Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
On what’s going on with Rob: “It’s not that mysterious, what’s happening with Rob. He has gained weight. He feels uncomfortable being on the show, and that’s OK. Do I think he smokes weed, drinks beer, hangs out and plays video games with his friends all day long? Yes.”
On if “weed and video games” is actually code for hookers and meth at the Ritz: “No, no,” she said, laughing. “Or he’d be skinny.”
On how she’s was so much klassier than that gash-flashing skank Paris Hilton: “I rarely wear underwear, but that never happened to me. I was never drinking…I think that saved me a lot.” Kardashian explains she doesn’t drink or do drugs except for “five shots of vodka in Vegas every three years.”
On how she’s not just a person who takes selfies for a living: “I believe that I am so much smarter than I’m portrayed.”
On her transformation from stripper-looking Armenian party girl to vinyl-wrapped drowsy-faced Real Doll: “The makeover Kanye has given me is amazing.”
On how she’s always wanted to stay home and be a housewife: “I was very happy at home learning how to cook and clean and keep a house. I knew that was where I wanted to end up.”
“Really? And what home would that be? Because I never see you at mine” thought North West.
Kim got a little deeper during her lecture at the Commonwealth Club of California (or as she no doubt spelled it in her day planner, the Kommon$$$$ Klub of Cali) on Tuesday night. Just for context, the Commonwealth Club of California is where FDR delivered his speech about the New Deal. Here are some kwotes from Kim’s CCC lecture.
On giving two Botoxed thumbs up for being seen as a sex object: “I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think there’s power in that and I think I have the control to put out what I want so even if I’m objectifying myself, I feel good about it.”
On why she’s so popular: “I really do love social media. I credit it to a lot of my career. My career is based on openness. Openness and honesty.” (Ed. note: “My career is based on openness” might be the most accidentally self-aware thing Kim Kardashian has ever said)
On her 18.7 billion bikini selfies: “I think I definitely overshare, but I’m really engaged.”
On how Kim would change the world: “I’m not really a gun person, and we do not have strict enough gun control laws.”
On being a small-time shoe hustler: “There was a J. Lo video that featured these Manolo boots that I immediately fell in love with and knew others would as well. While helping my father at work, I would spend my lunch and spare time online trying to buy and resell clothing. I called a local store and confirmed that a shipment of those new boots would be coming in. After convincing my father, and signing a contract, I managed to buy their full shipment and then turn it around online for a profit.”
On kissing Kanye’s ass: “I love most the way he loves, the way he creates, and the way he thinks. He’s such a good person and I love how he just stands up for whatever he believes in wholeheartedly and never backs down without a care for how it comes across. He’s taught me to just be me. I really used to care so much about how people thought of me, and he taught me to not care.”
She then added “He taught me not to care, like when I step outside looking like a lumpy section of large intestine.” Speaking of, here’s Kim walking through the airport the other day. Bonus plasticine-faced beauty: Pimp Mama Kris!