifer Coolidge (54)
Emma Samms (55)
Scott Hamilton (57)
Luis Guzmán (59)

Pic: Fanpop

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Night Crumbs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how Joanna Krupa of The Real Housewives of Miami (RIP) is suing Brandi Glanville, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, for saying that her pussy stinks like fermented herring sitting in an un-air conditioned subway car in the middle of August? Well, Brandi’s lawyers want Joanna to prove that her cooch doesn’t stink. Every lady justice statue must be crying out a single tear of pride today, because cases like this is why the legal system was created.  Reality Tea 

“How to break into the AFI Fest undetected” is what every Brangeloonie is Googling today since Brangelina’s By The Sea will open the festival – Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris fell asleep at a party and I’m really disappointed that nobody took the chance to destroy her by throwing a bucket of holy water on her – Drunken Stepfather

Ralph Lauren’s daughter (the one with the candy stores) used a surrogate to carry her babies, because she was too busy traveling the world and being the candy mogul she is – Celebitchy

Nick Cannon has a lot of shoes – WWTDD

I would say that Rita Ora and Miley Cyrus must share stylists, but I don’t know if Rita Ora can afford a stylist – The Superficial 

One of the Teen Wolf dudes went skateboarding in his chonies, because that’s what you gotta do for Instagram likes these days – Towleroad

And here’s some pictures to add to your “Hilary Duff Walking While Wearing Leggings” Tumblr – IDLYITW

FYI: Daniel Craig’s hangover cure is Pedialyte. Nice tip, Bond, but that doesn’t work for me. Although, maybe it’ll work for me if I drink it off of Daniel Craig’s body – Pajiba

Here’s Vanessa Hudgens dressed like a 6th grader on summer vacation in 1986 – Popoholic

John Oliver is back to show us Americans how great we are at geography – Hollywood Tuna 

If Donald Trump becomes President, this country may as well go full fuckery by having Charlie Sheen as our Vice President – SOW

The estate of the woman killed in the crash involving Caitlyn Jenner is being sued – Jezebel

I’m not sure if this dog really loves being in a hot tub or if he’s being cooked – The Berry 

Caitlyn Jenner is ready to date a man – Just Jared

Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are over for real and he’s moved on to a new piece – ICYDK

Lucy Liu had a baby friend via surrogate and she named him Rockwell. So she’s either a fan of Sam Rockwell, Norman Rockwell or she really wants her son’s first words to be “somebody’s watching me” – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Miley Cyrus Has Some Thoughts About Nicki Minaj’s VMAs Tweets

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.

When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…

When All Else Fails, Bust Out Those Moves

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

In L.A., car chases are a haypenny a dozen, so you really have to bring the fuckery hard to get your 15 seconds of infamy on the local news. This suspected car thief might have known that, because at the end of a car chase with police, she danced like the cameras were watching and like she didn’t have a care in the world (including getting tased or shot).

ABC 7 (via Uproxx) says that the Dancing Queen of the Streets allegedly stole a car and led police on a crazy chase through Downtown L.A. She ran red lights, weaved through traffic and was finally stopped when she ran over a spike strip. But instead of surrendering to the cops, the real-life Tammy got out of the car and gave the police a show by serving up a few moves to Future’sWhere Ya At?” She got back in the car and I’m guessing she was going to change the song and give the police a new flavor. The police didn’t want an encore, because they swarmed the car, pulled her out and arrested her. Way to stop the party, cops.

When I first saw her face, I thought that Isabella Cruise finally had enough of that Scientology shit and snapped.

In case it wasn’t already obvious to you, Future’s future back-up dancer was believed to have been under the influence of something. Yeah, under the influence of LIFE and Future!

I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Ellen DeGeneres will bring her on Ellen where Future will surprise her and she’ll get keys to her brand new 2016 Ford Focus!

GASP: Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Dress Was Off-The-Rack And Her Veil Came From J.Crew

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been over three weeks since Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux and not one picture of her wedding outfit has been released or “accidentally leaked.” Now we know why. Jennifer Aniston’s dress wasn’t an $80,000 custom couture gown and her veil had a J.Crew label on it. She’s obviously embarrassed! “Is bitch going poor? I should slip her a few hundreds during the money dance” is what guests said as she walked down the aisle in an off-the-rack wedding dress. It’s a good thing Goopy Paltrow wasn’t there. She would’ve fainted in her chair and her handmaiden doesn’t usually travel with a Baccarat crystal bottle full of artisanal smelling salts.

An Aniston “insider” tells UsWeekly that Jennifer bought her dress at a store and it didn’t cost the price of a new car.

The Friends alum, 46, who’s graced the most glorious red carpets wearing luxurious styles by Versace, John Galliano, and Saint Laurent, topped her knee-length frock with a veil from the popular chain store (whose veils typically sell for about $200).

