Archives: August 2015

Open Post: Hosted By This Pom’s Muppet Sneeze

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ve been told that my sneezes could bring a trick out of a coma from 10,000 miles away and that my sneezes should come with a government warning. But my sneezes have absolutely nothing on the sneeze this little ball of white fluff from Louisiana sneezed out. Roux, who has an Instagram page because what Pomeranian doesn’t, was caught on camera blowing out a sneeze that is bigger than him. You know it’s going to be the kind of sneeze that’ll leave a mark on the walls, because he prepares by doing that pre-sneeze head bob and then he lets it blow.

So many times when you sneeze, you think to yourself, “All that build-up for that anti-climactic shit?” But that wasn’t one of those sneezes. Roux probably had a cigarette and a Calgon bath after that one.

Seriously, Roux’s Curly from The Three Stooges impression is spot-on and now I really want to hear him say “soitenly!”

via Boing Boing


Bobbi Kristina Brown’s Family Brought The Expected Level Of Trashy To Her Funeral

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The casket of Bobbi Kristina Brown arrives at the church for her funeral in Atlanta, Georgia.

Pictured: General View
Ref: SPL1092492 010815

Picture by:


Bobbi Kristina Brown’s funeral featured her aunt being forcibly removed for interrupting the eulogy and relatives acting to bar other relatives from taking pictures of Bobbi in her coffin. That’s nice. Wherever she is, Nippy is not amused.

Bobbi Kristina’s aunt Leolah Brown reportedly thought it was appropriate to rise during Bobbi’s other aunt Pat Houston’s speech and start screaming shit. This is not a wedding, Auntie Leolah. No one asked for your input.

(via TMZ)

An eyewitness tells TMZ, Pat Houston was getting ready to speak when Leolah began screaming, “Pat you know you are wrong for this!”

Security, with the help of Madea (Tyler Perry), escorted her ass out. Inappropriate Auntie Leolah was said to be upset over Pat Houston asking that condolences be sent to a specified charity instead of flowers.

In other “Hatfields and McCoys 2015″ news via TMZ, the messy Brown family was reportedly on high alert to prevent the messy Houston family from taking a pic of Bobbi in her casket and selling it. A picture of Bobbi’s mom, Whitney Houston, was taken and sold to a magazine in 2012. The Browns, who were not welcome at Whitney’s services, have assumed that it was the Houstons who were responsible.

If there’s one time people should shut the fuck up and put aside their shit (and their thirst for $$$), it’s someone’s funeral. Save it for Christmas. Save it for the christening. Save it for when my mom’s new boyfriend pulled up to our first time meeting him with his shirt open to his navel and finishing up a can of Bud. (That really happened.)

Photo credit:

Chris Hemsworth Was Too Big For His Initial Stunt Penis

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Chris Hemsworth sports a giant fake cock in his scenes for that wholly unnecessary Vacation remake/sequel. Vulture reports that he was too big and brawny in the bod to successfully model the 8-incher.

I feel like a complete imposter writing this post because if Michael K is anything, he is a dickpig of the highest order. He’s basically the Dickpig-In-Chief. Michael’s got wang on the brain all the live long day. So when a story comes up that contains so many references to dick…I just feel like he’s the only ho to do it justice. But alas, he takes his well-deserved weekends off. So you dick post fans are stuck with me. I’ll try my hardest. That was intentional.

Thor plays Ed Helms’ brother-in-law in the flick and he walks around in his underwear, bearing a massive cock outline. The writers/directors John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein say that the whole process of finding the proper fake dick was arduous. They had a stand-in model several dicks, and it made everyone uncomfortable. This is a movie where the family swims in shit, so that’s odd.

When they had narrowed it down to an 8-inch stunt schlong and a 10-inch stunt schlong, Thor was called in to model them. Uncomfortability (is that even a word) can get fucked, because I would be so in on that fitting. Here, Chris, let me help you adjust it.

If you also consider yourself a dickpig, follow the jump for more celebrity fake penis info and some screen caps of the false penis in question.


Jared The Subway Guy Reportedly Claimed To Have Paid A 16-Year-Old For Sex

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Do I have time to drive the hour and a half to visit my mom so she can give me a reassuring hug and tell me it’s going to be ok before I blog about this nasty mess? Maybe she can make a roast beef, too. That’s always comforting. The FBI have reportedly subpoenaed an affidavit containing texts between Jared Fogle and a former Subway franchise owner in which he claims to have paid a 16-year-old for sex. Even Tyga just made an appalled face.

According to Business Insider, the former franchise’s attorney is the one spilling the tea. Jared and the Subway owner were supposedly in a sexual relationship when they exchanged some really fucked-up sexts in the spring and summer of 2008.

Jared urged the anonymous woman in question to sell her ass on Craigslist for $500 a pop and to let him watch. Worse, he urged her to hook him up with her underaged (at the time) cousin.


