Random, thy name is all the words I just typed above. Katy Perry, looking like what my extremely Catholic elderly neighbor would describe as a “Jesus-needing heathen floozy” above, is currently in the middle of a fight with some nuns. Watch out, 13-year-old Catholic school troublemakers – Katy Perry is coming for your game.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Katy Perry wants to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary convent in Los Feliz, which was being sold by the five nuns who were living in it. So she called up Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and told him she’d pay $14.5 million in cash for the convent. When Jesus heard the words “$14.5 million in cash“, he appeared in Jose’s toast and was like “Duh dude, take it” and that was that. The only problem is, the nuns who are selling the convent say it’s theirs to sell and they don’t want to sell their house to that trollop Katy Perry.
Two of the last five nuns who live there say the convent is theirs and they can sell it to anyone they want. They sold it to a restauranteur named Dana Hollister for $15.5 million two weeks ago. Dana Hollister lives there now, but she may soon be evicted by Archbishop Jose and the Patron Saint of Whipped Cream Titties. Apparently both the law and the Vatican are on Archbishop Jose’s side, which means Katy and he could take the nuns to court if this doesn’t get sorted out.
Before selling the convent to Dana Hollister, one of the nuns, Sister Rita, did some research on Katy Perry (which I’m sure was encouraged by a very helpful young lady named Taylor Swift) and she didn’t exactly love what she saw:
“Well, I found Katy Perry and I found her videos and…if it’s all right to say, I wasn’t happy with any of it.”
After Sister Rita dunked her face in a bucket of holy water in an attempt to cleanse soul of the skanky sin that covered it while watching Katy Perry’s music video catalog, she decided to watch Katy’s The More You Know star-cruising Super Bowl performance. Again, not into it.
“I thought, is that a way to make money? Maybe I could fly around. I could be the flying nun.”
Katy paid them a visit back in May in an attempt to make good with the nuns and convince them to sell Immaculate Heart to her. The nuns say that Katy sung “Oh Happy Day” to them and showed them a “Jesus” tattoo on her wrist. She also told them she wanted to buy the convent so she could meditate, drink green tea, and “find herself.” The nuns say she made a good impression, but they still decided to sell to someone else.
Okay, I think I know what went wrong here. Those nuns were clearly not Sister Act 2 fans. That’s why you always play it safe and go with original recipe Sister Act. You blew it, Katy!