Demure Grace And Elegance Brought To You By Samantha Hoopes

June 26, 2015 / Posted by:

What better way is there to end this day of celebration than with a human crystal flute full of sparkling natural beauty and exquisite sophistication?

The name “Samantha Hoopes” (pronounced: WHO?!) probably means as much to you as birth control means to bareback queen Bristol Palin. But believe it or not, Samantha Hoopes is not Duchess Kate’s personal stylist who keeps Prince William’s wife slathered in ladylike refinement. Samantha Hoopes is a Sports Illustrated/Carl’s Jr. model who was a shiny jewel of glamour in a sea of┬ámeh (see: Amber Heard) at yesterday’s Magic Mike XXL premiere in Hollywood.

Samantha wore a beautifully made gown from the House of Ho Shit that made her totally organic chest globes look like giant billiard balls straight from heaven’s pool table. I’m going to choose to believe that Samantha’s shoes are gold Lucite platform heels, because she’s obviously the kind of style icon who knows that no elegant ensemble is complete until you’ve slipped into a pair of Shauna Sand originals. If Samantha wore that look to the Met Gala, the floor of that museum would’ve been covered in silicone and weaves, because Beyonce and Kim Kardashian would’ve melted after seeing a golden goddess do it a billion times better than them. That dress is very AVN Awards trophy girl and nothing is more classic than that.

I also heard that as soon as the pro-life protesters saw Samantha on the black carpet, they dropped their signs and vowed to devote all their time to worshiping her.

And if you’re not immediately blinded by the sight of grace personified, here’s more pictures from the Magic Mike XXL premiere including some of Matt Boner and Adam Rodriguez who both wore clothes for some weird, unnatural reason.


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