It hasn’t even been a full day since the Duke and Duchess of Country (Billy Ray Cyrus and his Taco Party Pack will always be the King and Queen of Country to me) got divorced and a wave of stories about their break-up has already flooded the Internet. (“So you mean to tell me that I didn’t have to do that stupid photo-op with that damn mutt, because everybody is busy talking about Blake and Miranda? Dammit Jen!” – Ben Affleck) So far, the stories are conflicting as shit and some say Miranda Lambert wanted babies, others say she didn’t want babies and another says that she was Ashley Madison-ing through her marriage by cheating on her husband. Meanwhile, Blake Shelton is a monogamous angel whose dick only has eye for his wife’s punane. Of course.
TMZ says that Blake filed for divorce after 4 years of marriage, because he believed the longtime rumors that Miranda was dropping her philandering poon on other dudes. Blake kind of bought the rumor that Miranda opened her cheating harlot hussy tramp legs for Chris Young, a country singer who opened for her on tour a few years ago. But that’s not what pushed Blake to kill his marriage. TMZ’s sources say that Blake got “certain information” about Miranda and a different alleged side piece and he believed it 100%. He’s been upset for a while and he made her move all of her animals (horses, camel and a llama) off of his ranch in Oklahoma on Monday. Blake probably thought to himself, “Hold up, something’s wrong with this picture. I’m supposed to be the cheating bastard in a marriage. Dee-vorce time!”
But Page Six and Hollywood Life claim that BABIES tore them apart. Some source tells Page Six that Blake really wanted a baby and Miranda spit on that idea, because she doesn’t want to be tied down. She wants to tour and do her own thing and he wants a big happy family with a kid. Hollywood Life says the complete opposite. Their source (the summer intern really getting those credits) says that Miranda was lonely and felt like a Band-Aid baby would heal the cracks in their marriage. But Blake wants to tour and do his own thing.
As for the rumors that Blake fucked around, a “Shelton source” tells People that he would never! After his shows, Blake would ignore all the groupie sluts throwing their chochas at him and he’d go back to his dressing room and needlepoint the words “I Love Miranda” on pillows.
“Blake is just that incredibly loyal and dedicated husband. I can guarantee you he has been faithful to that woman.”
Who knows what really happened. We won’t know for sure until they both spill it all in double albums. The tabloids are going to be really disappointed if every song is about how they broke up because Miranda’s llama kept chewing on Blake’s cowboy boots.