Yesterday, Lifetime released the cast photo for their unauthorized behind-the-scenes Beverly Hills, 90210 movie and it was like I was transported back to 1990. The cast looked exactly like the original cast and by that I mean not at all. Well, Lifetime is also doing a Melrose Place movie and the cast photo for that is just as messy. They also released names of the actors and I’m going to try to match who plays who:
In the white dress looking like she has to piss: Sandy Louise Harding/Amy Locane (played by Lanie Mcauley)
In the clearance bin Miley wig: Jane Mancini/Josie Bissett (played by Chloe McClay)
With his chest out looking like he’s posing in an ad for a drugstore cologne: Jake Hanson/Grant Show (played by Ryan Bruce)
In the black dress sitting: Sydney Andrews/Laura Leighton (played by Chelsea Hobbs)
In the vest looking like a rejected Jonas Brother: Billy Campbell/Andrew Shue (played by Frank Bailey)
Thirsty weave trying her best to throw a bitchface: Amanda Woodward/Heather Locklear (played by Ciara Hanna)
Blondie next to thirsty weave: Matt Fielding/Doug Savant (played by Joseph Coleman)
Chipper girl sitting: Allison Parker/Courtney Thorne-Smith (played by Rebecca Dalton)
Sitting below chipper girl thinking to herself, “The hell am I doing?“: Rhonda Blair/Vanessa A. Williams (played by Karissa Tynes)
In ruffled top looking like she’s letting out a real slow, sneaky queef: Kimberly Shaw/Marcia Cross (played by Teagan Vincze)
Black blazer with a hairline that’s trying to run away from his eyebrows: Michael Mancini/Thomas Calabro (played by Brandon Barash)
Black shiny shirt: Jo Reynolds/Daphne Zuniga (played by Ali Cobrin)
Also, Dan Castellaneta from The Simpsons is playing Aaron Spelling. The Beverly Hills, 90210 movie will air on October 3rd and the Melrose Place movie will air exactly a week later.
It looks like the casting people just waltzed into an Applebee’s and randomly picked people to play the parts as fast as they could so they could get on with their 3 martini lunch. “You’re white. You can play Billy!” I look more like Jane Mancini than the actress playing Jane Mancini does. But you know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a Lifetime movie. I want community theater wigs, acting that makes Megan Fox look like Tilda Swinton and actors who look absolutely nothing like the person they’re playing. I want that shit to be a wreck from top to bottom. And judging by that picture, it looks like the Melrose Place movie is well on its way.
If you need a comparison, here’s one of the original cast photos (some people are missing, obviously):