And Now Anthony Bourdain Will Drag Douchey Porcupine Guy Fieri

July 16, 2015 / Posted by:

I will never ever forgive Anthony Bourdain for calling Royal Academy of Arts-trained tablescape artist and drunk angel Sandra Leepure evil” and the “hell spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker.” The only way I’ll ever forgive him is if he takes his show Parts Unknown to a dark and dangerous place called my b-hole. Yes, they’ll have to change the name of the show to Parts Too Known for that episode. However, my mouth still waters when Anthony whips up a good old-fashioned flambéed bowl of cunt stew with a side of mashed snark. Anthony served some of that up during the Atlanta, GA stop of his national tour last Saturday.

Atlanta Magazine (via Jezebel) says that Anthony sharpened his shiv and went after human tribal armband tattoo Guy Fieri and Adam Richman of Man vs. Food, but put down his shank and blew an air kiss at Ina Garten.

On how he felt when he found out that Man vs. Food is really popular in Iran and Afghanistan: “Why did we watch that show? Admit it. You wanted him to die. The show confirms their worst suspicions— that Americans are fat, lazy, slothful, [and] wasteful… I know what he’s thinking, ‘America is a terrible place. I want to join ISIS.'”

On how becoming a dad made him wonder if Guy Fieri is ever going to grow up: “The minute that you become a father, certain truths become immediately obvious to you. The first second you see your daughter’s head corkscrew out of the womb and open her eyes, they are pretty much saying ‘Lose the Ramones shirt.’ . . . So I’ve made some adjustments in my life. So I sort of feel in a heartfelt way for Guy. I wonder about him. He’s 52 years-old and still rolling around in the flame outfit . . . What does he do? How does Guy Fieri de-douche?”

On Ina Garten and her meatloaf: “I love Ina Garten. She’s one of the few people on Food Network who can actually cook. When Ina Garten roasts a chicken, she roasts it correct. When Ina Garten makes mashed potatoes, those are some solid mashed potatoes. In many ways I want Ina’s life. I don’t want to live in her house. I don’t want to spend a weekend there. It gets weird in Ina Land . . . Oh, when Jeffrey gets home, he’ll be so happy I made meatloaf. And then he comes home and you’re pretty sure he’s not into meatloaf.”

Hold up, is Anthony saying what I think he’s saying with that last quote about Ina? Anthony better keep that shiv close because the Garteners (that’s what crazed Ina fans call themselves, right?)  don’t fuck around and neither does Ina. I mean, Ina has crushed the dreams of a sick child!  Anthony better issue a 400-word clarification/apology before the next dish Ina serves to Jeffrey is Bourdainloaf.

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