Wandering Dicks Are Shaking In Their Chonies Today: Ashley Madison Got Hacked

July 20, 2015 / Posted by:

AshleyMadison.com should probably change their logo lady to show her mouthing the words “OH FUCK,” because all 37 million of the site’s members could find themselves having to recite Tiger Woods’ apology speech to their spouse after the ways of their shifty, roaming genitals gets exposed by hackers.

Ashley Madison is a Canadian-owned website (FYI: Ashley Madison is Canadian for Sienna Miller) where married tramps can “discreetly” find side piece poon or peen to fuck around with. Avid Life Media, the company that owns Ashley Madison also owns the sites Cougar Life and prostitution whore-ah and sugar baby paradise Established Men. The blog KlebsOnSecurity reports that a hacker group who calls themselves The Impact Team (that sounds like the name of a group of constipated superheroes aka Goopy Paltrow’s nightmare) has hacked into Avid Life’s systems and are threatening to leak all sorts of private shit from Ashley Madison’s 37 million members. They will release real names, naked pictures, addresses and customers’ secret fantasies and kinks unless their demands are met.

The Impact Group wants Avid Life to delete AshleyMadison.com and EstablishedMen.com from the Internet. No, The Impact Group isn’t bankrolled by Elin Nordegren and they’re not on some moral mission to expose cheating skank whores. The group of hackers doesn’t like that Avid Life lies to their customers about a $20 add-on feature that is supposed to permanently erase their info. The feature is called “Full Delete” and for $20, a member can breathe a cheating hussy sigh of relief while thinking that their profile and private info has been completed deleted from Ashley Madison’s servers. But The Impact Group says that is a lie. The member’s real name, address and credit card info stays on Ashley Madison’s servers. Avid Life reportedly made $1.7 million from the feature in 2014 alone. So The Impact Group wants Avid Life to either kill Ashley Madison or they will ruin the company by bringing on a tsunami of future lawsuits. Here’s a piece of their message:


The hackers have already burped up a tiny bit of user data to let Avid Life know that they aren’t lie-telling or messing around. Avid Life released a statement where they claimed that they have secured their servers and are working with the police to track down the hackers.

This is not the kind of “getting fucked” all those married bitches had in mind when they signed up for Ashley Madison. I understand why Ashley Madison exists, but I don’t really understand why a cheating trick would create a digital trail when they’re trying to bone a side piece on the down low. This is why you should only pick up your side trick at a book release party and only fuck with them while your family is out of town for the weekend. Oh wait, that didn’t end well either.

And also, this is why January Jones is probably getting tons of texts from ex-pieces that read: “When you said you deleted my name and number, you DELETE deleted it, right?

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