The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
Kathy is peddling a book she wrote called “Courting Trouble” and says that one of her characters was inspired by Amal. File this under, “the shit you gotta do to sell a book,” because she shoves herself up Amal’s ass before shoving herself up George’s ass. Kathy basically turned herself into a double-sided dildo for Amal and George to do ass-to-ass with. Here’s what Kathy said about Amal and George to People (via Vanity Fair):
On how Amal is the greatest woman who ever lived: “She’s drop-dead gorgeous, your jaw hits the ground, but she’s also very charming, funny, self-deprecating. She’s as warm and down-to-earth as ever.”
On how Amal is the greatest woman who ever lived, in case you didn’t get it the first time: ”She’s wonderful, she’s the most intelligent, beautiful, kind, compassionate girl . . . He’s so lucky to have her—I’d marry her!”
On how George has really become domesticated: “[He] clears the table and stacks the dishwasher. Forget the Kama Sutra, that’s all you need to know, be domestic!”
On how they make you roll your eyes more than a Reese Witherspoon rom-com does: “[It’s like] watching a rom-com in front of you. [They] are mad about each other.”
On how their love is so magical: “They’re really in love. And it’s a total fairytale romance.”
On how George asked her out once and she turned him down: “I met George years and years ago before he was famous and he asked me out for coffee one day and I said no!”
On how she never forgave herself after finding out that she turned down a date with the adonis from ER: “I screamed, I cried, I lay in the fetal position and sobbed for two months.”
Lord. First, we had George Clooney on our backs, twisting our arms while telling us to say that he and Amal are the greatest couple in this universe and beyond. Now, we’ve got this Kathy lady putting our neck in a chokehold and giving us a noogie while trying to make us declare that George and Amal are perfection personified. Okay, okay! We’ll say it. We’ll say it! George and Amal are the sun, moon and stars. George and Amal are where true love goes to find itself. Foreigner has announced that they will no longer sing “I Want To Know What Love Is,” because they know what love is thanks to George and Amal. MERCY! MERCY!
Here’s the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of 2015 (Fuck, that wasn’t a compliment, was it? Now George and Kathy are really going to turn it up.) leaving a restaurant near Lake Como, Italy last night.