Archives: August 2015

Kim Kartrashian’s Koffee Table Book Flopped

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.

A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.

That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)

What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.

It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!

Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, INFPhoto.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Shirtless Stephen Amell And A Shirtless Jared Padalecki

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephen Amell of Arrow and Jared PatAndLickMe of Supernatural got topless this past weekend to raise straight lady clits and gay dicks. They also did it to raise awareness for Jared’s charity campaign Always Keep Fighting, which supports people struggling with depression. Well, Stephen Amell’s nipples do have the power to bring some of us out of the sads for a minute, so I’m sure it’s working.

Always Keep Fighting is selling t-shirts and I guess Jared knows that there’s no better way to promote that shit than to get topless with the Green Arrow. They posted these pictures on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and added the note:

Stephen Amell and I lost our shirts frown emoticon Maybe we should grab one from the represent.com/Jared relaunch!!! Only 2 days!!!!

I cannot wait to see the picture they post when Always Keep Fighting starts selling chonies.

optoplessforacause2

Pics: @jarpad, @amelladventures

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Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Are Possibly Getting A Divorce: Take 4,591,987

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Now that the tabloids have successfully called the end of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage (hey, it only took them 5 years and 498 covers stories to do so), they can go back to focusing on the demise of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 17-year-old union. Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year, but Radar says that it’s definitely happening this time. I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.

Radar’s source says that Will and Jada’s marriage has been on its death bed for a while, but whenever they’re out in public, they act like they’re still hungry for each other’s genitals. They’re apparently tired of pretending like their circle of infinite love is still intact, so they’ve decided to end it for once and for all. They’ve already told their kids and plan to tell everyone else at the end of the summer. The source put it like this:

“For Will and Jada, holding it together these past few years has been tough because their marriage has been on life support for a long time. They’re exhausted from trying to maintain the façade of a happy union. They’ve decided to pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner, [and] agree announcing their split at the end of the summer is the right move.

[They have already] worked out a confidential settlement to protect their $240 million fortune, and prepared their kids [son Jaden, 17, and daughter Willow, 14] for the fallout.”

Meanwhile, Gossip Cop says Radar’s story is lies wrapped in fallacies. (UPDATE: Will Smith also spit at the divorce rumors on Facebook.)

If this is true, then I have a few questions. Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?! How many of their alleged side whores will sell a story about their open marriage to the tabloids? And more importantly, how will we overwork our eye rolling muscle if Will and Jada are over and she can no longer go on about how her pussy turns into a strung out crackhead with the shakes if it doesn’t get at least one daily injection from her husband’s dick?

Pic: Wenn.com

Coco And Ice-T Are Giving Their Baby A Name As Luxurious And Elegant As Them

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Last week, we all breathed a sigh of relief after finding out that the future of sophistication is looking bright thanks to Coco being pregnant with her first child. Coco and Ice-T announced on their talk show that the heir to their kingdom of elegance is currently growing in her body. Well, Coco and Ice-T are continuing to get those ratings by dropping details of their unborn baby on their show. On today’s show, Coco and Ice-T told everyone that their first child together is a girl and they even announced her name.

I was really, really hoping that Coco (born name: Nicole Natalie Austin) and Ice-T (born name: Tracy Lauren Marrow) would stick with their family’s beverage name theme by naming their bundle of baby Bacardi Breezer T or Pearl Milk T. But they’re not doing that. Coco and Ice-T have decided that their family needs to completely pay homage to Coco Chanel so they are naming their daughter CHANEL. Most of the Chanels I have met are white Pomeranians, but I once knew a woman whose name was Chanel and she only sang Spice Girls songs at karaoke and I never saw her without a Swarovski stick-on crystal tattoo on her arm. So Chanel T is in good company.

Here’s the clip of Coco and Ice-T announcing that she’s pregnant with a Chanel:

If you watched the rest of that clip then you saw Coco show off her stomach while asking everyone to guess how far along she is. Coco is 21 weeks, so that’s everyone’s cue to scream, “OHMYGAWD NO WAY!” But please, we all know that Coco’s fetus isn’t growing in her stomach area. Her fetus is obviously growing in her ass cheeks. I mean, why live in a studio apartment (read: Coco’s womb) for 9 months when you can live in a sprawling, 8,000 square foot mansion with cathedral ceilings (read: her ass)?

