Hot Slut Of The Day!

Stanley Pannaman, the 71-year-old Vietnam veteran who nearly got his ass blown off with his own gun while protecting a nest of sea turtles from a drunken mess in Florida!

This isn’t close to being the most Florida story ever (it needs more meth, sloppy butt sex and a Publix parking lot for that), but it has still soothed my splintery nerves on this Monday morning. The hero to sea turtles in the gorgeous shirt above is Stanley Pannaman and he got butt fucked with his own bullet on Friday night while protecting his sea turtle friends on a beach in Florida. Stan tells The New York Daily News that he volunteers for a group who sit by sea turtle nests to make sure that nobody screws with them before they go into the sea to be one with the ocean. Well, there’s a reason why that group exists, because some Florida wreck tried to screw with the baby sea turtles on Friday night.

38-year-old Michael Q. McAuliffe was allegedly as drunk as me on any given night of the week when he started cursing out Stanley and Stanley’s fellow sea turtle-guarding friend. Michael slurred out the words “I’m going to get you, you fucking sea turtle people! I’m going to beat the fuck out of you!” at them. That is so a “drunk diva drunkely saying ‘youuuu know what yer problems is’ while holding a martini” moment. Stanley wasn’t having it and flashed his gun, thinking that it would make drunk ole’ sea turtle enemy Michael stand down, but it didn’t. While Stan called the police, Michael jumped on his ass and a tussle ensued!

That’s when McAuliffe grabbed the gun from Pannaman’s pocket and thinking it was a flare gun pointed it at the senior citizen’s chest.

“He said ‘I’ll shoot you with the flare gun’ and I said ‘it’s a real gun,'” Pannaman said. “He pointed it at my chest and in that split second I turned away from him so he would not be pointing (the gun) at my chest. If he fired into my chest I’d be a dead man.”

The bullet entered the left side of Pannaman’s body near his belly button and it traveled into his buttock.

The police busted onto the scene shortly after and immediately arrested Michael. They charged him with all sorts of shit including causing battery to an oldie (that’s a real charge and it should be). My new hero, Sea Turtle Stan, and his ass are going to be fine, but my ass isn’t going to be fine, because I nearly laughed it off while reading some of these beautiful quotes:

“I figured if I showed a handgun that would be enough to diffuse any situation,” Stanley Pannaman, 72, told the Daily News. “People may be nuts but they aren’t crazy. I didn’t realize I would be dealing with a crazy guy.”

“He asked me ‘Are you all right?'” Pannaman said. “I looked at him and I said ‘No, I’m not all right. You just shot me.'”

Pannaman said he never expected this type of incident to occur while guarding turtles but noted “In my experience, drunk people are uncontrollable and don’t think properly.”

“I’m 72. I’m not getting into an altercation with anybody,” he said. “I wanted him to see that I have a gun but I wasn’t pointing it at him.”

Baby sea turtles are truly the most luckiest bitches on the planet, because they have a bodyguard like Stan Pannaman (more like Stan Istheman, amirite?) who will risk his ass for them (literally) and will protect them from drunk messes who don’t know a flare gun from a real gun. If I ever see a sea turtle looking smug and too confident, I’ll know that it’s thinking to itself, “Fuck with me and my man Stan will end you, or he’ll end his end, either or, but still! He’s got me!“