Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.
The stories about how Jennifer Garner rips her pubes out of frustration over Ben’s gambling ways aren’t exactly breaking news. But “sources close to Jennifer” tell TMZ that over the years, Ben, who dried out in rehab in 2001, drank and gambled more and more and Jennifer eventually got sick of it. The source also claims that Ben never passed his dick to side pieces (insert BlakeLivelyMakingAnOhReallyFace.GIF here) and his guzzling of the sweet nectar and poker addiction is what killed their marriage.
Ben and Jen apparently tried to give their dying marriage mouth-to-mouth by going to therapy for 2 years, but when that didn’t work, they broke up 10 months ago. Page Six says during their separation, Ben mostly lived in hotels, but he’s going to move back to their Brentwood mansion so he can co-parent their three kids. Jennifer won’t have to worry about awkwardly running into a drunken Ben and his ho-of-the-moment as she goes to get water from the kitchen at 3am, because he’s not going to live in the main house. Why am I picturing a cramped Ben Affleck and his friends trying to play poker in a tiny doghouse in the backyard?
As for that whole “10 year rule” shit, E!’s source claims that Jennifer and Ben didn’t even take it into consideration and it was a “coincidence” that they announced their split a day after their 10th anniversary. In California, if a couple stays married for at least 10 years, the trick who doesn’t make as much money can get spousal support from the trick who earns more money for as long as they need it. TMZ says that Jennifer and Ben don’t have a prenup, but she doesn’t need his money because she’s got her own thanks to Alias residuals and those goddamn Neutrogena and Capital One commercials. The one hundred percent reliable Celebrity Net Worth says that Jennifer is worth $60 million and Ben is worth $75 million. BUT WAIT!
Life & Style says that Jennifer isn’t going to play nice and right after she asks Victor Garber to hold her purse, she’s going to put all her rings on and fight Ben for half of his money and full custody of their children.
So basically, it hasn’t even been a full day since Bennifer 2.0 announced that they’re over and the tabloids are already telling conflicting stories. This is why I only trust an ethical organization like PBS. PBS reports that Ben is 100% sober, doesn’t even play Monopoly and Jennifer Garner broke up with him because he’s so boring and only wanted to spend his nights sipping chamomile tea while writing columns about how terrible slavery was for the NAACP’s newsletter.