Dumb, naive me. Here I was thinking that Shia LaBeouf somehow found a way to curb his asshole ways. Lately, the only things he’s been found guilty of doing are humping the American flag by doing the most ‘Murican thing of all time (read: line dancing to a Steve Earle song in a Stay USA Hotel parking lot in South Dakota) and bringing Gummo glamour to the forefront with his clip-on rattail. But well, if the German tabloid Bild is telling the truth, then Shia LaDouche is back to being an extra chunky shit stain on humanity.
Buzzfeed says that Bild reported that 29-year-old Shia and his 22-year-old girlfriend of 2 years, Mia Goth, got into a screaming fight on Friday as they left a taxi outside of a hotel in Tübingen, Germany. Mia is in Germany to film a horror movie. One witness said that Shia looked drunk and he allegedly told Mia that he did not want to become “aggressive” with her as she pulled at his backpack and begged him to stay.
The argument got so messy that a group of locals had to jump in and break them up. They could’ve easily broken it up by waving a bar of soap at Shia since soap is obviously his arch rival and he’ll run away from it. The locals didn’t bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on Shia or turn him over to the cops. Instead, they gave him a ride to the airport and during that ride, he allegedly told them that he would’ve killed Mia if they didn’t break up the fight.
The fight reportedly left Shia with a jacked-up hand (from punching a wall, possibly) and Mia had a black eye the next day. Bild’s story doesn’t say how Mia got a black eye and it doesn’t say if witnesses saw Shia hit her. Reps for Mia and Shia had nothing to say about Bild’s story.
Since Shia seems to have been cut from the same angry shit head cloth as Sean Penn, this story seems pretty believable. Shia also has a history of being a drunk mess and punching walls. If it is true, Shia’s mother needs to finally come and collect his Oedipus ass. And Mia needs to ruuuuun, ruuuun and keep running until she gets to the safe house where her eyebrows have been waiting for her ever since they checked off of her face because they wanted no part of her relationship with Shia.
UPDATE: Entertainment Tonight posted a video taken by the men who gave Shia a ride to the airport. The edited video starts with Shia getting out of the taxi and telling Mia, “I don’t wanna touch you. I don’t wanna be aggressive. This is the kind of shit that makes a person abusive.” Those lines are straight out of the first page of a book called “Shit A Batterer Says.” Mia takes his backpack at one point and Shia begs her to give it back to him. Once in the car, Shia tells the dudes that he would’ve killed her and then he tries to FaceTime with Megan Fox. Because Megan Fox probably has Shia’s name in her contacts as “DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT,” the FaceTime session doesn’t happen. When they get to the airport, a plastered Shia looks into the camera and tells the dudes that he’ll take care of them if they come to L.A. The video auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.