Archives: August 2015

Coco And Ice-T Are Giving Their Baby A Name As Luxurious And Elegant As Them

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Last week, we all breathed a sigh of relief after finding out that the future of sophistication is looking bright thanks to Coco being pregnant with her first child. Coco and Ice-T announced on their talk show that the heir to their kingdom of elegance is currently growing in her body. Well, Coco and Ice-T are continuing to get those ratings by dropping details of their unborn baby on their show. On today’s show, Coco and Ice-T told everyone that their first child together is a girl and they even announced her name.

I was really, really hoping that Coco (born name: Nicole Natalie Austin) and Ice-T (born name: Tracy Lauren Marrow) would stick with their family’s beverage name theme by naming their bundle of baby Bacardi Breezer T or Pearl Milk T. But they’re not doing that. Coco and Ice-T have decided that their family needs to completely pay homage to Coco Chanel so they are naming their daughter CHANEL. Most of the Chanels I have met are white Pomeranians, but I once knew a woman whose name was Chanel and she only sang Spice Girls songs at karaoke and I never saw her without a Swarovski stick-on crystal tattoo on her arm. So Chanel T is in good company.

Here’s the clip of Coco and Ice-T announcing that she’s pregnant with a Chanel:

If you watched the rest of that clip then you saw Coco show off her stomach while asking everyone to guess how far along she is. Coco is 21 weeks, so that’s everyone’s cue to scream, “OHMYGAWD NO WAY!” But please, we all know that Coco’s fetus isn’t growing in her stomach area. Her fetus is obviously growing in her ass cheeks. I mean, why live in a studio apartment (read: Coco’s womb) for 9 months when you can live in a sprawling, 8,000 square foot mansion with cathedral ceilings (read: her ass)?

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Brit Brit Spears May Be Under A Conservatorship For The Rest Of Her Life

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.

The Duggars Begging For Money On YouTube

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The Duggars have said before that even though they have 4,598,874 mouths to feed, they are debt-free and have never needed TLC’s checks to support their army. Jim Bob Duggar claimed he supported his family through real estate shit and Michelle Duggar has forever claimed that they live on the cheap by making their own laundry detergent, etc… Well, both Radar and OK! Magazine seem to think that the Duggars are broke, because they have put their empty hands out on YouTube and are asking their followers for coins. I guess tater tot casserole just isn’t the same when you can’t afford tater tots and have to instead use dirty Styrofoam peanuts you found while dumpster diving.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For July 31st!

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Jerry, I’ve told you a million times: I don’t care what you wear to work, but you have to put on the hair net. – Unify Normal

Upvote winner:

“This is how much sausage I want…

Sir, I can’t sell you an inch of sausage...” – sushicat

Full nalgas is very safe for my work (so is full dick, etc…), but just in case it’s not for yours, the uncensored pic is after the cut.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

hitchBOT, the hitchhiking robot from Canada who was too good for America!

I can probably count the posthumous Hot Slut of the Days on two hands and I’m adding another one, because this slut is too hot to not honor. hitchBOT was born from Canadian social scientists Frauke Zeller and David Harris Smith who created the hitchiking and talking robot to start a discussion “about trust, notions of safety, and about our attitude towards technology.” The way it worked was, they dropped hitchBOT off at a spot with a sign and off it went. Whoever picked up hitchBOT would document its travels.

CBC says that last summer, hitchBOT made it all around Canada as it traveled from Halifax to Victoria. Nothing bad happened to its ass. The only time it was in trouble was when its hard drive nearly exploded from hearing a Canadian apologize to it for nothing for the 17 million time. But other than that, hitchBOT had the time of its life! So in February of this year, they dropped it off in Germany and it made its way through most of the country. Nothing bad happened to its ass in Germany either and I heard it even got to titty fuck Micaela Schäfer. hitchBOT followed up its trip through Germany with a trip through the Netherlands. Again, nothing bad happened to its ass. Well, on July 17th, hitchBOT tried to break America and started its journey in Boston and its creators were hoping it would make it all the way to San Francisco. It didn’t even make it halfway.

hitchBOT’s travel through the US came to an end in Philadelphia on Saturday night when it was beat up and beheaded. Goddammit, Americans! We just had ONE job and that was to take care of a Canadian robot friend and we couldn’t even do that! DAMN US ALL TO HELL!

hitchBOT was last seen by YouTuber Jesse Wellens who dropped it off at a street corner. It was later found looking like this (aka like you this morning):

hitchBOT’s creators released this statement after they learned that it had been destroyed by some barbarian ass Americans!

hitchBOT’s trip came to an end last night in Philadelphia after having spent a little over two weeks hitchhiking and visiting sites in Boston, Salem, Gloucester, Marblehead, and New York City. Unfortunately, hitchBOT was vandalized overnight in Philadelphia; sometimes bad things happen to good robots. We know that many of hitchBOT’s fans will be disappointed, but we want them to be assured that this great experiment is not over. For now we will focus on the question “what can be learned from this?” and explore future adventures for robots and humans.

Oh, America, treating that Canadian like his first name is Justin and his last name is Bieber. How dreadful. I guess America’s tagline is: Ass, Gas, or Cash (No One Rides For Free.)

Now when the robot revolution happens, the US will be the first country hit, because they know how we feel about them. But I just want the robots to know that I’ve totally fapped to Terminator a couple of times. (So spare me!)

