Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation (UPDATE)

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….

During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.

The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.

Michael Cohen, who is a lawyer and is paid to know the law, shit on the claims by saying that you “can’t rape” your spouse. Michael Cohen may or may not have gotten his law degree from the same place where Kylie Jenner got her high school diploma, because of course you can rape your spouse and it’s been illegal in New York since 1984. Michael Cohen didn’t want The Daily Beast to run the story and it sounds like he nearly busted an artery in his asshole while threatening to bury them in a $500 million lawsuit if they posted the old rape allegation. The only way to read this is to read it in Donald Trump’s voice:

“You’re talking about the frontrunner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can’t rape your spouse. It is true. You cannot rape your spouse. And there’s very clear case law.

I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we’re in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don’t have. And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know. So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?

You write a story that has Mr. Trump’s name in it, with the word ‘rape,’ and I’m going to mess your life up… for as long as you’re on this frickin’ planet… you’re going to have judgments against you, so much money, you’ll never know how to get out from underneath it.

Though there’s many literal senses to the word, if you distort it, and you put Mr. Trump’s name there onto it, rest assured, you will suffer the consequences. So you do whatever you want. You want to ruin your life at the age of 20? You do that, and I’ll be happy to serve it right up to you. I think you should go ahead and you should write the story that you plan on writing. I think you should do it. Because I think you’re an idiot. And I think your paper’s a joke, and it’s going to be my absolute pleasure to serve you with a $500 million lawsuit, like I told [you] I did it to Univision.”

Ivana released a statement this morning saying that the “story is without merit” and that she has nothing but “fondness” for Donald Trump and thinks he’ll make an “incredible” president. The statement was released through the Trump campaign. As part of her multi-million dollar divorce settlement with Trump, she can’t talk about the marriage without getting his permission first.

I had to look up a picture of Michael Cohen to make sure that he’s a real person and actually exists. I still don’t believe that Michael Cohen and Donald Trump aren’t the same people. I need to see them in a room together. Because while reading that shit, I pictured Donald Trump screaming into a pay phone while wearing a fedora, a trench coat and a Groucho Marx disguise.

UPDATE: Michael Cohen farted up an explanation to CNN. While talking to The Daily Beast, his blood boiled so much that all logic left his brain. That’s all.

“As an attorney, husband and father there are many injustices that offend me but nothing more than charges of rape or racism. They hit me at my core. Rarely am I surprised by the press, but the gall of this particular reporter to make such a reprehensible and false allegation against Mr. Trump truly stunned me. In my moment of shock and anger, I made an inarticulate comment – which I do not believe — and which I apologize for entirely.”

Pic: Getty

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