Will Everybody In London Please Learn English So That Terence Stamp And His Beloved Mangoes Can Reunite?!
Terence Stamp (that’s Bernadette from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert to you and me) has the sads. You see, whenever Terence Stamp eats a boring banana, he stops and dreams of the day when he and his beautiful mangoes will reunite and he’ll get to slow dance cheek to skin with one under a sky full of mango-shaped stars as Chris Kattan as Mango serenades them with a beautiful love song about mangoes. (I was going to go further but I don’t want to get into elderly man and mango soft-core porn talk.)
At a party in London the other night, Sebastian Shakespeare (Side note: That’s a hot name) of The Daily Mail claims that 76-year-old Terence told him that there’s too many non-English speaking immigrants in the city and the worst part is that he can’t buy a delicious mango because of it!
“It’s very sad how few English people there are in London now. When I grew up in East London everyone seemed to speak English, and now you can barely get by speaking our own language. I don’t live in the East any more, but I absolutely love mangoes and so occasionally I go back there to buy these wonderful Alphonso mangoes from the market on Green Street. I’m lucky if I can buy one now at all because no one speaks English. It’s changed so much in such a short space of time, that God knows what London will be like in another decade or so.”
Technically, Terence’s beloved mangoes are immigrants too since I don’t think they grow ’em in England. I have questions, though. Can’t Terence just go into a store, find the mangoes in a basket or crate or whatever, pick one out and then pay for it? Does he go to some special market on Green Street where they keep the mangoes in the back and you have to say a code word in a language other than English to get one? Or maybe the employees are fucking with his cranky ass and whenever they see him coming, they say, “That crazy mango man is coming. Quick! Hide the mangoes in the back and pretend you don’t know English!”
But seriously, that overused phrase, “the struggle is real,” has never been more fitting. Terence not being able to buy a mango is real, it’s a struggle and it’s a real struggle.