Pic: Reuters

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Birthday Sluts

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Martin Sheen (75)
Karlie Kloss (23)
Jourdan Dunn (25)
Charlotte Casiraghi (29)
Ryan Lochte (31)
Mamie Gummer (32)
Hannah Simone (35)
Evangeline Lilly (36)
Tom Brady (38)
Michael Ealy (42)
Spinderella (44)
James Hetfield (52)
Mike Holmes (52)
Isaiah Washington (52)
Lisa Ann Walter (52)
John C. McGinley (56)
Jay North (64)
John Landis (65)
Martha Stewart (74)
Tony Bennett (89)

Pic: Warner Bros.

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Open Post: Hosted By The New Ghostbusters Visiting A Children’s Hospital

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

When I was a kid, I was in the hospital a couple times, and all of them were pretty shitty. One time I was in a hospital that only served lemon Jell-O (sick). Another time I peed on the floor because I was too weak to pull my IV pole to the bathroom. Then my nurse came in, saw the piss, got mad, and turned off the TV as punishment (which was a next-level bitch move, because I was already 45 minutes deep into a Back to the Future marathon).

What I’m trying to get at is that being a kid in the hospital sucks, but the ladies from the all-lady Ghostbusters reboot/remake/whatever made it a little bit better by visiting the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center on Saturday. E! says that Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon showed up in their Ghostbusters costumes and spent the day visiting with patients. Of course, some assholes are still salty about the all-lady Ghostbusters, and so they ripped a bunch of anger-scented internet farts on the pictures Tufts posted to their Facebook page from the visit. Tufts then swatted back by posting a Facebook note saying that they’d be yanking down any “profanity.

All the “profanity” has since been deleted, so we don’t really know what was said. But if I had to guess, I’m sure one of the comments was from a user named J. Bieber that said: “When the fuck did I hang out with three of the lady Ghostbusters?

Pics: Facebook

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False Alarm: Channing Tatum Is Still Doing That Gambit Movie

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Good news for those of you who were really excited about the possibility of hearing lovable mumbling doofus Channing Tatum completely butcher a Cajun accent (raises hand). Last week, there were whispers going around that Channing Tatum was doing a slow shuffle towards the exit door in regards to the role of Gambit in that upcoming Gambit movie. I assumed it was because he kept referring to the playing cards thrown by Gambit as “the Go Fish game” or getting too distracted by the Jacks (“Dude, I don’t know why they’re called Jacks; they’re not that jacked“), but it was really just negotiation problems.

However, according to The Hollywood Reporter, those whispers were dipped in lies, because Channing Tatum isn’t walking away from Gambit. THR says that Channing Tatum and Fox worked out any problems he had with his contract, like backend compensation, and he’s officially signed on. Somewhere in a place where hot dudes hang out, Taylor Kitsch just got really bummed out and asked another hot dude for a hot dude hug.

This is absolutely wonderful news, because there is no one else in this world who is more perfect for the part of Gambit. In case you’re not familiar, Gambit is a mutant from New Orleans who is constantly in DTF mode. He’s basically that guy who spends all of Mardi Gras trying to get laid by calling every girl he sees “Mon Chérie” and asking if they’d like to touch his abs. Hell, I’d be willing to bet that Gambit has busted out some mutant stripper moves to Ginuwine’s “Pony” while throwing electrified cards with his phone number and dick size written on them. Channing Tatum isn’t Gambit; Gambit is Channing Tatum.

Here’s the real-life Gambit at something called The Dizzy Feet Foundation Gala yesterday with his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Adam Shankman.

Pics: Wenn.com

Ashlee Simpson’s New Baby Has A Name

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because  = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.

UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:

A photo posted by @ashleesimpsonross on

Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.

Maybe it’s because I’m from Canada, but Jagger, Snow, & Ross totally sounds like a personal injury lawyer who specializes in snowmobile accidents. “Side-swiped a moose? Ran over a hidden mailbox? Call Jagger, Snow, & Ross at 1-888-SORRY-EH.

Pic: Wenn.com

Bobby Brown’s Wife Was Rushed To The Hospital After Bobbi Kristina’s Funeral

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d say that I’m shocked to learn that things got even more dramatic after Bobbi Kristina Brown’s already very dramatic funeral, but…that would be a lie. And I’m far too bloated from all the cream-covered fruit fermenting in my stomach from yesterday’s National Raspberry Cream Pie Day festivities to be nothing less than totally honest with myself.

A “source” (Bobbi Kristina’s loudmouth aunt Leolah Brown, probably) tells TMZ that Bobby Brown’s wife Alicia Etheredge was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure shortly after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral in Atlanta yesterday. Alicia, who gave birth to Bobby’s baby less than a month ago, had just returned to her hotel when it happened. Alicia was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and she was apparently able to walk when she arrived. TMZ says Bobby B was with her.

Speaking of Aunt Leolah, remember how she had to be escorted out of Bobbi Kristina’s funeral yesterday because she was acting the fool? Well, Bobbi Kristina’s cousin Meeta Brown would like you to know that Leolah Brown is “crazy.” Meeta talked to the paps after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral (you know, as one does) and spilled the T about Aunt Leolah. According to Meeta Brown’s repeated use of the word “crazy“, combined with her constantly rolling eyes and chronic “I can’t with her” face, Aunt Leolah is a mess. She also claimed that the Browns and the Houstons don’t hate each other. Yuh huh. Sure.

But back to Alicia Etheredge. It’s awful that she spent her post-funeral time in the hospital and not back in her hotel room eating snacks from the mini-fridge while watching a Flip or Flop marathon until she felt less sad (aka how I cheer up after a sad day). Especially for something as scary as a seizure. But I guess the silver lining here is that she no longer had to deal with Aunt Leolah. I don’t even know if they were staying in the same hotel, but it doesn’t matter; Aunt Leolah totally sounds like the type to find your room and bang on your door at 3am asking in a whispered yell if you have any extra towels.

Pic: Splash/INF

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