Goopy Paltrow Will Now Teach You How To Yawn

July 14, 2015 / Posted by:

You may have thought that there’s only one to step to yawning: Step 1. Watch Mortdecai.  But if you’ve been doing that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.

Goopy Paltrow used to be an uneducated yawner like all of us until she met a high priest of yawning who enlightened her in the spiritual art of yawning. The rich used to think that yawning was only something the weak, rude, uncouth peasants did, but it’s a new day. While proving that she has a gift for making absolutely anything sound pretentious as hell, Goopy writes in a piece on GOOP (via The Guardian) about how she learned how to perfect the yawn from Michael Lear, “a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation.”

Goopy and Yogi Michael were having dinner one night when he noticed that she was trying to hold in a yawn. Yogi Michael let Goopy know to let it all out, because yawning is a necessity of life and it isn’t rude or a sign of boredom. It’a stress reliever. Goopy says that after her first yawn, Michael yawned and they had a back-and-forth yawn fest for a good 60 seconds. The other people in the restaurant probably looked at them, shrugged and thought, “Oh, that’s just a natural reaction to Goopy.”

Goopy asked Yogi Michael to teach her disciples of GOOP how to yawn. Yes, this is a real thing that was written in seriousness.

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed. Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.

Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

All those steps! Once I’m finished yawning the GOOP way, I’m going to want to yawn again, because I’ll be exhausted as shit. But really, that also reads like a piece titled “How To Give A Tantric Blow Job” by Trudie Styler.

I really hope this becomes a series on GOOP. I really want to know how to correctly fart and I hope it involves performing Ujjayi breathing with your anus hole.

Pic: Getty

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