Scientology’s Crown Jewel Of Crazy Might Be Leaving Them

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Let’s see, a few days ago, I felt sorry for that piece of trash Parasite Hilton (when I shouldn’t have) and now I learn that there’s an itty bitty sliver of a chance that Scientology’s golden son Tom Cruise is thinking of pulling his head out of L. Ron Hubbard’s asshole for once and for all. It’s the end of the world as we know it and I don’t feel fine, because I don’t want civilization to end until Lifetime’s inevitably shitty movie about the making of Melrose Place comes out.

Block of Salt Weekly (aka Star Magazine) says that Tommy Girl is thinking of shocking the Thetans off of every Scientologist by turning in his OT-VII crown for the sake of Suri Cruise. Some source says that a crack in Tommy’s brainwashed shell of insanity formed during a recent phone call with Suri. Tommy hasn’t seen Suri’s face in person for over a year, because Katie’s afraid he will fill their daughter’s head with more Xenu talk and because Scientology doesn’t want him getting close to those suppressive traitors. Tommy feels like he has to choose between Suri and the cult of lunatics who need his money to keep their factory of fuckery going.

Star’s intern, I mean the source, said this about the phone call with Suri that broke Tommy down:

“She was going on and on about her ballet class and how much she loves it. That’s when Tom realized he’s never seen her perform ballet and he started to tear up. It hit him that she’s growing up before his eyes and he’s not there to witness most of it. They talk on the phone and video chat, but it’s not the same.” Phone calls and video chats for Tom and Suri can’t really replace spending actual, physical time with each other, especially since Suri is so young.

Tom has been under tremendous pressure where Suri and Katie are concerned because the church doesn’t want him close to them. They can’t stand that their own poster boy isn’t raising his child in the church,” the source said. “If they label Suri a suppressive person (a Scientology term for an enemy of the church), as they’ve been known to do with dissenters, that would make it hard for Tom to have a relationship with her. He’s between a rock and a hard place, but he’s finally making a choice to put his daughter first.”

Those gossiping queens in the Scientology bathhouse definitely read “he’s between a rock and a hard place” and giggled while saying, “That spit roast ho usually is.”

Tom Cruise is not leaving Scientology. They have a Mount Everest worth of dirt on him and I’m sure he just loves the feeling of David Miscavige and the other Scientologists kissing his all the time. But if Tommy left Scientology, it would be like the end of Beauty and the Beast when the spell breaks. The skies above the Celebrity Centre would clear, Shelly Miscavige’s shackles would break, John Travolta would sign up to the be the Grand Marshal of the next West Hollywood Pride Parade and Jenna Elfman would combust (there’s no saving her). The Celebrity Centre would also collapse and after it did, Suri Cruise would climb to the top of the rubble pile and strike a strong pose that clearly said, “Bow down to the warrior empress who brought down Scientology with just one phone call, bitches!”

Here’s Tommy working those cha cha heels while shooting a movie in Atlanta the other day.

Pics: YouTube, Splash

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