The L.A. County Jail should really make Suge Knight teach community college theater students how to bring the theatrics and raw drama in extra heavy doses, because he knows how it’s done. Since Suge has been in jail on murder charges, he has collapsed in the court room all extra dramatic-like, had a panic attack and appeared before a judge in a wheelchair, because what kind of cold-hearted judge is going to punish a weak soul in a wheelchair? Since the meanie judge has yet to take pity on Suge’s plight and transfer him from his jail cell to a suite at the Four Seasons, he has stepped it up. Suge is crying that his toilet is crazier than him and claims he might have a brain tumah.
Tom Mesereau, who represented Michael Jackson during that child touching trial, is Suge’s new lawyer and he recently filed papers asking for the Blanche DuBois of gangsters to be moved to a different cell. Suge is crying that his toilet is broken and flushes every 20 minutes all day and all night. Poor delicate, dew drop Suge doesn’t have a proper velvet settee to have his fainting spells upon and now he has to deal with a busted toilet disturbing his beauty sleep. Even the toilet is sick of his shit.
On top of Suge’s possessed toilet woes, he also claims that doctors think he could have a brain tumor since he regularly experiences numbness on the side of his body. That numbness could merely be from Suge sleeping on a cheap jail cot instead of an Egyptian cotton-covered mattress filled with swan feathers like he’s used to. Suge asked that his new cell be in a jail that has access to a medical facility.
The judge is still not taking pity on Suge’s plight. The judge denied Suge’s transfer request, so he’ll have to continue to deal with the sound of the ones he’s wronged saying, “Suuuuuuge, Iiiiiii’m goooooing to geeeeet youuuuu,” through the haunted toilet. The judge also denied Suge’s request to lower his $10 billion bail.
So what now? Suge can either borrow a stunt from fellow jail bird drama queen Roxie Hart by faking a pregnancy or he can start working on an escape plan by wooing a sad and desperate jail house sewing teacher whose clit gets the throbs for diabolical rap mogul dick.