Sienna Miller May Be Back On The Prowl

July 15, 2015 / Posted by:

If Glastonbury was still going on, a pair of wellies would’ve been hung on a pole at half-mast today, because the bohemian hipster duke and duchess of England may have wrapped their dead engagement in an antique lace tablecloth and buried it on a bed of dried wild flowers while humming the melody of a Mumford & Sons song.

This break-up news came out of The Sun’s mouth and was delivered to us by The Daily Mail, so it’s like listening to Benita Buttrell from In Living Color tell you something that Babette from Gilmore Girls whispered in her ear. A source claims that Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge’s recent holiday in Formentera, Spain with their 3-year-old daughter Marlowe (pictures below) was their last attempt to Super Glueing their broken relationship, but it didn’t work. A source says that nothing ESCANDALO happened. Sienna and Tom just decided that they were done touching genitals after 4 years together. The source went through the file marked “generic break-up statements given by an anonymous source” and handed their choice over to The Sun.

“Tom and Sienna split a few weeks ago but still love and respect each other as friends and parents. It’s a very amicable break-up and they intend to remain great friends.”

Sienna’s rep had nothing to say about this and neither did Tom’s.

I refuse to believe this rumor until the secret alarm that is hidden in every wedding band goes off, alerting married people to watch out! Sienna Miller and her legendary bull dozer vagina are back!

Sienna is shooting a movie with Ben Affleck soon, so I was already getting my eyeballs ready for tabloid story after tabloid story about how those two are fucking until all the air in his trailer’s tires seeps out. It’s going to be thirty times worse now. But on behalf of proud sluts everywhere, I’m begging our slut leader to not use her chocha to pick the low-hanging fruit that is Ben Affleck. Sienna is better than that! Okay, she should do it once and then keep her coochie moving.


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