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Brit Brit Spears May Be Under A Conservatorship For The Rest Of Her Life

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.

The Duggars Begging For Money On YouTube

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The Duggars have said before that even though they have 4,598,874 mouths to feed, they are debt-free and have never needed TLC’s checks to support their army. Jim Bob Duggar claimed he supported his family through real estate shit and Michelle Duggar has forever claimed that they live on the cheap by making their own laundry detergent, etc… Well, both Radar and OK! Magazine seem to think that the Duggars are broke, because they have put their empty hands out on YouTube and are asking their followers for coins. I guess tater tot casserole just isn’t the same when you can’t afford tater tots and have to instead use dirty Styrofoam peanuts you found while dumpster diving.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For July 31st!

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Jerry, I’ve told you a million times: I don’t care what you wear to work, but you have to put on the hair net. – Unify Normal

Upvote winner:

“This is how much sausage I want…

Sir, I can’t sell you an inch of sausage...” – sushicat

Full nalgas is very safe for my work (so is full dick, etc…), but just in case it’s not for yours, the uncensored pic is after the cut.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

hitchBOT, the hitchhiking robot from Canada who was too good for America!

I can probably count the posthumous Hot Slut of the Days on two hands and I’m adding another one, because this slut is too hot to not honor. hitchBOT was born from Canadian social scientists Frauke Zeller and David Harris Smith who created the hitchiking and talking robot to start a discussion “about trust, notions of safety, and about our attitude towards technology.” The way it worked was, they dropped hitchBOT off at a spot with a sign and off it went. Whoever picked up hitchBOT would document its travels.

CBC says that last summer, hitchBOT made it all around Canada as it traveled from Halifax to Victoria. Nothing bad happened to its ass. The only time it was in trouble was when its hard drive nearly exploded from hearing a Canadian apologize to it for nothing for the 17 million time. But other than that, hitchBOT had the time of its life! So in February of this year, they dropped it off in Germany and it made its way through most of the country. Nothing bad happened to its ass in Germany either and I heard it even got to titty fuck Micaela Schäfer. hitchBOT followed up its trip through Germany with a trip through the Netherlands. Again, nothing bad happened to its ass. Well, on July 17th, hitchBOT tried to break America and started its journey in Boston and its creators were hoping it would make it all the way to San Francisco. It didn’t even make it halfway.

hitchBOT’s travel through the US came to an end in Philadelphia on Saturday night when it was beat up and beheaded. Goddammit, Americans! We just had ONE job and that was to take care of a Canadian robot friend and we couldn’t even do that! DAMN US ALL TO HELL!

hitchBOT was last seen by YouTuber Jesse Wellens who dropped it off at a street corner. It was later found looking like this (aka like you this morning):

hitchBOT’s creators released this statement after they learned that it had been destroyed by some barbarian ass Americans!

hitchBOT’s trip came to an end last night in Philadelphia after having spent a little over two weeks hitchhiking and visiting sites in Boston, Salem, Gloucester, Marblehead, and New York City. Unfortunately, hitchBOT was vandalized overnight in Philadelphia; sometimes bad things happen to good robots. We know that many of hitchBOT’s fans will be disappointed, but we want them to be assured that this great experiment is not over. For now we will focus on the question “what can be learned from this?” and explore future adventures for robots and humans.

Oh, America, treating that Canadian like his first name is Justin and his last name is Bieber. How dreadful. I guess America’s tagline is: Ass, Gas, or Cash (No One Rides For Free.)

Now when the robot revolution happens, the US will be the first country hit, because they know how we feel about them. But I just want the robots to know that I’ve totally fapped to Terminator a couple of times. (So spare me!)

Pic: Reuters

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Birthday Sluts

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Martin Sheen (75)
Karlie Kloss (23)
Jourdan Dunn (25)
Charlotte Casiraghi (29)
Ryan Lochte (31)
Mamie Gummer (32)
Hannah Simone (35)
Evangeline Lilly (36)
Tom Brady (38)
Michael Ealy (42)
Spinderella (44)
James Hetfield (52)
Mike Holmes (52)
Isaiah Washington (52)
Lisa Ann Walter (52)
John C. McGinley (56)
Jay North (64)
John Landis (65)
Martha Stewart (74)
Tony Bennett (89)

Pic: Warner Bros.

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