Plus, the little white dress in question wasn’t super high-end, either. “Jen bought her dress at a store,” an Aniston insider shared. “It wasn’t thousands of dollars.”

Again, she bought her dress at a store. Who buys their wedding dress at a store?! Only poors, obviously. I can just picture the sad, sad scene. Jennifer walked into the store with dirt all over her face, picked out a dress and tried to pay for it using wooden coins, knocked-out silver fillings and a watch she swiped from a dude sleeping next to her on the bus. Will somebody please tell Jennifer’s agent to get her more endorsements, because she obviously doesn’t have enough of those if she’s buying a dress from a store. A store!

Here’s Jennifer shooting one of Gary Marshall’sDay” movies in Atlanta. He’s done Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve Day and now he’s doing Mother’s Day. Will he stop fooling around and give the people what they really want, which are movies about National Dog Day and International Penis Appreciation Day. By the way, these pictures were taken before the important news about Aniston wearing an off-the-rack wedding dress broke. She’s obviously in hiding now and refuses to show her face in public.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Usain Bolt Getting Knocked Over By A Segway

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If Usain Bolt was playing a game of charades with those who know me and the phrase he had to act out was, “What Michael K wishes he was doing every night of the week,” he and his partner definitely would’ve won. But that’s not what he was doing. Usain was freaking out because he was afraid that his career was over thanks to a stupid ass Segway. That really would’ve been a bitch.

After beating his competition in the 200 meter final at the World Championships in Beijing today, the human lightning bolt was strolling along the track barefoot when a cameraman on a Segway hit some shit, lost control and ran right into him. Bitch went down, did a somersault and then limped away. Just look at this bumbling buffoonery:

Mamma mia is right!

The good news for Usain is that his moneymakers are fine. Usain told reporters afterward that the Segway hit him in his calf area and he’s going to be okay. Can you imagine if that damn Segway messed up his ankles and took him out of the game forever? See, this is why the only highly-trained pilots who should be allowed to drive a Segway are Shauna Sand and Raven. They’re the only ones who can truly tame that two-wheeled beast.

Pic: Getty

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Anna Duggar’s Parents Are Even “More Extreme” Than The Duggars

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Josh Duggar checked into long-term treatment the other day after admitting that he cheated on his wife and after a porn star came forward claiming that she had rough, bareback sex with the Pillsbury Dough Douche. It turns out that the rehab facility Josh is in, is actually a Christian labor camp where he’ll spend the next few months studying the bible and doing labor. So, I’m guessing that a pastor type will scream “PORN IS BAD” at him while he makes a church pew out of plywood. So while he’s off becoming even more sexually repressed, his wife Anna Duggar has to raise their four kids without even thinking about looking at the exit door since she’s not allowed to leave.

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Miley Cyrus’ Pasties-Covered Titties Were On “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” Last Night

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

We’re just a few days away from the heads of One Million Moms popping off as Miley Cyrus uses a pineapple-shaped rhinestone strap-on to butt fuck a purple power bottom unicorn on stage at the MTV VMAs. So to promote her hosting gig, Miley went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night while looking like the LSD baby that Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock pushed out 9 months after having messy, sloppy LSD-fueled sex with a rainbow disco ball light from Spencer’s Gifts.

As soon as Miley sat down, she and Jimmy Kimmel started talking about her chipmunk chest dumplings since they’re always out. In case you didn’t already figure it out after the 1,985,986th time she put her hillbilly chichis on display in public, she’s really comfortable being topless and partly because it makes other people uncomfortable. When Miley met Paul McCartney, she was nervous about meeting him, but was comforted by him being uncomfortable with her tits being out. Sure, when Miley meets someone with her tits out, it’s considered a “cute ice breaker.” But when I meet someone with my pants off, the police are called, my name ends up on a list and I get a cleaning bill because everyone barfed on the floor.

Here’s Miley talking about the tits on her chest, the tit she calls pappy and America’s fear of the nipple:

I’m typing this from my Braille keyboard now, because when she said, “My dad would rather me not have my tits out all the time,” I side-eyed so hard that my eyeballs turned 180 degrees. Please, that gives Billy Ray Cyrus pride and if he had tits like Miley, he too would slap some pasties on ’em and jiggle ’em for Jimmy Kimmel. Why am I giving Billy Ray ideas?

Miley also did a segment where she disguised herself as an Australian reporter and asked people on the street what they think of Miley Cyrus. Click here to see it, but a warning to Australians, her accent may make your ear holes bleed Vegemite. Although, her Australian accent is still better than Quentin Tarantino’s Australian accent in Django Unchained.

And here’s Miley showing up to ABC Studios after committing a criminal act by stealing one of Soleil Moon Frye’s old Punky Brewster outfits.

Pics: Wenn.com

Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!

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Pics: Crocs via Uproxx

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