Oh, the 80s, a simpler time for Tom Selleck, when he could waste water by watering his wet suit and not worry about the bitches at the water district shoving a lawsuit between his furry buns.
Tom recently got into trouble with the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California when a private investigator they hired caught his employees stealing water from a hydrant. Tom was hit with a lawsuit after the P.I. witnessed a commercial truck steal water from a hydrant in Thousand Oaks, CA before driving back to Magnum P.I.’s gigantic Hidden Valley ranch (I’m craving dressing now) that has an avocado farm on it. Tom’s ranch is outside of the Calleguas Water District’s boundaries. The P.I. watched this happen a total of 12 times over 2 years. In the lawsuit that was filed last week, the water district demanded that Tom reimburse them for the price of the P.I. ($21, 685.55 ) as well as cover their attorney fees and other shit. Page Six says that Tom managed to keep this mess out of court, because his lawyers offered up a settlement that the water district approved.
The board of the Calleguas Municipal Water District unanimously voted to give a thumbs up to Tom’s offer. Tom will pay them back for the P.I.’s fee. It’s not known if Tom will also pay the water district’s attorney fees and damages. After the settlement was approved, Tom’s attorney Marty Singer released an eye roll-worthy statement to The Los Angeles Times.
“Mr. Selleck did not receive any notifications prior to last week stating that he was acting outside of regulations decreed by the county. Mr. Selleck previously paid for all the water that he utilized, which the Calleguas Municipal Water District acknowledged had not been stolen.”
The water district spit on that statement, because they have proof that they sent a cease-and-desist letter to both of Tom’s homes in Southern California. Tom’s rep spit back by saying that there’s no proof that the letters were signed for and he claims he never saw them.
Um, Tom has played a P.I., a police officer and a lawyer on TV, so he should know that stealing water from a fire hydrant is not right and not the way. Besides, if Tom wants free liquid, there’s a really easy way for him to get it. All he has to do is go up to a large group of horny middle-aged women at a Magnum P.I. convention and gently stroke his stache. As soon as the women start convulsing, Tom should grab a huge bucket and use it to collect all the coochie liquid squirting out of them. Sure, the liquid will be a little leche-y, but that’s good for avocados, right?
Here’s some pictures from last month of Water Thieving Tommy working two -thirds of a hot three-piece 70s suit at LAX.