Hulk Hogan was dropped by the WWE and they erased all traces of his orange gristle image from their website after The National Enquirer and Radar published some racist crap he spewed out of his mouth in a sex tape. Hulk is suing Gawker Media for $100 million because they posted screen shots and heave-inducing details of a fuck tape that was shot without him knowing it. The transcripts of him mouth shitting up racist slurs while talking about Brooke Hogan dating a black guy were sealed by the court and nobody knows how The National Enquirer magically got a hold of them. Once the transcripts were published, his charbroiled empire started to crumble and now he’s trying to save his career by begging for forgiveness.
As if you couldn’t have already guessed, Bono – seen above on the fancy-ass boat he uses to get to and from his fancy-ass yacht in St. Tropez – is rich as fuck. Technically, we already knew that, since U2 has been touring forever and tickets to a U2 concerts usually cost $900 and your choice of limb (and limbs go for big money on the black market). But it turns out the money Bono has been making from hollering out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” is peanuts compared to the checks he’s been receiving from Mark Zuckerberg.
According to the Mirror UK (via Page Six), Bono bought a 2.3 percent share in Facebook back in 2009 for almost $76 million. As anyone who has every listened to Suze Orman talk about money knows, money grows. And in the six years since Bono made Facebook his bottom bitch, his $76 million share is now worth $1 billion. That frantic splashing sound you just heard was Lindsay Lohan doing the get money bitch backstroke from her current yacht in St. Tropez to Bono’s.
The Mirror says that Bono now holds the title of Richest Pop Star IN THE WORLD, beating out Paul McCartney, who is worth $818 million, and Madonna, who is worth a pathetic $582 million.
I quit Facebook years ago because I kept getting too many messages from spammers asking if I wanted to make some easy money sitting on my ass. Looks like they were (sort of) right. You can make money from Facebook, and you can do it sitting on your ass. Just ask Bono! Or better yet, just wait for the inevitable round of mass spam emails that start with: “Hi do u like money? <–My name is Bono and I make $66,750 a day off Facebook ask me how NOW!”
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
And now in “You might want to avoid the internet for a while” news, some of the internet is apparently very upset that Rebel Wilson made a joke about the police while presenting the award for Best Hop Hop Video. Which…maybe might not have been the best idea, considering how many times the police made the news this past year. Anyway, she did it, and it went a little something like this.
“A lot of people have problems with the police. But I really hate police strippers. You guys know what I’m talking about. They come to your house, you think you’re getting arrested, and you just get a lap dance that is usually uninspired! I hired a police stripper for my grandmother’s 80th, and he wouldn’t even feel her up. Well I paid an extra $100 for her to get an erotic back massage, but it only lasted one song! I hate this injustice. Hence the shirt.”
So yeah, the joke was mostly about police strippers, particularly how she hates them. But still, it prompted a lot of people to call Rebel out for what they considered was not exactly the most tasteful of jokes. The Huffington Post and the Daily Mail have collected a bunch of the tweets, which came from a variety of people, including Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson. So far, Rebel hasn’t said anything about this mess, besides tweeting a pic of her ass next to Nicki Minaj’s ass.
There was so much offensive shit last night (Kanye being given a microphone, etc.) that I almost forgot about Rebel’s maybe-you-should-skip-this-one police joke. I didn’t, however forget the wrong shit she said about stripper cops. Excuse you, Rebel, but I have never seen a stripper cop who didn’t give it his all when reporting for booty.
Here’s Rebel before the show looking like a low budget Avril Lavigne.
If Miley Cyrus hosts the MTV VMAs and her tit nub doesn’t pop out at least once, did she really host the MTV VMAs at all?
The least shocking moment of the VMAs happened when Miley’s nipple “accidentally” made a cameo appearance toward the end of the show. And by “accidentally” I mean that she rehearsed that accidental nip slip for 3 hours in a rehearsal studio in the Valley somewhere and in her earpiece, a stage manager was saying, “Standby nip slip… Nip slip go in 3..2…”
Many parents spent their entire night smearing burn cream all over the eyes of the innocent, delicate children whose retinas caught on fire from seeing Miley Cyrus’ devilry nipple. Everybody should’ve seen her tit slip coming, because she’s Miley Cyrus and nearly everything she wore during the show was leading up to that moment. Before going to a commercial break, Miley was backstage changing when she “accidentally” dropped the black curtain for a second and her tit came out to say hi. Gawker has a clip of it and I put the uncensored pic after the cut, because I know some of you dew drops don’t want your pure and virginal eyes tainted by the sight of a chipmunk lady nipple.
One of the word nuggets Kanye West squeezed out during his next-level insane “I’m running for President in 2020” Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award speech last night was a tiny clump of stinky shade that you know he’s been saving for just such an occasion. While talking about…fuck, who even knows, Kanye aimed his ass over to Justin Timberlake’s direction and ripped a hot one about watching JT cry himself a river when he lost Album of the Year to the Dixie Chicks at the 2006 Grammy Awards. Yes, Kanye is that girl at a sleepover who looks at you during the bee scene in My Girl and loudly asks “Are you crying???”
“And bro, Justin, I ain’t trying to put you on blast, but I saw that man in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking like, he deserved to win Album of the Year.”
Well, guess who didn’t appreciate being put “on blast” for his sad, salty tears? That’s right, Kanye’s bro Justin Timberlake. Shortly after Kanye outed him for crying over a stupid trophy, a butthurt Justin hopped on Twitter to swat back.
Kanye is so cute, y'all.
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Eventually, Joey Fatone was able to calm Justin down by stroking his hair and whispering “I know, I know“, and Justin returned with some nicer words.
Jokes, you guys… Jokes. #chill
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Btw… I JUST watched my man 'Ye's FULL speech… He always has a point. And I support it. #truth
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Oooh, you know how I know he’s still a little mad? He called him “my man” and not “bro.” It’s okay, JT – let it out, buddy. Don’t be ashamed of those tears!
In the event you didn’t get enough of Kim Kardashian’s tits looking like a pair of TruckNutz in an elegant lace-up satin pouch, here’s Kim and Kanye leaving dinner after the VMAs last night.
You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.
Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.
But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.
And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.
Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.
But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”
Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:
In today’s news: The number of reported penis burns has risen. – pecanpancake
The French roast comes with a little tongue. – Cookiemonster
Amber’s OUTFIT OF THE NIGHT at the MTV VMAs last night.
At the VMAs last night, both Amber Rose wore a catsuit covered in all of the words that Khlozilla probably spray painted on her garage door after their little “slut-shaming feud.” Amber and one of Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery icons, Blac Chyna, took back all the beautiful words (examples: gold digger, slut, hoe, whore) that tricks call them by wearing those beautiful words all over their bodies. Amber Rose’s Slut Walk is happening next month, so she and her reality shit show partner Blac Chyna wore that Stripper Slut Whore Gold Digger Hoe couture to promote her event. Amber also brought along two friends who wore outfits covered in the word “faggot.” Together, they all look like they’re dressed up as a YouTube comment section for Halloween.
That outfit is Lindsay Bluth’s DREAM outfit and mine too. I’m slow clapping for Amber Rose and I’m also wondering if her Slut Whore Hoe catsuit and those Faggot boots come in my size, because that’s what I want to wear when my mom drags me to church on Christmas Eve.