Archives: August 2015

Okay, Now We Can Say That True Love Is Really, Really Dead

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Melodramatic bitches called in a priest to read True Love its last rites when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced their divorce. Please, True Love didn’t even take an aspirin or go on WebMD after hearing that break-up news. Other melodramatic bitches said that they saw True Love lying dead on the side of the road when Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton divorced. Meanwhile, True Love didn’t even go to urgent care over that news. True Love did call in sick when Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced they’re done, but it felt better while laughing over those STUNT QUEENS Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog pulling an obvious fake break-up to promote their new show. Well, that was True Love’s last laugh, because now it really is in a coffin buried six feet under. It died after that pretty one who used to be in One Direction and that Perrier girl broke up. RIP (for real) True Love!

People says that Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards of the group Little Mix are over and they’re not getting married anymore. They got engaged in August 2013. Zayn dumped her and now Perrier is a carbonated puddle of sads.

Malik, 22, contacted Edwards, also 22, two weeks ago and said it was over.

“She’s been putting on a brave face, as Little Mix have had promotion to do, but she’s obviously devastated,” the source tells PEOPLE

When Zayn quit the easy money train called One Direction, he said that he just wants to live like a normal 22-year-old and spend time with his family and fiancee. Zayn dumped his fiancee and signed a new record deal, so he obviously meant every word he said.

Well, I hope Zayn is happy now, because True Love is forever dead and it will never rise again…. unless Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender fall in love, get married and leak an HD sex tape. (They’re our only hope.)

Here’s the remaining members of One Erection on Good Morning America today.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Symbol Of Modesty And Grace

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Remember when earth angel Bai Ling was kind of a serious actress (see: Red Corner, The Crow, Dumplings, Anna and the King, etc…)? Well, thank the gods of glamour that was just a phase and she’s out there living her true calling by showing the uncouth pieces of trash in L.A. what real ladylike refinement looks like.

Last night, Bai Ling was the portrait of subtle when she went to a restaurant where it’s totally okay to eat without your pants on. Bai Ling lives in her own sparkly bubble of perfection, so I doubt she knows that fellow demure flower Phoebe Price flashed her bra at lunch the other day. But maybe Bai did know and this is her way of upping a bitch. Well, those two are going to go back and forth and when one of them shows up to a restaurant clit-out naked, the other one will win the battle by showing up to another restaurant with copies of her ultrasounds and x-rays glued to her body. I’m putting my weed money on Bai Ling winning that demure flower battle.

And here’s Bai proving that nothing says “chic” like purposely forgetting to wear pants.

Pics: Splash

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Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.

I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”

Lenny Kravitz’s Dick Came Out To Play During A Gig

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Sweden is giving us all the gifts today. They gave us Alexander Skarsgard in glorious drag and now they’re giving us Lenny Kravitz’s dick. May Sweden bless us all the way by making it rain Absolut Vodka on all of us.

While performing at the Gröna Lund theme park in Stockholm on Monday, Lenny Kravitz got so into it that when he squatted down, his leather pants tore open and out flopped his soft dick. Surprisingly, after noticing that his dick was open to audience, Lenny didn’t hand his guitar over to his peen and let it play while he went to fetch some new pants. Lenny left the stage for a minute to change.

Oh, thank you to whoever decided that us humans should have knees which give us the ability to squat. Thank you to Lenny’s stylist for giving him too-tight leather pants. Thank you to the makers of those leather pants for not making them indestructible. Thank you to them all.

Us perverted whores who have a file on our desktop marked “celeb noodz,” know what Lenny’s pierced goods look like since he’s (NSFW) posed nude before, but why not catch up with his peen again. After the cut is a NSFW picture of Lenny’s dick saying hello to the crowd (just ignore the angry bunny face he’s making):

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Gavin Rossdale Might’ve Done The Nanny Too

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that Pom is pissed at the paps for taking unflattering pictures or if that Pom knows that Gavin screwed the nanny and refuses to look at his cheating slut ass.

Screw the sheep. 2015 is really the year of the nanny cooch. First Ben Affleck gets accused of doing the nanny and now Gavin Rossdale. UsWeekly says that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage has been over for a long time. They’re doing their divorce Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert-style. They worked out the details of their divorce months ago, because they want the process to be quick and easy. A source says that Gwen and Gavin’s 13-year-marriage was lying in the gutter before she had their youngest child, 1-year-old Apollo, and they were hoping a new baby would fill the cracks in their marriage. That didn’t happen, obviously, so they decided to call it a day on their marriage.

