If your Sunday hangover has given you the dry heaves and you need something to inspire you to barf everything in your stomach out, here’s the perfect thing!
Around two weeks, The Associated Press was able to get a judge to unseal the 2005 deposition that speckled lump of grossness Bill Cosby gave when he was sued by Andrea Constand who claimed that he drugged and assaulted her in 2004 at his home in Pennsylvania. In the AP’s piece, they said that Bill Cosby admitted to buying quaaludes to give to women for “sex.” Well, The New York Times threw up more pieces from the 1,000-page deposition and it’s a great thing to read if you’ve been looking for an excuse to dunk your head in a giant pot full of boiling ammonia.
During the four-day-long deposition, Bill came off as a dirty old manipulative skeezer turtle who used his fame, promises of mentorship and sedatives to get with younger women. Cosby admitted to giving women ludes, but said they all took the drugs willingly. But when one particular woman was brought up and he was asked if he thinks she was able to consent to sex while being drugged the fucked up on ludes, Cosby shat up the words, “I don’t know.”
Cosby denied being a rapist, but admitted to being a serial cheating slut who tried hard to hide his stepping out game from his personal Dottie Sandusky named Camille Cosby. Cosby casually talked about all the women he “seduced” and bragged that he was a good “reader” of people and their sexual emotions. Andrea Constand’s lawyer noted that Cosby made a lot of jokes and took the allegations as seriously as I took high school math class. (“We can tell, bitch,” said everybody who has watched me pull out my iPhone at a restaurant to calculate what 20% of a $60 bill is.) At one point, Andrea’s lawyer said to him that it felt like he was making light of the situation, and he mouth farted back with, “That may very well be.” Cosby said that Andrea was a liar and he wasn’t moved when she cried during her deposition.
And this is the barf cherry on the barf sundae. Cosby was afraid how Andrea’s mother would see him, so he asked her to tell her mom about the “orgasms” he gave her.
Some time later, after Ms. Constand had moved home to Canada, Mr. Cosby spoke with Ms. Constand’s mother on the telephone. The mother, he said, was upset about what her daughter said Mr. Cosby had done, describing the experience as “a mother’s nightmare.”
In the deposition, he said he was worried that Ms. Constand’s mother would think of him as a “dirty old man.”
During the call, Mr. Cosby told the deposing lawyers, he wanted Ms. Constand to tell her mother “about the orgasm” so that she would realize it was consensual.
“Tell your mother about the orgasm. Tell your mother how we talked,” he said he remembered thinking.
Subsequently, concerned that Ms. Constand and her mother might seek to embarrass him, he said he offered to help pay for Ms. Constand’s further education.
“Tell your mother about the orgasm” is like “Say hi to your mutha for me” if “Say hi to your mutha for me” sped down Gross Way, slammed into a truck full of NOPEs and rolled down a hill made of dried shit before crashing into a lake full of vomit.