Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.
TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age. So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.
But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.
And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.