TMZ’s source echoes UsWeekly’s story, but also claims that Gwen had the urge to bust a “smell yo dick” on Gavin, because she believed that his peen had made its way into side piece ass. Throughout the years, there’s been rumors and blind items about how Gavin screwed around on Gwen. Gwen apparently hated that Gavin spent a lot of time on the road with Bush and he felt that was hypocritical of her since she tours too. Radar has also jumped in and says that Gwen suspected that Gavin cheated on her and specifically, she believes that he boned the nanny, who is a woman.

Kim Richards Is Down And Out And (Allegedly) Stealing Shit From Target

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Just a couple of weeks ago, Kim Richards, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, told Entertainment Tonight that she loves being sober and her time in rehab really helped her get right back on the wagon. Well, it looks like the wagon crashed into a Target causing Kim to fly off and land into a pair of handcuffs. TMZ says that Kim was arrested over the weekend after she was accused of stealing $600 worth of stuff from a Target in the Valley. If you’re picturing Kim trying to sneak out of Target with a cartload of booze, her ex-husband Monty wants you to pop that thought bubble right away. Monty tells ET that it’s obviously a big misunderstanding. Monty says that alcohol didn’t play a part in Kim’s alleged theft and her shopping cart was filled with toys.

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Panty Creamer Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgard In Full Drag

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures  dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.

ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.

And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.

Pics: Getty

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For August 3rd!

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Dildo: “You’re looking for ‘Alcoholics’ Anonymous, dude. This is ‘Assaholics’.” – Texndoc

Upvote winner:

Uhh . . . You cum here often?” – Angel 2009

Just in case a picture of a dildo is not safe for your work, I’ve put the uncensored pic after the cut. (“Okay, but you don’t pixelate pictures of that dildo Donald Trump.” – you)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Officer Merlin Taylor, the cop from Rochester, MI who bravely saved a baby skunk from suffocating to death in a yogurt cup!

I know the Medal of Honor is only given to people in the military, but President Obama needs to break the rules and give it to Officer Merlin Taylor who climbed to the highest levels of bravery when he pulled a yogurt cup off of a baby skunk’s head. The Detroit News says that on Sunday morning, Officer Merlin got a call to help out a trick in distress and when he arrived, he found the baby skunk doing an impression of your drunk ass on a Friday night. Baby skunk was confused, naked and stumbling around the streets.

While his dashboard cam captured this amazingly heroic act, Officer Merlin approached the baby skunk and quickly pulled the yogurt cup off before busting out of there because he wasn’t about to spend the rest of his day killing the stink in a hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and laundry soap bath . You’d think that the baby skunk would thank Officer Merlin for saving its life! But instead of doing that, the ungrateful skunk tried to spray him. Those youngins have no damn manners. Luckily for Officer Merlin, the baby skunk was too young to spray.

This shit is missing the Benny Hill theme song.

That baby skunk may have looked a little pissed off and freaked out, but I’m sure it was grateful in its heart. And in a few years when it’s walking through the park with its family and sees Officer Merlin running around in circles with a water cooler stuck on his head, I’m sure they’ll help his ass out.

This isn’t the first time that Officer Merlin has saved a tiny animal friend. A few years ago, he saved ducklings that fell into a sewer grate. So the only question I have for all presidential candidates is, “If you win this mess, you’re going to make Officer Merlin Secretary of Defense, right?

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Birthday Sluts

August 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Billy Bob Thornton (60)
Jessica Sanchez (20)
Cole Sprouse (23)
Dylan Sprouse (23)
River Viiperi (24)
Tom Parker (27)
Crystal Bowersox (30)
Greta Gerwig (32)
Marques Houston (34)
Kym Johnson (39)
Jeff Gordon (44)
John August (45)
Daniel Dae Kim (47)
Crystal Chappell (50)
Marcus Schenkenberg (47)
James Tupper (50)
Anna Sui (51)
Roger Clemens (53)
President Barack Obama (54)
Michael Gelman (54)
Lauren Tom (54)
Richard Belzer (71)

Pic: Splash

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