What would we do without the high priestess of everything teaching us her ways? All you ladies would be running around with wrinkly pussy lips and we’d all be embarrassing ourselves by yawning like piece of trash lvasants. Goopy Paltrow has returned to show us how to piss in the shower the right way. If you’ve been emptying your bladder in the toilet or pissing in the shower while standing, you’ve been doing it wrong and you should be ashamed of your not-knowing ass.
Because I sometimes care about my brain, I’ve never pictured how Goopy pisses. But if I had to guess, I’d say that she whizzed out an organic stream of piss into a marble basin and that organic piss is later distilled, mixed with cardamon seeds, bottled and sold for $675 as cleansing elixir on GOOP.com. But according to Goopy, she pisses in the shower. But of course, there’s a GOOP-approved way to do it.
In the new edition of GOOP, the Internet journal of insufferableness that is the reason why we all have the ability to roll our eyes, she gets into the “secrets of the pelvic floor.” Yes, Goopy’s pelvic floor is better than your pelvic floor and not just because it’s covered in imported Spanish limestone instead of builder-grade linoleum like yours. It’s better because she works it out all the time. Goopy says that you need to work out your pelvic floor and you can do so with coochie clenches (aka kegels) and by fucking. But another way you can work it out is by squat pissing in the shower. Let Goopy show you how to do golden showers the right way!
Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.
I can already see a bunch of messes falling over and cracking their hip bones while trying to pee in the shower GOOP-style. Goopy has an unfair advantage, because she can easily just pull the stick out of her ass until it hits the tile and sit on that as she pisses. And I bet that after Goopy finishes in the shower, she gets her live-in contractor to tear all the tile out and re-tile, because pissing in the shower is only okay if it’s brand new. Otherwise it’s unhygienic and tacky!