Archives: August 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Ashton Kutcher’s Wet Spot

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s come to piss this. Here’s Ashton Kutcher struttin’ through LAX last night with a stage 2 Fergie on his pants. Either Ashton forgot to shake or he pissed himself when the paps asked him for his thoughts on the Ashley Madison hack. Who knows, but I do know that I’m totally e-mailing this post to my mom. Because the next time she hangs out with her sisters and they all brag about what their kids are up to, she can say with pride, “Aww, isn’t that cute. Well, my son posted pictures of Ashton Kutcher’s pee pee spot on his blog.”

Pics: Wenn.com

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Tila Tequila Has Already Been Kicked Out Of The Celebrity Big Brother House For Being A Hitler Sympathizer Once

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I just love it when a picture gives you several options for you to label as “My Thoughts Exactly.” Do you go with the thumbs down on the left or do you go with the bored lady on the right who’s thinking to herself, “This bitch bint.

For the next few weeks, every event in Hollywood will be severely lacking in A-list stars, because many of them are over in England doing Celebrity Big Brother. CBB is doing a UK vs. US theme this season and the American cast includes: Tila Tequila, Backdoor Farrah, Jenna Jameson, Daniel Baldwin, Austin Armacost (from The A-List: New York), Fatman Scoop and Janice Dickinson. I know, it’s amazing that the walls of the CBB house didn’t immediately topple over from the massive force of all of that star power. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, but the walls are feeling a little less pressure today, because Tila Tequila has been kicked out.

Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.

In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:

“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”

The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.

And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.

Pics: Splash, Getty

SeaWorld’s Brand Is Hurting Even More Thanks To Harry Styles

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:

The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.

Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.

SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.

First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.

Pic: Wenn.com

Blame Taylor Swift For This

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It seems like Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer have been friends for about six minutes, but I’m sure they have already made each other friendship bracelets in a dozens of colors and played at least 5 games of Dream Phone during a slumber party. They went on vacation together and are co-writing a movie. And last night, the BESTEST FWENDS IN DA WORLD danced onstage to “Uptown Girl” at Billy Joel’s show. Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She just threw the matching virgin blood vial pendants she made for herself and Jennifer Lawrence into the incinerator. PMK thought they were best friends.

Billy played Wrigley Field in Chicago last night and when he busted out “Uptown Girl,” Amy Schumer came out and did the dance she does in Trainwreck. A quick second later, Jennifer Lawrence joined her and they danced before getting on top of the piano.

This whole “Please Welcome To The Stage” bit is totally a thing now and everyone is going to do it. I just hope it all leads to the ultimate “Please Welcome To The Stage.” I hope that during her show at a county fair, Stacey Q will say the words, “Please welcome to the stage, my biggest fan KIMMY GIBBLER!That would be the only good thing to come out of this new trend.

And at first I thought that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer make sense as best friends and are perfect for each other. But then I changed my mind when I saw this video (WARNING: Pull out the Pepto-Bismol if the sight of foot love gives you the heaves.)

Amy Schumer isn’t Jennifer Lawrence’s soulmate, Quentin Tarantino is! QT, come and get your foot-loving soul sister.

Pic: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Went On A Naked Rampage After A Wedding In Italy

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.

Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.

The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’sThe Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)

A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.

Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.

P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.

Pic: Instagram

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Glorianna Galicia, the mysterious chanteuse who takes you on an international journey of glamour, intrigue and thrill in her video for “Bond Girl.

The producers of the next James Bond movie Spectre have yet to announce any details about the movie’s theme song. Well, they should go ahead and throw their planned song in the trash. Because I’m sure that theme song has nothing on GG’s musical masterpiece “Bond Girl.” This MUST be the next Bond theme song.

The mystifying nightingale and trans beauty gracefully coos out a hypnotic tune about being a Bond Girl. And in the video, she does things with a green screen that have never been done before. The video has magic (see: the yellow towel appearing out of nowhere at the 0:24 mark), action (see: whatever is happening at the 2:28 mark), drama (see: her delivering a multi-layered performance while texting an important message to an operative at the 2:07 mark) and glamour (see: all of it). GG is also an impeccable actress. When she throws looks over yonder, you don’t know if she’s eyeing a figure in the shadows or if she’s admiring her own beauty in a mirror. Take it all in:

GG is our Bond Girl! GG is also my future screensaver. I really need to make a GIF screensaver of her pressing pause on a gunfight with the air to adjust her wig (at the 2:29 mark). A real Bond girl knows that beauty always comes first.

(For Andrew)

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Birthday Sluts

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Shania Twain (50)
Kyle Massey (24)
Andreja Pejić (24)
Cassadee Pope (26)
Armie Hammer (29)
Florence Welch (29)
Tanisha Thomas (30)
Sarah Roemer (31)
LeAnn Rimes (33)
Carly Pope (35)
Todd Eldredge (44)
Jack Black (46)
Jason Priestley (46)
Billy Boyd (47)
David Fincher (53)
Jennifer Coolidge (54)
Emma Samms (55)
Scott Hamilton (57)
Luis Guzmán (59)

Pic: Fanpop

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Night Crumbs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how Joanna Krupa of The Real Housewives of Miami (RIP) is suing Brandi Glanville, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, for saying that her pussy stinks like fermented herring sitting in an un-air conditioned subway car in the middle of August? Well, Brandi’s lawyers want Joanna to prove that her cooch doesn’t stink. Every lady justice statue must be crying out a single tear of pride today, because cases like this is why the legal system was created.  Reality Tea 

“How to break into the AFI Fest undetected” is what every Brangeloonie is Googling today since Brangelina’s By The Sea will open the festival – Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris fell asleep at a party and I’m really disappointed that nobody took the chance to destroy her by throwing a bucket of holy water on her – Drunken Stepfather

Ralph Lauren’s daughter (the one with the candy stores) used a surrogate to carry her babies, because she was too busy traveling the world and being the candy mogul she is – Celebitchy

Nick Cannon has a lot of shoes – WWTDD

I would say that Rita Ora and Miley Cyrus must share stylists, but I don’t know if Rita Ora can afford a stylist – The Superficial 

One of the Teen Wolf dudes went skateboarding in his chonies, because that’s what you gotta do for Instagram likes these days – Towleroad

And here’s some pictures to add to your “Hilary Duff Walking While Wearing Leggings” Tumblr – IDLYITW

FYI: Daniel Craig’s hangover cure is Pedialyte. Nice tip, Bond, but that doesn’t work for me. Although, maybe it’ll work for me if I drink it off of Daniel Craig’s body – Pajiba

Here’s Vanessa Hudgens dressed like a 6th grader on summer vacation in 1986 – Popoholic

John Oliver is back to show us Americans how great we are at geography – Hollywood Tuna 

If Donald Trump becomes President, this country may as well go full fuckery by having Charlie Sheen as our Vice President – SOW

The estate of the woman killed in the crash involving Caitlyn Jenner is being sued – Jezebel

I’m not sure if this dog really loves being in a hot tub or if he’s being cooked – The Berry 

Caitlyn Jenner is ready to date a man – Just Jared

Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are over for real and he’s moved on to a new piece – ICYDK

Lucy Liu had a baby friend via surrogate and she named him Rockwell. So she’s either a fan of Sam Rockwell, Norman Rockwell or she really wants her son’s first words to be “somebody’s watching me” – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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