A Particularly Brave Sicilian Judge Gave Naomi Campbell Jail Time

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

St. Angie doesn’t dare breathe a word about Nay Nay jacking her leg game. Judge Theydidn’tgivehisname-ini made two mistakes in sentencing crazed supermodel Naomi Campbell to jail. Mistake the first is giving Naomi Campbell any sort of punishment in the first place. She’s a megalomaniacal rage person and he’s totally on her shit list now. That is a place you don’t want to be. Mistake the second happened when he gave her a suspended sentence! You’re gonna dare to interrupt Naomi’s glamorous life with some consequences and then not jail her crazy ass?

Famed anger management fail Campbell received a six-month suspended sentence for injuring paparazzo Gaetano Di Giovanni in August of 2009. Campbell and her then boyfriend Vladimir Doronin were sight-seeing on the Sicilian island of Lipari when Giovanni papped them. Fool! The snarly Nay Nay immediately hit him in the face with her handbag, and scratched his eye. Di Giovanni had to seek medical treatment and was out of work for three days.

(via E! Online)

“I had just started taking some shots of her and I did not expect such a violent reaction,” he said in 2013, after Campbell was ordered to stand trial in Italy, according to the Telegraph.

Did I already type “fool?” Di Giovanni had actually withdrawn the charges after their lawyers worked out an agreement. But the prosecutor went forward with the case anyway due to the “intensity of the crime.” They call that intense? Dude is lucky his eyeball wasn’t rolling in the street like a tumbleweed. She was obviously having an off day.

Campbell’s attorney has vowed to appeal the sentence. Do they have witness protection in Sicily? They must with Cosa Nostra and all, right? If not, the judge and the prosecutor better book some appointments for some major plastic surgery. And put their families in wigs. Nay Nay doesn’t forget and she sure as hell doesn’t forgive. Ask Cuba or that model with the eyebrows. A scratched eye ain’t shit compared to having a diamond-encrusted smartphone surgically removed from your anal cavity.

Check out more pics of Nasty Naomi Campbell arriving at a Vogue event in Paris last month in the gallery below.

Photo credit: WENN


Charlize Theron Adopted Another Baby

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

If anyone was wondering why the beautiful and momentarily dickmatized Charlize Theron and desiccated anal gland Sean Penn broke up, here you go. TMZ reports that Imperator Furiosa adopted an African-American girl child from here in the States last month. She’s named the infant August. As far as asshole celebrity baby-names go, that’s not bad. It’s not Williamsburg Jacuzzi but it’s not Jennifer either. It’ll do. Is the baby named August because that’s when Charlize’s publicist broke the news? That’s kind of uninspired but hey, Charlize is probably really busy.

This is oddly concurrent with Penn looking for a day-old black baby for his movie. Do you think he had somehow used his hypno-peen to whammy her into adopting the type of baby he wanted just for a scene in his movie? And she finally broke his spell and busted out of his humidor crotch to save that impending adopted child? Or maybe she just realized pompous, angry, and naugahyde wasn’t the look for a dad.

Check out more pics of Charlize Theron looking incredibly thrilled to be papped while arriving at LAX yesterday in the gallery below.

Photo credit: WENN


Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Disco Boy! And yes, I guess Sharpie-written messages on man chests is today’s theme.

Now, my idea of entertaining truckers is TOTALLY different than Disco Boy’s idea of entertaining truckers. Disco Boy (born name: Lee Marshall) considers himself a prankster/entertainer, but he’s also a saint, because he strips down to his panties and entertains the lorry drivers (that’s British for tuckers) in Operation Stack. Operation Stack isn’t only the name that Kim Kartrashian’s plastic surgeons call the procedure where they stack several silicone implants in her ass. It’s also the name of a procedure where truckers have to park on the M20 motorway. Wikipedia explains it like this:

Operation Stack is a procedure used by Kent Police and the Port of Dover in England to park (or “stack”) lorries on the M20 motorway in Kent when services across the English Channel, such as those through the Channel Tunnel or from the Port of Dover, are disrupted, for example by bad weather, industrial action, fire or derailments in the tunnel.

Kent Online says that on Monday night, Disco Boy set up a party in the Roundhill Tunnel during Operation Stack and brought some sex, hot moves, talent, charisma, sex and more hot moves to the lives of the lorry drivers who had to park. Get high on those car fumes, Disco Boy, and serve it up:

Those moves… It looks like he’s riding an invisible bike. But really, if you got to see this hot piece rave extravaganza while stuck in traffic, you’d want to be stuck in traffic every second of the day!

(For the one and only Bradiful Bitch)


Birthday Sluts

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Jason Momoa (36)
Jack O’Connell (25)
Max Carver (27)
Elijah Kelley (29)
Ashley Parker Angel (34)
Zac Brown (37)
Tempestt Bledsoe (42)
Roshumba Williams (47)
James St. James (49)
Sam Mendes (50)
Adam Duritz (51)
John Carroll Lynch (52)
Coolio (52)
Demián Bichir (52)
Chuck D (55)
Joe Elliott (56)
Giancarlo Giannini (73)

Pic: Instagram


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