Many years of watching endless Law & Order marathons have taught me a little about the criminal justice system. For example, usually when a person comes at their son’s football coach with a kettlebell and threatens to “fuck him up“, they should also pull their best “Not Guilty” suit out of storage and prepare to see the inside of a courtroom. However, it sounds like Diddy won’t have to worry about doing any of that.
Diddy was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, one count of making terrorist threats, and one count of battery for threatening to take out UCLA strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi on Monday afternoon. But TMZ says the UCLA football coaching staff are nervously tugging at their collars and talking about having those charges dropped. According to sources, the coaching staff at UCLA wants to make this messy situation with Diddy disappear like Diddy would with a bad bottle of Cambodian breast milk. They apparently tried to when it first happened, but an intern – who clearly isn’t a Making the Band fan – squealed to the police and that’s how Diddy ended up getting arrested.
Apparently nobody from UCLA wants to see a public trial happen, including UCLA’s head coach Jim Mora. The only problem preventing this shit from getting successfully swept under the rug would be those pesky interns, but TMZ seems to think that if Jim Mora backs away from the charges, his interns will too, and everything will be dropped. And if that doesn’t work, Diddy might want to think about landing a helicopter full of unmarked hundreds onto the field at UCLA with a note encouraging them to get their hush on.
Even Diddy’s son seems okay with making what Diddy did go away. Justin Combs posted a picture of his father and himself to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “I thank God for having a father that’s always there for me.. Love you pops!”
Diddy’s alleged kettlebell rage was all caught on tape, so there’s still a chance the DA could try prosecute without any victims, but law enforcement sources claim that would be difficult. But based on what I know about TV court shows, I’m going to guess Diddy’s lawyers will be working the “My client was clearly just rehearsing a scene for a play about a man who confronts his son’s football coach using a kettlebell” angle.