Ariana Grande Latte’s career is on the brink of being buried under the donuts she contaminated with her unpatriotic saliva (not really), so she’s trying hard to dig herself out before the only gig she’ll be able to book is the headliner at an anti-donut festival in North Korea. The demonic Whoville child already released an apology statement where she said that she’s a proud American and then rambled on about super fat kids. Last night, Ariana tried the whole “I’m sowwy” thing again and in a video to her “babes,” she told them to throw her previous non-apology into the trash and she started over.
Ariana should’ve just said, “Donuts, I’m sorry. Donut shop owner, I’m sorry for lowering your health grade. Donut shop employee, I’m sorry,” but instead she went on a 4-minute-long ramble journey where she apologized, said the last apology wasn’t “relative,” apologized again, said she was embarrassed by her actions, apologized again, said that she’s a proud American and apologized again. Ariana’s face looks blown up in the video and that’s because just licking a donut gave her fat face. No, she had her wisdom teeth yanked out.
Ariana is already a known mumbler and so of course, her dental surgery made it worse. I had to watch the video with the captions on, because I couldn’t understand the wrinkled-up words coming out of her mouth and because it gave me gems like the one above.
I listened hard and read the captions and not once did I see the line, “I AM SORRY, DONUTS.” Therefore, apology not accepted! Try again. In the meantime, I’m sure Ariana’s entire tour will be scrapped and promoters will replace her with a humble nightingale who doesn’t hate donuts, is only a diva on the stage and has better hair, singing talent and enunciation skills. May I suggest this current Facebook superstar:
Posted by JP Winchester on Sunday, June 28, 2015
Now THAT is how you impersonate Mariah Carey, Ariana.
After watching that impeccable hairography, Beyonce texted the words, “You need a ride to the unemployment office, because I’m heading there now,” to Ariana.