Archives: August 2015

When All Else Fails, Bust Out Those Moves

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

In L.A., car chases are a haypenny a dozen, so you really have to bring the fuckery hard to get your 15 seconds of infamy on the local news. This suspected car thief might have known that, because at the end of a car chase with police, she danced like the cameras were watching and like she didn’t have a care in the world (including getting tased or shot).

ABC 7 (via Uproxx) says that the Dancing Queen of the Streets allegedly stole a car and led police on a crazy chase through Downtown L.A. She ran red lights, weaved through traffic and was finally stopped when she ran over a spike strip. But instead of surrendering to the cops, the real-life Tammy got out of the car and gave the police a show by serving up a few moves to Future’sWhere Ya At?” She got back in the car and I’m guessing she was going to change the song and give the police a new flavor. The police didn’t want an encore, because they swarmed the car, pulled her out and arrested her. Way to stop the party, cops.

When I first saw her face, I thought that Isabella Cruise finally had enough of that Scientology shit and snapped.

In case it wasn’t already obvious to you, Future’s future back-up dancer was believed to have been under the influence of something. Yeah, under the influence of LIFE and Future!

I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Ellen DeGeneres will bring her on Ellen where Future will surprise her and she’ll get keys to her brand new 2016 Ford Focus!

GASP: Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Dress Was Off-The-Rack And Her Veil Came From J.Crew

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been over three weeks since Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux and not one picture of her wedding outfit has been released or “accidentally leaked.” Now we know why. Jennifer Aniston’s dress wasn’t an $80,000 custom couture gown and her veil had a J.Crew label on it. She’s obviously embarrassed! “Is bitch going poor? I should slip her a few hundreds during the money dance” is what guests said as she walked down the aisle in an off-the-rack wedding dress. It’s a good thing Goopy Paltrow wasn’t there. She would’ve fainted in her chair and her handmaiden doesn’t usually travel with a Baccarat crystal bottle full of artisanal smelling salts.

An Aniston “insider” tells UsWeekly that Jennifer bought her dress at a store and it didn’t cost the price of a new car.

The Friends alum, 46, who’s graced the most glorious red carpets wearing luxurious styles by Versace, John Galliano, and Saint Laurent, topped her knee-length frock with a veil from the popular chain store (whose veils typically sell for about $200).

Plus, the little white dress in question wasn’t super high-end, either. “Jen bought her dress at a store,” an Aniston insider shared. “It wasn’t thousands of dollars.”

Again, she bought her dress at a store. Who buys their wedding dress at a store?! Only poors, obviously. I can just picture the sad, sad scene. Jennifer walked into the store with dirt all over her face, picked out a dress and tried to pay for it using wooden coins, knocked-out silver fillings and a watch she swiped from a dude sleeping next to her on the bus. Will somebody please tell Jennifer’s agent to get her more endorsements, because she obviously doesn’t have enough of those if she’s buying a dress from a store. A store!

Here’s Jennifer shooting one of Gary Marshall’sDay” movies in Atlanta. He’s done Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve Day and now he’s doing Mother’s Day. Will he stop fooling around and give the people what they really want, which are movies about National Dog Day and International Penis Appreciation Day. By the way, these pictures were taken before the important news about Aniston wearing an off-the-rack wedding dress broke. She’s obviously in hiding now and refuses to show her face in public.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Usain Bolt Getting Knocked Over By A Segway

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If Usain Bolt was playing a game of charades with those who know me and the phrase he had to act out was, “What Michael K wishes he was doing every night of the week,” he and his partner definitely would’ve won. But that’s not what he was doing. Usain was freaking out because he was afraid that his career was over thanks to a stupid ass Segway. That really would’ve been a bitch.

After beating his competition in the 200 meter final at the World Championships in Beijing today, the human lightning bolt was strolling along the track barefoot when a cameraman on a Segway hit some shit, lost control and ran right into him. Bitch went down, did a somersault and then limped away. Just look at this bumbling buffoonery:

Mamma mia is right!

The good news for Usain is that his moneymakers are fine. Usain told reporters afterward that the Segway hit him in his calf area and he’s going to be okay. Can you imagine if that damn Segway messed up his ankles and took him out of the game forever? See, this is why the only highly-trained pilots who should be allowed to drive a Segway are Shauna Sand and Raven. They’re the only ones who can truly tame that two-wheeled beast.

Pic: Getty

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Anna Duggar’s Parents Are Even “More Extreme” Than The Duggars

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Josh Duggar checked into long-term treatment the other day after admitting that he cheated on his wife and after a porn star came forward claiming that she had rough, bareback sex with the Pillsbury Dough Douche. It turns out that the rehab facility Josh is in, is actually a Christian labor camp where he’ll spend the next few months studying the bible and doing labor. So, I’m guessing that a pastor type will scream “PORN IS BAD” at him while he makes a church pew out of plywood. So while he’s off becoming even more sexually repressed, his wife Anna Duggar has to raise their four kids without even thinking about looking at the exit door since she’s not allowed to leave.

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Miley Cyrus’ Pasties-Covered Titties Were On “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” Last Night

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

We’re just a few days away from the heads of One Million Moms popping off as Miley Cyrus uses a pineapple-shaped rhinestone strap-on to butt fuck a purple power bottom unicorn on stage at the MTV VMAs. So to promote her hosting gig, Miley went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night while looking like the LSD baby that Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock pushed out 9 months after having messy, sloppy LSD-fueled sex with a rainbow disco ball light from Spencer’s Gifts.

As soon as Miley sat down, she and Jimmy Kimmel started talking about her chipmunk chest dumplings since they’re always out. In case you didn’t already figure it out after the 1,985,986th time she put her hillbilly chichis on display in public, she’s really comfortable being topless and partly because it makes other people uncomfortable. When Miley met Paul McCartney, she was nervous about meeting him, but was comforted by him being uncomfortable with her tits being out. Sure, when Miley meets someone with her tits out, it’s considered a “cute ice breaker.” But when I meet someone with my pants off, the police are called, my name ends up on a list and I get a cleaning bill because everyone barfed on the floor.

Here’s Miley talking about the tits on her chest, the tit she calls pappy and America’s fear of the nipple:

I’m typing this from my Braille keyboard now, because when she said, “My dad would rather me not have my tits out all the time,” I side-eyed so hard that my eyeballs turned 180 degrees. Please, that gives Billy Ray Cyrus pride and if he had tits like Miley, he too would slap some pasties on ’em and jiggle ’em for Jimmy Kimmel. Why am I giving Billy Ray ideas?

Miley also did a segment where she disguised herself as an Australian reporter and asked people on the street what they think of Miley Cyrus. Click here to see it, but a warning to Australians, her accent may make your ear holes bleed Vegemite. Although, her Australian accent is still better than Quentin Tarantino’s Australian accent in Django Unchained.

And here’s Miley showing up to ABC Studios after committing a criminal act by stealing one of Soleil Moon Frye’s old Punky Brewster outfits.

Pics: Wenn.com

Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!

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Pics: Crocs via Uproxx

Two “Friends” Down, Four More To Go: Taylor Swift Performed “Smelly Cat” With Lisa Kudrow Last Night

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

“Random” got a new definition this past weekend when the long-lost twin sister of American Girl doll Kit brought out Joey Tribbiani during her first of five shows at the Staples Center in L.A. Last night was Taylor Swift’s final show in L.A. and she continued with the “Friends” theme by bringing out Lisa Kudrow to sing the song that Brandi Glanville has dedicated to Joanna Krupa’s twat.

When “Smelly Cat” first popped up in a “Friends” episode in November 1995, Taylor Swift was only a tiny 5-year-old being raised by woodland creatures and enchanted elves on a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania. But since “Smelly Cat” is a classic and Taylor is a diabolical demon who won’t stop until all of your favorites belong to her, she sang that song with Lisa Kudrow. As this happened, Taylor’s Girl Squad held Lisa’s family hostage while screaming at them, “Shut the fuck up, we’ll let your asses go when Lisa does what we told her to do!”

If the world was a perfect place where dreams really do come true, Taylor would’ve exited stage left and let Phoebe Buffay do the rest of the show by herself.

Of course, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t Tay Tay’s only special guest last night. Taylor is trying hard to make that “Please Welcome to the Stage” parody a reality, so she also brought out Selena Gomez and she sang “Mirrors” with Justin Timberlake, who was dressed like a member of an all-white Run DMC tribute group.

Whatever, I won’t be impressed until Taylor brings out Charo, the cast of Models Inc. and the real-life Tupac. (Actually, please don’t bring out Charo, Taylor. If you do, I’ll have to judge Charo’s life choices and I don’t want to know what that feels like.)

Pic: Getty

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The mother and daughter who have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to look like the second most gorgeous woman in Britain: Katie Price! (Jodie Marsh is the first, of course.)

Meet 38-year-old Georgina Clarke (on the left) and her 20-year-old daughter Kayla Morris (on the right), the silicone daffodils from England who have made their dreams come true by injecting gallons of plastic into their faces and bodies to look like their beauty idol Katie Price. Dina “White Oprah” Lohan and Pimp Mama Kris have some serious competition in the International Mother of the Century contest, because Georgina Clarke paid for her plastic surgeries using the money Kayla made from gold digging and stripping.

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Birthday Sluts

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Paul Reubens (63)
Blake Jenner (23)
Alexa Vega (27)
Mario (29)
Patrick J Adams (34)
Demetria McKinney (36)
Aaron Paul (36)
Sarah Chalke (39)
Jonny Moseley (40)
Mase (40)
The Great Khali (43)
Mike Smith (43)
Leanna Creel (45)
Cesar Milan (46)
Chandra Wilson (46)
Bobo of Cypress Hill (47)
Yolanda Adams (54)
Tom Ford (54)
Downtown Julie Brown (52)
Diana Scarwid (60)
Peter Stormare (62)
Barbara Bach (68)
Tuesday Weld (72)
Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (73)

Pic: Peewee.com

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